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Meeting makers make it? - posted by Gorilla Fart at 05/16 05:36PM So I'm new to this forumwebsite and figured I send you all a "Hello" post. I guess I'll start this discussion off with an explanation of the subject line. I'm starting this thread to get some insight and thoughts about my current situation. My sobriety date is March 24th, 2007. I started my route to getting sober by going to a 30 day detox and then spent roughly 9 months in a Halfway House. While I was in this halfway house I met some of the greatest people I know today. I made great lifelong friends and learned how to live my life again. I worked the steps, attended several meetings a week, sponsored others and really began to change my life. I found my HP and became more spiritual than I ever had been. While in the halfway house I met the love of my life and we began dating. (She is also in the program, with more sobriety than me) Well, I moved out of the halfway house when my time was up but I continued to actively work the program, work with others, make meetings and hit my knees morning and night. I attended a fantastic weekly book study with several men in the program. At some point my life hit overdrive and things really started moving. My wife and I got married and had a little boy. We moved into a house just outside the city and suddenly I found my involvement in the program slipping way. I talked to my sponsor less and less, made less meetings and quit going to my book study altogether. Suddenly between raising a baby, having a new wife and working, I lost touch with the program. It has been more than 6 months since I have made a meeting. I no longer talk to my sponsor nor a sponsee. I am not working the steps and certainly not giving back. I am still in touch with several people in the program including the guys I befriended in the halfway house. I still hit my knees morning and night and continue to take inventory. Lately I have been thinking a lot about getting more active in recovery but my biggest issue is finding TIME. To be honest I have little free time and when I do I honestly don't want to spend it going to a meeting. I want to spend it watching a movie, or fishing or hunting or some other activity that I enjoy, is that wrong of me? I am not "in a bad place" with my recovery I am happy as can be aside from the guilt I feel about not giving back to a program that saved my life, so I guess my question is can someone out there give me some advice or suggestions about the guilt I feel? Is it warranted? Am I truly wrong for not giving back? My sponsor used to tell me the life was all about balance and maybe I just need to find a little more balance.

re: Meeting makers make it? - posted by PM on 05/16 06:01PM Hi Gorilla dude, We're all different and I don't doubt that some of us can stay sober without AA. In working with others it says to tell a newcomer who doesn't want to go to AA that perhaps he CAN make it if he isn't TOO alcoholic. ( I hate all caps so forgive me those two emphases.) I don't think that would be the case for me. Alcoholism was not kind to me and I'm still scared of it. On occasion the thought crosses my mind that a drink would be good and when a second thought runs in behind it that the very idea is nuts I realize that I am in fact sane, today. I fear that if I strayed too far from AA that the second thought might not come and that is the primary reason I am deeply rooted in AA after so very many years. Not the only reason though... like you I want to give back, but more than that I want to experience the passing on of the principles and watch my alcoholic fellows take up their beds, walk again, and become a part of my life... my expanding fellowship. Helping drunks gives my life endless meaning and gratification; it gives me dignity where I long felt I should have none. I don't doubt that the HP wants us to enjoy this world and all its fruit. But when our self-interest comes in front of our service to others (which I don't mean to sound like a drudgery) then we have things out of order. There is time. My days are as full as anybody's and I make time for this. Perhaps you can alternate - 1 for AA, 1 for the fish... 2 for AA, 1 for the fish! Wednesdays for you, Tuesdays for the wife. Much pain.

re: Meeting makers make it? - posted by Gorilla Fart on 05/16 06:51PM I hear what you are saying PM and appreciate the insight. I like what you said "I fear that if I strayed too far from AA that the second thought might not come" That really gives me something to think about. My sponsor used to tell me "Stay as close to your last drink as you can" and I don't feel I've done that very well. I really enjoy talking program and listening to others and I guess the bottom line is that if I want to, like you said "experience the passing on of the principles and watch my alcoholic fellows take up their beds and walk again" then the solution is simple: go to meetings, work with new comers and enjoy that part of recovery again. Your are right, there is time and I am just going to have to prioritize. Alternating is something I thought of but never tried. The thing I struggle with the most is not necessarily the time but what I choose to do with it. Because my free time is so rare, I almost feel like I'm squandering my free time by attending a meeting. There are other things that I need to stay sane and not lose my identity. Since marriage and child, I don't nearly have the time to hunt, fish, sport, visit with friends, hobbies etc. that I used to. Those things have basically been reduced to 0 and I really miss that part of my life, so when the opportunity arises and I have the chance to do one or the other, I don't want to go to a meeting. I realize that sounds bad and maybe I just need to quit bitching and get my ass to a meeting.... Should I feel guilty for not wanting to go to a meeting, but wanting to experience the program more? I realize you can't really have one without the other. Family, work, sleep, entertainment and recovery. Those are the five categories that I can group my time into. And sadly that is also how I prioritize them, the bad thing is that the first three take up 97% of my 24 hours and the other 3% always goes to the fourth. So do I take from 1, 2 or 3? I can't they are dependent on one another and to take from one makes the others suffer and my family will never suffer due to my selfishness. The only thing I can do is try to split 3% and I really don't want to. **So you guys don't think I'm just making a joke, Gorilla Fart is the name of a drink. It means making a drink with some of every liquor in the bar: a Gorilla Fart**

re: Meeting makers make it? - posted by kah on 05/16 08:55PM Just for the record, let me state I do go to 3-4 meetings a week. Do I feel like going to all of them? No. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. I can remember telling a sponsor once that I didn't feel like going to the meeting and she said "so". Yet, I can understand your dilemna. I am a single mother of two children with no help. I have my children 24/7. One of them is a teenager, who I feel needs my supervision now more than ever. The other is not old enough to stay by himself, so I am dependant on scarce help to watch him sometimes. Both of them play sports and have other activities they participate in. I have a full time job, family committments, a church I am active in, other activities, etc. ALL of these things and interests are the fruits of what AA has done in my life. Not only have I not taken a drink in many years, but I have been blessed with children, the ability to hold a job and participate in my family, etc. My cup runneth over because of AA. I firmly believe that if I do not keep AA first in my life, all of these other things could be lost. If I drink, all of these things are gone. Yet, I too struggle with balancing it all. I have left a crying child clinging to my legs to get to an AA meeting. Last night, I missed my homegroup because one child needed me to stay home, even though he could not say so. I knew it was the right thing to do. So, yes I feel guilty too. Guilty for not making my homegroup meeting that I know needs me and I need it. I knew in my heart my son needed me more last night. Sometimes it is just not easy. So, I certainly understand where you are coming from. There is a line in the big book that keeps coming to mind. It says something to the effect of, we were either going to accept spiritual help or be doomed to an alcoholic death, that sometimes these were not easy alternatives to face. I do the best that I can to get to as many meetings as possible. Most of them are at noon and most of the time it is not a meeting I would chose to go to if I had others options, but the 2nd step tells me that attendance at any meeting is an act of faith. That does not mean that I want to go to every single one of them. I have prayed ever since early sobriety for the willingness to be willing and that has helped straighten my priorities out when they get out of whack. I don't want to go back where I came from. I lose everything there. Plus, I have a responsibility to AA too. I owe AA everything. Hope you make it to a meeting soon.

re: Meeting makers make it? - posted by Roy on 05/16 09:52PM I can relate to not wanting to go to meetings. I was just telling a buddy how you couldn't pay me to go to a meeting on the weekend because I like to keep that time reserved for fishing, surfing, etc. I do go to meetings but I, like you, I have things I want to do instead. What I focus on the most when I am at a meeting is building relationships. I typically attend my home group once a week to maintain the relationships that have come as a result of trying to be of service. Their have been times in my life when friends have gotten drunk and I've went to more than one meeting a week out of desperation and loneliness to find more new guys to hang out with and watch the fellowship grow up around me so to speak. What i know is true is that i have to live a life of service. I was piece of shit before I got sober. I never built a career and lost it. Family and friends never revered me. I was simply a drunk ass hole. I was selfish, dishonest, and afraid to face any aspect of life. I basically wanted to die. So when AA stated that our primary purpose is to be of maximum service to God and our fellows, it wasn’t a hard choice for me to serve AA and the world around me. Before AA I was nothing. Now days I'm married, kids, house, Job, drunks to serve, boats to ride on. I find time to do it all. But I know that the only reason I have these worldly possessions is because I put in my time helping drunks, and still do. A good suggestion might be to start inviting drunks into your home. Even though I only go to one meeting a week I still have drunks coming over every other night a week. And yes it can get old sometimes but man do I sleep well these days. It’s almost a lost art but it’s better than hanging out at clubhouses all the time. lol When my kids are with me for the summer I tell people to come over after the kids are asleep. This method lets you be at home and build long lasting relationships that for me are a vital key to my sobriety. Also, I love to fish and surf. I pretty much do these the time. My sponsor once told me, “if any thing you do in life isn’t about serving others you will pretty much become miserable”, which for us usually means drinking at some point. So when I’m out fishing or surfing i have a routine where I call people and invite them to hang out on the boat or come hang on the beach. Let me tell ya the joy of seeing a new guy catch a fish after living the last few years of his life in a living hell. I try to show people the joys of life. I let people know that they can live the way I live, experience the joy I experience, if there just willing to come hang out and be open minded to our spiritual program. Life’s not always a picnic for me but I’m always able to find peace and understanding in AA, which comes only from serving. Maybe read "Working with others" in the Big Book for suggestions on what your outlook should be about having drunks in your home. Good luck

re: Meeting makers make it? - posted by tweetie on 05/17 01:50AM I have spent my whole life desperately seeking some sort of peace and happiness. I used to believe that if only I had a spouse or a nice home or enough money to make ends meet, then I'd be okay. I used to think that if I wore nice clothes and drove a great car, then people would think well of me. My whole life has been spent trying to satisfy my every want or need, which a lot the reason why I'm so miserable today. I came to AA in my early 20's in desperate need for help to just stay sober. It was impossible to not drink and I was scared to death that I was going to kill myself or someone else in the process. I came to AA broken and beaten with no where to turn. I was willing, able, and ready to do whatever I needed to do in order to stay sober. I prayed a lot and begged the HP to restore me to sanity. Along the way, I met a lot of really cool people who helped me in so many ways. They welcomed me into their homes, they told me about their defects and mistakes (drunk and sober), and encouraged me to talk about what my troubles. They honestly tried to lead me towards a spiritual solution. I worked the steps and stayed close to a sponsor. What I found was sobriety, freedom, peace of mind, dignity, and a fellowship of friends who tried to help others; not only because their life depended on it, but because they wanted to. It was one of the best times of my life and I walked away from it all in the blink of an eye...trying to find more happiness for myself. ugh. After being sober for a while, I began to want more in life, which I think is okay to a certain extent. I had a list of things that I wanted and truly believed that once I got those things, my life would be great. More than anything, I wanted a spouse, more money, a nice home, a pretty car, cute clothes, and so on. Even though I had a great job, I wanted a better one. The one I had was boring and I wanted one that was going to make me happy instead. I felt I deserved all the things on my list, and because I wasn't getting what I "wanted," I became angry and indignant toward God for not granting my wishes. After all, hadn't I earned the right to finally get what I wanted in life? Couldn't He see how great I was and I hard I tried to get my life together? How could He be so cruel to deny me these things that were so important! Where was my reward damn it! After a period of time, I met someone who became the love of my life, or so i thought. He made me feel like a million bucks and gave me everything on the stupid list plus more. He promised to spend the rest of his life with me, and finally, I felt like I had arrived! I no longer wanted to drink, I had met a man who I thought I was in love with and it felt good. Seems like it was within a days time of meeting him that I walked away from the very things that saved my life. I quit going to AA and quit praying. I walked out on my friends as if they didn't even exist, and I certainly wasn't trying to help others. All I could think about was myself and what I wanted to do with my life. Life was good for a while, and I didn't drink right away. I was able to stay sober for a while, but eventually, the insanity returned and I drank again. My life became lonely and miserable, and all the things that I thought I wanted didn't seem to make me happy anymore. Still desperately seeking to make myself happy and satisfy my own needs, I began to grab for more and more, snatching everything I could get from life, just like it talks about in the literature. I became this ugly, selfish bitch who only thought about herself. I was asked to move out of the nice home, I handed my precious child off to my parents, I ran up huge amounts of debt in my dying grandmother's name, crashed the pretty car into a tree, and needless to say, I no longer had a job. When I finally did get a job again, I spent every penny trying to make myself happy again with booze, clothes, electronics, lavish apartments, etc. Ultimately, I lost everything. The car was repossessed, the constable was coming to move me out of the last apartment because I wrote a hot check for the 1st months rent, I got fat and could no longer dress up in the cute clothes, the guy I fell in love with was broke and bankrupt, along with my grandmother, and I was done. I was on the street with no where to turn. I had very little desire to be sober, but I knew there was something seriously wrong with me. Most of all, I wanted my life to get better so I thought I should come back to AA. I ended up with a pretty good job again and another place to live. I drank again. I came home to an empty house day in and day out, drinking most of the time...alone. My life meant nothing. I didn't buy groceries and barely turned the lights on in the house. I wouldn't answer the phone most of the time and there wasn't anybody in my life. The people that tried to help or stay close to me were pushed away and the people that I desired, ran as fast as they could. Realizing that my life basically shit and I wanted to die. I cried a lot and felt truly hopeless. I was scared and afraid of living like that for the rest of my life, so I desperately asked the HP for help again. I was graced with the desire to be sober again. Since then, it has not been easy. I struggle everyday with my fears, defects, and insecurities. I've become acutely aware of what a selfish and self-centered bitch I have actually been most of my life and it's horrifying. Lately, I can't seem to feel anything except ugliness, worthlessness, guilt and shame. However, the hope that I hold on to is seeing people like you, who are sober and happy, and who are living good and descent lives. I need to see the miracle of AA or I will probably drink again. For the 1st time in my life, I truly feel like my life is a gift today. I didn't feel that the 1st time I got sober. I didn't really think I was selfish and I believed I was a pretty good person with the exception of my drinking. Therefore, I deserved the things that I wanted, and no longer needed the help of a Higher Power or AA. I had lost all humility and perspective, and there is nothing spiritual about that. It's important for people like you to continue to come to AA. People like myself find great hope and peace in what your life has become because of AA. That is a gift in itself. Your life and your happiness help me to believe that I may actually get to experience the same thing one day.

re: Meeting makers make it? - posted by jda on 05/17 07:36AM I arrived in AA around 1986. I came initially through a treatment center (30 day) and found AA had all kinds of great people for me to hang out with. Cant say that I ever sponsored anyone but I did have a sponsor and we would meet weekly. I went to AA daily and enjoyed life. I too met my wife (now soon to be ex) through the AA. I also started going to college and got a degree. We married and moved to a small town. I started to earn a descent paycheck and we bought a house. We also started having kids. One day a few years sober (maybe 3) I looked around at my life and felt that I had everything normal people had, wife, house, kids, cars, career, degree, etc…. Because of the things in my life and my priorities, I too found AA meetings rather cumbersome and also found that I didn’t “get” what I used to get out of them. I would go and sit, people would wine about their problems, and I would leave. I began to not feel a part of at all. I also began to think myself rather different from these people. After all, I had all the good stuff life had to offer and truthfully, wasn’t in the same place as these people. I mean really, coming and wining about their stuff, they were missing out on the joy of it all, kids, career, wife, car, house, etc…Nope, not for me. So I stopped going. This was gradual but looking back on it, that is exactly what I was thinking. It became apparent that I was different than these people. I was better. Not really bad off like these guys were. I did sober up pretty young (19). So I drank. My wife, also a sober AA, was very upset….initially. Then one day, she too decided this was something she would like to try so she drank too. There we were, two sober AA members with all of the fruits of sobriety running over, drunk off our asses. Kids in tow, we drank to celebrate life initially. Then we drank to knock the edge off of the day. Then we drank to deal with the kids. Then we drank to escape our dilemma of hating life and each other. I started blacking out and doing weird shit like waking up in the bed with one of my children when I had fell asleep in my own bed. I started driving the kids drunk. This all disturbed my drunk wife. She begged for me to quick, demanded I quit. Blackouts while being solely responsible for the kids didn’t help either. We would eventually divorce…both drunk and hopeless. I would go on to win not one but two DUIs and a couple of more stays in treatment, now with the “career” on the line. I ended up sobering up in a trailer by myself, no wife, no kids, almost no job, and certainly not happy initially. My problem is that I have an ego that refuses to submit to the HP. Sure initially, being stung by alcohol, I do anything I can but give me some distractions and my priorities get all screwed up. Cart before the horse as the sponsor I had use to say. I would repeat this type of scenario again believe it or not. It is insane for me to think that I can leave AA it’s principles ….rusting god, cleaning house, helping others (Going to AA and trying to be of service) behind. 60 days sober is what I now have and I am finding it very difficult to walk sober this go around. So there is not much hope in this message….that is for the others to pass on. I just have some experience to share and for me, it isn’t good experience. Not saying your like me but I can totally relate to putting AA down for the life it has given me. I just found for me that I loose when I do this.

re: Meeting makers make it? - posted by Norma Desmond on 05/17 09:50AM Hi Gorilla Fart, Welcome to the Barflies message board! What a great way to start my Monday! You've gotten lots of wonderful experience, strength and hope in response to your post: alternating activities to make more time for meetings, inviting drunks home for fellowship, and cautionary tales about the certain consequences of putting instincts ahead of sobriety. I've seen so many drunks go through your situation. And their excuses for dropping out or cutting back on AA are always the same--the demands of living life. During their first go-round in AA they got sober, but what they failed to realize is that without continued sobriety in AA there will be no wife, kids, job, hobby, or recreational outings. It's a subtle form of denial of the first step. Are you really powerless over alcohol? It's your call. Great topic, Norma

re: Meeting makers make it? - posted by Trail of Tears on 05/17 02:03PM I feel like everybody has covered all the bases, but...I moved to new city where I didn't know a soul when I was three months sober. I was scared, lonely and lost so it was easy to plug into AA when I first got sober. I had so many questions, and I found some like-minded people who helped me answer them, and I made some wonderful friends along the way. The first few years of sobriety were rocky for me, not because I wanted to drink, but because I had a lot of wreckage to clean up. Again, it was easy to go to AA, even when I didn't want to when I had desperation driving me. But as my wreckage has been cleared, like others have found, my life has gotten put back together in way that I could not have imagined. In the last year, I have made a long dreamed about career change and I've gotten involved in a serious relationship (with a non-alcoholic who lives 30 miles away) for the first time since I got sober. Though these are great things, they've done two things...the job is demanding and my schedule has changed...plus suddenly my weekends are filled with a full life outside AA. It is hard to choose between our garden and AA or a his swimming pool and AA. I've had to make some tough decisions --- I changed my home group because I couldn't commit to a weekend homegroup anymore. Truthfully, dinners and concerts and river trips sometimes win out for me. But I do go to meetings when I've got time to go...even if I wouldn't normally go to that meeting. Even with those efforts, my blessings have put me in a position where I don't feel as solidly plugged into AA anymore. I have friends who seem to have done okay going to a meeting a week. But I'm a pretty high maintenance drunk, and I need AA and its fellowship. I have to stay plugged in or I end up like I did this weekend ---in the middle of this beautiful garden my boyfriend and I have planted, bitching while I tie up my tomatoes, threatening to throw mud at him, and when that didn't work, I stomped my feet (which were wearing red rubber boots -- with shorts) and I threw myself down on a swing and bawled hysterically. At that point, I knew I should have stayed home and gotten a meeting or two over the weekend. And I went a meeting Wednesday.... I was talking to a friend last night about it and she made the comment about how long it sometimes seems to get reconnected once you've drifted away. I find myself just trying to dig deeper and yet do simple things, too, to stay connected, like calling somebody I know is having a rough time or making brownies (from a box) for my new home group meeting. Like other people have said, I wouldn't have these things without AA. The teaching job, the man, the garden...or the humility and grace to wipe my face, put my boots back on, say I'm sorry and keep planting potatoes all have come from AA and what I've found there.... Peace...

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While we hope that all our guests share their experience as it relates to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, we remind everyone that the contents of these message strings are strictly personal opinions of the authors. When in doubt about the nature of statements made please consult the Big Book and other AA reference materials... our motto: "If its not in the book, it doesn't count." Thank you all for sharing.