The Barflies Message Board

Welcome to the Barflies Group Message Board. We encourage all alcoholics to share their experience, strength and hope in a way that is conducive to AA’s primary purpose, which is to stay sober and help other alcoholics achieve sobriety.

PLEASE NOTICE: the Barflies Group maintains the right to block disruptive users and delete posts/replies that do not support our primary purpose as stated above or that we deem harmful to alcoholics. We truly want this board to be yet one more way for alcoholics to help one another, and we want it to be a safe place to go, should the need arise. With that said, we will do all we possibly can to maintain the integrity of the board.

[ Signup for the Board | Edit Your Account | Homegroup Member Login | Recover Passwords ]

23 members are currently monitoring the board. | Your IP address: 38.107.191.117

Broken - posted by Potus at 06/14 10:58AM So, I am still trying to sort this all out in my head, so I apologize from the get go if I don't make any sense. I am struggling terribly with the opposite sex. I have been single for a long time now, after a breakup that left me shattered and broken. I have had a couple of flings since then, but nothing serious. For a couple of years I was plagued by lonliness and felt desperate to meet someone. Then something happened, I settled into my alone life and don't struggle very often with lonliness anymore. I don't know if the HP set something free or I just forfeited, but whatever happened, I became grateful for the relief. I carved out a life that I like and is full. I have an oppurtunity with someone who I would have sworn was everything I could have ever wanted and I have cried since last night. I feel so broken and screwed up in this area. I entertain crushes on people who are unavailable. I feel incredibly strong attractions to several people right now who I know are not ever going to be a part of my life. Kind of like I am comfortable as long as I am participating from the sidelines, but am terrified of actually getting into the game. I have been stunned to see how bad it is, how incredibly broken I still feel. Too scared to take a chance at all. The crushes are safer. I don't even think I want to take a chance. My friend keeps telling me God does not make broken stuff. I am sure he dosen't, but I feel incredibly broken right now. I don't think God did it, but decisions I have made in the past sure did. I would really love to hear the experience of others who have found their way through this kind of stuff. I keep hearing in my head "incapable of forming a true partnership with another". I know that passage is really referring to ego deflation, but I dont think that is what is going on here. I could be wrong, but it does not really feel like I think I am better than, perhaps worse than, but certainly not better.

re: Broken - posted by grillboy on 06/14 11:06AM It has been my experience that when my life is in order and I'm in the sunlight of the spirit and I have something to offer another person thats when I have someone in my life. Take care man.

re: Broken - posted by luke on 06/14 01:08PM I know how you feel. I also stayed single, and comfortably, for a while in sobriety. I know the big book doesn't say anything about staying out of relationships but it helped...or should I say...freed me up to do many things within the fellowship that I might not have been able to do if in a committed relationship. However, there came a point that the God-given instinct to be with someone of the opposite sex overcame and I got into a relationship. I have to be honest, I had a lot of fears before getting into the relationship and I admit, a lot of the reason I was single for so long was because of fear. I had to learn to walk through these fears or I would always be paralyzed by them. Today I am married to that person, who is also in AA, and that has really forced me to learn to "practice these principles in all of our affairs" because "a much better demonstration of these (AA) principles lies before us in our respective homes and jobs." I still have along way to go but there is no doubt that God brought us together and I am blessed to be married to her today.

re: Broken - posted by Norma Desmond on 06/14 02:53PM Hey Potus, My instinct for sex, romance and family satisfactions is very twisted, too. The chief symptom of this perversion is my defect of lust, which manifests itself in the form of extremely inappropriate crushes/infatuatons/obsessions. The higher power hasn't seen fit to entirely remove this defect yet, but it HAS been lessened and THANK GOD it doesn't drive me like it used to. I hope that one day the HP thinks it's time for me to continue growing by attempting to have a real relationship--with the inevitable ups and downs and insecurities and mistakes and joys that are sure to come. For me, not yet. For you, sounds like your ticket might have gotten punched. Enjoy the ride! (And remember to keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times.) Norma

re: Broken - posted by Trail of Tears on 06/14 05:11PM Hey there... I don't have all the answers but I was alone for eight years...part of that drinking, part of that first few years of sobriety. I mean, I had dates here and there, but nothing serious, and a humiliatingly bad experience in early sobriety had forced me to the romantic sidelines for a few years, too. I feel like my experience has been of the sometimes God does for us what we can't do for ourselves variety. After I met two guys around the same time about two years ago. I was so ready for something to happen. I was a fruit loop, imagining how I would make tulle bows for my dogs to wear at the wedding to guy number 1. Both guys I liked, but i liked the first guy better. But the second guy picked up the ball and ran with it, so I ended up head over heels, rockets launching daily with this guy, who as fate would have it, was dating another woman, too. It was this roller coaster and I tried to stick with it through this whirlwind. Meanwhile, guy number one still called every now and then, just often enough I didn't forget about him. It was platonic for a year. He seemed to have a knack for calling when the rockets had crashed with guy number 2. So, I would go, mainly because there was really no reason NOT to go. He didn't make any demands and we got to know each other without any pressure or expectations. After a few months on the roller coaster, I finally found the balls to say so long to guy number 2. By then the fantasizing about planning weddings and buying houses and picking out baby names and dressing up my dogs didn't seem so appealing. I guess I felt a little humiliated...my ego had gotten deflated some more. After a year of casual platonic dating --- not even holding hands --- guy number one and I awkwardly and cautiously decided to give a romantic relationship a chance. That was almost a year ago. It's not perfect, and it is so fucking scary at times. There are things I wanted that probably won't happen -- namely having a child of my own. But it's put me back into the stream of life in ways that I couldn't have predicted. And it's ongoing, we continue to find connections, i.e., mutual friends, places we've been, etc., the longer we're together. I say it's a lesson in God does for us what we can't do for ourselves, because if it had been up to me, I would have jumped into a relationship with him from the very beginning and I wasn't ready for anything serious. I was just ready to be back in the game. When I look at how it unfolded, i see God's hands all over it, but in the midst of it, i often felt like I was retarded and wanted to say f--k all y'all, I'll just go to India and live in an ashram. Some days I STILL think that, but like Norma said, the HP has given me somebody who is forcing me to grow(up) and forcing me to consider things I never would be considering outside of a relationship. Just walk forward, enjoy the view, say yes if it feels right and see where God is trying to take you! Peace!

re: Broken - posted by jda on 06/14 10:30PM I love my relationship with my girl friend. It has been a very wild ride but has settled in recent months and is turning into a partnership I would not have anticipated when it all started. I can also certainly see benefits to staying out of a relationship such as gaining comfort with yourself, getting a good relationship with god, establishing a fellowship in AA, finding interests. All of that is good stuff. I dabbled in such things….mostly not by choice by because I was a wreck after the first marriage failed. Feeling pretty low but given some time the HP scrapped me from the pavement and I began to notice there were other possibilities for new relationships. As most who know me have observed, I have never been one to shy away from relationships. They are the spice of life. It is also my experience that I have to make myself available if I am expecting to get into a relationship. I can’t just sit around the house wondering when my lotto ticket is going to get punched for a wonderful relationship grand prize. No....Got to stick the neck out and try. Kind of like I can’t not go to the doctor when I am sick and expect to get well or not look for a job and expect to land a job, etc...etc...As far as motives, well, I have had the worst of them at times. Selfish is an understatement. I have hurt others and have been hurt. I have found that God will do for me and teach me as he sees fit....pain for selfishness to be sure, but also potential for something wonderful to happen. It is an instinct that I don't believe goes away no matter how hard I try. The ideal relationship is selfless, loving, tolerant, spiritually on the same playing field, etc... I am never going to achieve that because it is perfection itself. Does it mean I quit because I have selfish motives....Hell no. I figure the whole selfless thing comes in time with pain, prayer, talking to each other, talking to others…working it out. I can tell you that I don’t wish to hurt anyone today. Is there the potential I will hurt someone by entering a relationship with them. Yep. There will always be such things. Have I failed...so far I suppose I have after all, I am not with the first, second, third, etc.. person I have had a relationship with. I have very strong feelings and wonderful hopes for me and my girl friend...the relationship to end them all so to speak. God willing, it will be just that. A true partnership full of love, tolerance, patience, self sacrifice. If I waited until I was “cured” or “whole” I would be dead. That’s no fun….

re: Broken - posted by ss on 06/15 01:00AM Hi Potus, I can really relate to your post. I spent most of my twenties longing terribly for a relationship, but completely unable to participate. I turned down dates with guys where there really might have been potential because I longing for the one unavailable guy. I still get a physical pain when I think of the loneliness of that time. Loneliness not only because I was in fact alone, but because I thought I was too defective to have a real relationship. My drinking increased and that became more important than anyone anyway. But even before I started drinking, I always felt this to be true- that I was uglier, weirder etc.. than everyone else. My phrase for it was "inherent vice". Sure I might look normal, but don’t you dare get close to me and find out the truth. Even though I am in a relationship now, I still get those fears. They don't go away. But, I am beginning to understand is that everyone is broken in some way. And there is beauty in this brokenness. Even mine. At least I feel that on a good day, on a bad day I am in my head, isolated, terrified just like I was in my twenties, regardless of being in a relationship. My instincts for sex/relationship causes me too present only a distilled version of myself in fear that the other person will leave. Always has. It is a miracle for me to reveal myself honestly to someone- the graceful parts and the ugly parts. But for me the act of doing this itself is an act of love and faith, regardless of how the person responds. Being present for my fellows, including my partner, ‘A fellow among fellows’, as it talks about in the 12 and 12- trying taking that too heart. Asking god to help me remember that I am no better or no worse that anyone else. Some days are better than others. Believing I was worse cut me off from my fellows and god for a long time- still does- trapped by the bondage of self sums it up so well. But to my amazement, I have experienced love and joy with another, and sometimes the most on the days where I feel terrified. Take care.

POST REPLY: Please submit your experience, strength and/or hope as it relates to the program of AA below.

[ Signup for the Board | Edit Your Account | Homegroup Member Login | Recover Passwords ]

While we hope that all our guests share their experience as it relates to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, we remind everyone that the contents of these message strings are strictly personal opinions of the authors. When in doubt about the nature of statements made please consult the Big Book and other AA reference materials... our motto: "If its not in the book, it doesn't count." Thank you all for sharing.