The Barflies Message Board

Welcome to the Barflies Group Message Board. We encourage all alcoholics to share their experience, strength and hope in a way that is conducive to AA’s primary purpose, which is to stay sober and help other alcoholics achieve sobriety.

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I'm a complete screw up - posted by Grillboy at 06/06 12:50AM 18 hours of AA. 5 meetings plus hearing a delegate speak. A ton of AA's to hang with. Convo in Laffy. Hangin with the sponsor doin absolutely nothing and lovin it. Too much coffee. The first saturday night without a drink in awhile. I've fucked up everything, and everything good in my life is a gift. And I believe that. I need a miracle.

re: I'm a complete screw up - posted by PM on 06/06 01:03AM Well... if I'm reading this right and you made it to bed on a Saturday night without a drink then my friend I think you've already got one! Find more drunks tomorrow and you might realize another!!

re: I'm a complete screw up - posted by tweetie on 06/06 11:49AM I remember my first AA meeting. I was fresh out of jail for a 3rd offense dwi in which my 3 year old child was with me. I was so physically and mentally sick and still detoxing from alcohol. I was terrified at what I had done and what was going to happen as a result of my drinking. I could not stop drinking and I was afraid that I was going to kill someone in the process. I would do these horrific things that endangered the safety and well being of my child and basically the general public as well. I knew that something really bad was going to happen if I kept drinking but again, I could not stop. My hands would shake in the mornings and my mind would race uncontrollably. I remember waking up one morning after a night of uncontrollable drinking and feeling like my heart was going to beat out of my chest and I was sweating profusely . The only thing I could do was reach over to feel whether or not he was still there. The hideous horseman was always chasing me and to say that my life was unmanageable was an understatement. I was desperate for help had no where to turn. I called the AA hotline and they had someone call me back who lived in my area. She came to pick me up the next day and took me to a 2:00 meeting at club 12. When she picked me up, she handed me a big book of alcoholics anonymous. I cried uncontrollably throughout the whole meeting. At one point, the lady who brought me there, grabbed my book and wrote a little note in the front. "They laughed over the tragedies, they cried over the joys, and they called it Alcoholics Anonymous." She slid the book back over to me and I read what she had written. I remember thinking she was nuts and not being able to imagine that anything to do with my drinking would ever be a laughing matter. There hadn't been anything fun or funny about my drinking for many years at that point. Not to make light of the things that I have done, but that quote or statement has proved to be somewhat true about the fellowship of AA. Last night, I spent a couple of hours hanging out with someone and talking about the horrible hideous things that we've done along the way, both drunk and sober. I ended up with a lot of peace, and it was very comforting just being able to be honest and open with another person who has done some of the same things. It was just what I needed to get through one more night. We laughed about so many things that to a non-alcoholic, would not be funny. But we have experienced a miracle...the miracle is that for another day, we did not have to take a drink. I used to think that it was lame to suggest that not drinking for only a day was a miracle. But when you can't stop drinking for even a day, or when it only takes a day to drink again, staying sober for day is truly a miracle! I have done so many things wrong too. I have caused much harm and wrecked lots of havoc in not only my life but in the lives of others as well. I have nearly ruined most everything that is beautiful in my life. But for some reason, I have been graced with the gift of sobriety yet again. I do not deserve it and I have done nothing to earn it. In fact, if I had really gotten what I deserve, I would be dead, locked up, or just plain ole drunk again. I don't know how or why this works but it does. There is a sufficient subsitute for alcohol and it's the fellowship of alcoholics anonymous. Keep coming and keep sharing. I struggle too and I have not been able to stay sober for a long time now. Your willingness to discuss yourself honestly encourages me to do the same. On gray days, when their doesn't seem to be much happiness, I try to pray for the willingness to be willing. Sometimes willingness carries me through when it seems like I have nothing else. Yesterday, I received a miracle and today, I hope I get the same thing. P.S. I have sought out so many things to try to make myself happy in this life. When I honestly think about the times when I've been the happiest, it's been the times in my life when I was a sober member of AA. AA works and I'm really glad you've found some relief in the fellowship.

POST REPLY: Please submit your experience, strength and/or hope as it relates to the program of AA below.

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While we hope that all our guests share their experience as it relates to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, we remind everyone that the contents of these message strings are strictly personal opinions of the authors. When in doubt about the nature of statements made please consult the Big Book and other AA reference materials... our motto: "If its not in the book, it doesn't count." Thank you all for sharing.