The Barflies Message Board

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Useless - posted by jda at 06/16 08:53PM Tonight I am feeling pretty useless. First time out of town since the bottom dropped out 3 months ago and I got sober and I feel as though I cannot participate in life. Everybody is down in the hotel lobby tonight for what they call “Vegas” night. It is a night where “clients” play cards and drink free booze. I would usually be down there with them trying to score a client for my firm but here I am in the hotel room too scared to even get close to that crowd. Went to not one but two meetings today/tonight and both of which I found it very difficult to talk at or speak to anyone for that matter. Thankfully a few individuals did reach out their hand to me and it did make a bit of a difference but here I am, back at the hotel all full of fear and self pity…unable to look these people, who I am here to do business with ,in the eye and say an fucking word much less talk about how my company can help them. Back home things are not too much better. Feeling rather put out to pasture by some and not knowing at all how to deal with it. Feeling like they wish I would just go away. Fuck…I wish I would go away about now but here I am, typing this crap into a keyboard because I am too fucking scared to speak to anybody. Considered changing everything including the home group but I haven’t managed to get comfortable with that idea just yet. Seems rather chicken shit and self absorbed to think this is the solution. Yes…the self pity has kicked in. “That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear” has not happened for me yet. Pride perhaps, not sure….sure doesn’t feel like there is anything to feel prideful about at the moment. Just wanting my rock to crawl under about now.

re: Useless - posted by Jules on 06/16 10:52PM Since I got sober, I get pretty fucked up at the thought of going to Georges or anywhere in the old Perkins vicinity. I'm not sure why. Surely my behavior now is bound to be better than when I was drinking. After all, I'm not climbing over the bar to "help" and I'm not shamelessly (more pathetically) flirting with strangers while I try to look sexy and peel myself off the floor because I was so drunk. Keeping all that in mind, I still get so fucked up and full of fear at the thought of going. I've been and I've passed. When I've gone, it's been fine. I wasn't hit with some old obsession to drink and I didn't run into someone I knew. My fear of running into someone I once knew is that they will yell out all the things I did while drunk and humiliate me. The other fear is that they will be mad at something I can't remember doing and punch me in the face. The fact of the matter is that sometimes I'm still scared to participate in life. Even when it's for a very valid reason, I can't seem to just show up. What is different is that it's not EVERY time anymore, it's just here and there. I used to worry it would always be that way but I know now that's not true. Do I feel sorry for myself when this happens? Yes. Do I feel sorry for myself any other day of the week? sometimes. I wish I had more experience in this department (wining and dining clients) but I don't. For some reason, the higher power hasn't put me in a job where I have to. I feel like if He did, I would be ok. We can go anywhere and do anything. That's what the literature tells us. That doesn't mean I always want to or can manage to show up. As far as wanting to jump ship on homegroups, I've been there a few times. I remember a few years ago I was a member of this group where I disagreed with fundamental principles of this group. They actually went against traditions. I spoke up first, a few things were changed and I still felt off with this meeting. I didn't belong there yet I couldn't quit. For some reason, I didn't get what I needed to be ok to walk away. I stalled, hoping I could be useful and that I would intuitively know what to do. Unfortunately, that didn't happen either. But all was not lost because I ended up moving with my husband to a far away land and the problem fixed itself:) I have to believe that the HP is still running the show and if I'm willing to investigate further, I'll get what I need and see what I need to see. Sometimes it's me and sometimes it's me really not agreeing with a group conscience any longer. I'm constantly on the fence about so much in my life. I guess that's where the defects come in handy. They have saved me from making rash decisions at times. I've also been "put out to pasture" as well. At least that's what's in my perception. I always think about a story having three sides, what I think happens, what they think happens, and what really fucking happens. It's the same in my relationships. I'm so quick to get my feelings hurt. Usually, I'm just being selfish and full of self pity when it probably has nothing to do with me. But I always think it does. I like to think about the "fellowship growing about us." It gives me hope on most days. The way I twist it is that it should be the fellowship that I want, not what the HP sees fit for me and for others. Hang in there and wishing you an early bedtime.

re: Useless - posted by wade l on 06/17 03:01AM I wanted to drink every day for the first 1-1/2 years of my sobriety. I was consumed with self pity, depression, anger and guilt. I will tell you what I told myself every day. Whatever happens, don't drink! If you lose your job, don't drink! If you lose your girl, don't drink! If you lose your family, don't drink! If you lose your friends, don't drink! Bottom line, don't drink! Not even one. I have and will be praying for you. Peace

re: Useless - posted by Trail of Tears on 06/17 08:32AM The work that I did most of my life involved perfect timing, an aggressive personality and talent. There was very little margin for error. I pushed myself hard to perform whatever my job happened to be, often doing, saying and acting in ways that weren't natural to me. I never drank on the job, but I depended much on alcohol after work to feel like I was okay. Typically for me that meant getting together with colleagues, drinking while we hashed and rehashed that day's work down to every excruciating detail. We focused especially on keeping a stupid-and-lazy list. This list changed regularly and I worked extra hard to make sure I wasn't on any lists for the day I needed alcohol and my fellows for the self-deception that I was a hard core old-school newspaper girl. When I got sober, I had a new attitude about work, but some of it was just that I had seen my motives. I needed to work and I was good at my work even without the hardcore passion. For some reason, I am thinking abous this purse I had when I first got sober. It had a dragonfly pattern on it and was lined with these furry feathers. It was not a newspaper girl purse but I loved it and I took it everywhere with me. Everybody commented on it. It opened a lot of conversations when I was out working...young, old, men, women, all would comment or pet it. It was great and I got some great interviews as a result. But my colleagues thought it was a joke. My editors would pretend not notice it. And photographers would look embarrassed when I walked up on serious assigments waving my feathers. Some of them all but told me it made me look like a dumb slut. They would say, "Nice purse' while they petted the feathers in this tone that sounded more like 'Stripper.' One of them said, 'You must like feathers a LOT.' It dawned on me that I didn't have the respect of my co-workers that I had always desperately craved. But it didn't matter. I was myself and I did a decent job most days, and it had little to do with my purse. At one time, I would have ditched that purse the second anybody looked funny at it. But I wore the fucker out. It was hard to go about my job without seeking out the support of drinking buddies. And I fucked up sometimes. One Saturday I got lost trying to get to Port Sulfur for an event I was going to cover for the next day's paper. I kept going round and round in circles missing the Belle Chaisse exit. I was freaking...I was talking to myself and the HP frantically while I hyperventilated, imagining what wrath was going to fall down on me if I came back to Baton Rouge without a feature for Sunday's paper. It was like a bad dream or a horror movie. By the time I finally managed to get there, the event was over. And there's no recreating an event. I was fucked. No story. I remember thinking maybe I should just not go back to work. But I remember that I stopped at this farmer's market and bought tomatoes and a string of garlic and then drove back to Baton Rouge. I made no excuses. I just said, 'I fucked up. I got lost. What can I do? There were other mistakes and mishaps, too, and i felt shaky at times not having the drinks and the drinking pals to boost me up. For me, it was where I understood what it means that the fellowship of AA is a sufficient substitute for alcohol. I would do the best I could on any given day. When my work was done, I'd find a meeting or some AA friends and try to put the day away. It was okay to make a mistake. It was okay to underperform. There would be another chance and if not, it would still be okay. Hope you made it through the night... Peace...

re: Useless - posted by Jda on 06/19 12:47AM By the grace of god, the fellowship of South Carolina AA and the barflies website, I did not take a drink on my first buisness trip since being sober. I even took a group out for dinner the following night and was able to participate. I want to thank all of those who responded. I find it easier sometimes to post and get relief. As far as my homegroup, I take no issue with the group concious. Never have. Just having some fellowship problems and yes...they are largly self inflicted. For now I will continue to serve my homegroup as best I can.

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While we hope that all our guests share their experience as it relates to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, we remind everyone that the contents of these message strings are strictly personal opinions of the authors. When in doubt about the nature of statements made please consult the Big Book and other AA reference materials... our motto: "If its not in the book, it doesn't count." Thank you all for sharing.