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Trusting Higher Power - posted by Potus at 05/11 09:00AM I have been putting off a decision that has needed to be made for a long time, but fills me with a degree of fear I don't typically live with anymore. I still have fears, but not like this. This is a big one. I went ahead and did what needed to be done and now will have to wait and see if my fears come true or not. I always get irritated in meetings when I hear people say "your worse fears never happen". Mine have, and yet AA worked anyway. I believe the more important message is that AA works in spite of my fears, not that my fears never come true. So, I returned to work after my earlier appointment. I have been engaging in a crush with someone that I could not get a real read over whether they were interested in me or not. We are frequently around each other and there has been lots of staring and mild flirtation, but the environment we see each other in is not conducive to getting to know someone better. So, trying to be willing to stick my neck out, I threw some bait and they did not take it. I was very bummed and disappointed, as this too is an area of my life that fills me with fear. Fear of being alone forever vs. fear of actually taking a chance and getting involved with someone. I am not real prone to take those chances anymore and I guess I expected some brownie points from the higher power for sticking my neck out. The cool thing about all of this is the internal disruption seemed to have passed fairly quickly. The first fear talked about above will be a long process, the second fear of reaching out to this crush ended with no harm done and a friendship still in tact. At some point, the thoughs actually started to go through my mind and I found myself saying out loud "ok God, Im gonna trust you no matter what". Just a deep feeling that I will get what I need with the first scenario and trust that this person I was interested in just may not be the one for me. I love when that feeling comes, that God is in charge and has my best interest at heart and I can have peace when facing fears and not getting what I want. Just wanted to share that, particularly for newcomers who when faced with fears or emotional disturbances of any kind beleive it will never end. That is Alcoholism 101, the feeling that when things are not going our way "it has always been this way and will never get better". AA and the higher power are way bigger than that. Don't underestimate either.

re: Trusting Higher Power - posted by Norma Desmond on 05/11 10:40AM Hi Potus, I remember something my first sponsor drilled home: "anything based on fear is doomed to failure" and its evil spawn, "anything based on a lie is doomed to failure." Keeping this in mind has helped me face up to many terrifying situations and stay sober regardless of the outcome. However, I have at least two lifelong fears that I've been unable to face and that haunt me every day. I know I will have no peace until I walk through them. The higher power knows I'm weak and has mercy on me, keeping me sober in spite of this emotional turmoil. It's sweet that you've been given the grace to move forward with the thing you've been putting off for a long time. It's a giddy freefall when I finally give up and "cast my fate to the wind." As for the crush, I'm pretty sure this is one of those areas where men and women don't understand each other very well. Men who are not available seem to operate under the assumption that it's okay to look and even to flirt, as long as they don't make the first move. I think it's called plausible deniability. (FYI, I learned this the hard way.) Peace out, Norma

re: Trusting Higher Power - posted by wade l on 05/11 01:29PM plausable deniability, that's it! Most times guys don't even see that bait, you may have to hit him over the head. If ya'll are really friends, then you have nothing to risk and everything to gain. My friend would always tell me, "A turtle would never get anywhere if he never stuck his neck out." I didn't know how to live in the world and have proper relationships when I first came into AA. I had to take risk and try things out. Sometimes they would work out, sometimes they didn't. I always learned something and this improved me and my ability to function in the world.

re: Trusting Higher Power - posted by tweetie on 05/11 03:02PM I'm glad that both of you have posted on this topic. This has been a real struggle for me lately. I am riddled with fear and cannot seem to think my way into feeling better. The more I talk about things, the worse the fears get. One person offers a solution or a suggestion and that sets off a whole different set of fears. Other than the horrible and hidious things I do when I drink, this is probably one of the most insane things I've ever experienced. I've experienced insanity from alcohol, insane amounts of selfishness, and now I'm insanely fearful of everything. I don't know if it's really insane, but it sure feels that way! Sunday night was really bad for me. I have only been sober for a short while this time around, and besides the constant, nagging fears, I've pretty much been okay. When I say I've been okay, I mean that I have been given what I needed to get through each and every day. When I asked the HP for help, somehow I was graced with a desire to be sober, and enough willingness to seek AA. Some pretty drastic things happened almost immediately, which set off tremendous fears and would not be considered as an ideal situation for getting sober, but it seems like it's helped me to stay willing and to try for better. I don't know? The change that took place in my life was good and I believe it was something that the HP wanted, but nonetheless, it's been difficult as far as being able to put AA first. I struggle with Trusting the Higher Power day in and day out. Since I got sober a month or so ago, I've had numerous things happen that should serve as proof and a reminder of what He can do when I attempt to surrender my will. Clearly, I can see that a HP is doing for me what I cannot do for myself, however, I'm unable to find comfort in that right now. In addition to many, many ridiculous fears, I've recently been hit with a tremendous amount of financial fears also. These in particular, make me feel like I need to hurry up, take charge and act with an incredible sense of urgency. Oddly enough, I can't seem to do anything though. It feels like I can't move. However, not doing anything seems retarded and scares the crap out of me too. It's exhausting! So saturday afternoon, I began to read the 3rd step in attempt to find an answer, or at least some comfort. It talked about turning the rest of my will and life over to the HP in addition to my problem with alcohol. It appeared that the answer was to go on with the rest of the steps, and it seems like I remember reading that it was the correct use of my will at this point? So, I began to read the 4th step in the 12 x 12 and the big book. As I was reading, I had this overwhelming sense of ugliness that came over me, both inside and out. It was horrible. I realized that if I didn't do a 4th step pretty soon, I was going to drink. So I went to a meeting and hung out with a friend that night which helped me get through the rest of that day. Sunday was a very difficult day. After the tormenting of financial fears, realizing the ugliness of my character, and dealing with my mother for mother's day, I was done. I wanted to drink, and I was too afraid to pick up the phone and ask for help. I asked the HP to please keep me sober and thankfully, I didn't drink. Even though I'm going through the motions of getting through each day, I'd say that I'm pretty much convinced that I'm either going to drink or accept spiritual help. I appreciate the posts today. I needed to get this out of my head and just say it out loud. I'm really struggling and I'm scared to death.

re: Trusting Higher Power - posted by kah on 05/11 03:39PM Im really glad you posted Tweetie. Your post took me back to early sobriety and finding out pretty quickly how terrified I was. As soon as I got sober, I had to move out of my apartment to avoid eviction, which meant I had to move in with my dad, whom I hated at the time. I had warrants out for my arrest I had to deal with. The IRS was sending me nasty letters everyday, along with every other bill collector in town. I was on the verge of losing my job. The guy had left me and most of my family was just fed up with my shenanigans. I was a walking basket of raw nerves and more terrified than I had ever known before. I have often looked back at that time and felt that was one of the greatest gifts the higher power ever gave me, that it was so hard. The consequences of my drinking slammed me in the stomach almost as soon as I stumbled into that first meeting. What ended up coming out of that though was an unshakable faith in AA and a higher power, a belief that I could stay sober under any conditions, even when I was terrified and the world was closing in. So often it seems like when folks don't get that pink cloud, they bail. They think AA has failed. I found out that AA and higher power could work in my life no matter how I felt. As long as I was willing to keep walking in the direction of the higher power and trying to do what I think he would have me to do, i.e. trust God, clean house and help others - he would take care of me. As much as it sucked in the beginning, when I look back I am really glad it was that way. Much peace my friend.

re: Trusting Higher Power - posted by wade l on 05/11 07:41PM In step 3 we come to a decision. A decision to do what? Turn our will and lives over to a higher power. How is that done? By working the remaining steps. Step 3 is basically a decision to work the rest of the steps. It is a very difficult thing to work the remaining steps. It required me to face some very ugly facts about myself. I had to honestly face who and what I had really become. When I began to see how awful I really was I became very depressed and fearful. I thought that this was the way I would always be. I quickly had to tell some one the things that I found in my inventory. I couldn't live alone with them anymore. They would share some of their story and I would realize that there was hope for me after all. So by all means work the steps, and work them like your baling a sinking ship, because that's what you are doing. But be warned - when you get all the crap out, The HP is going to fill you up with the good stuff. They would tell me "Kid, your life is going to work out beyond your wildest dreams"

re: Trusting Higher Power - posted by kvet on 05/11 07:53PM Trusting a higher power is difficult for me also, but when I can do it, I see the miracle of AA. Lately, I've been able to see that miracle. I've worked hard to pray before I get up in the morning and before I go to bed - handing my life over to a higher power each time. I believe this, the fellowship I get from AA and an effort to work the steps are the things that give me peace. Peace is something I never had when I was drinking. I tried things such as yoga, self-help books and counseling to get it but those things never worked. It wasn't until I was willing to surrender my life to something bigger than myself that I got relief. Doing this though is more often hard than easy. I fight it many times a day. But, I continue to try because I know what is left for me if I don't, and that is the insanity of drinking. I don't want to go there again.

re: Trusting Higher Power - posted by jda on 05/12 08:51AM Piece in sobriety is still new to me. Fear usually takes root at some point during the day. Usually it is work related or girlfriend related but either way, once it is established is very hard to be rid of. Prayer keeps me from running home and hiding under the bed so to speak but does not prevent me from being nagged by it. The meditation this am was a good one. I especially loved the part where it said “Any soul can feel this in a harbor, but real joy and victory come to those alone who sense these when they ride a storm.” This is the message I get from people who have been around for a while such as KAH. Life still happens. Bad things too…but now I have established contact with an infinite source of strength, peace, and love that can get me through it. If the connection is strong enough, I too can ride the storm out and not have to imprison my mind with the fear. This is ultimately the miracle that AA offers. A chance at a sober life and promises (9th step) beyond my current comprehension. All I have to do is follow the steps and the great thing is there written down in the book.

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While we hope that all our guests share their experience as it relates to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, we remind everyone that the contents of these message strings are strictly personal opinions of the authors. When in doubt about the nature of statements made please consult the Big Book and other AA reference materials... our motto: "If its not in the book, it doesn't count." Thank you all for sharing.