The Barflies Message Board

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Pride and Work - posted by kvet at 05/05 11:14AM My pride can very easily be bruised at work, and today is one of those days. I long for a time when my self-worth isn't tied so tightly to my performance on the job. Underneath all of this is so much more - financial fear, a desire to be perfect, a need to be liked and good at something. It's so pathetic. Why can't I just be a worker among workers, a friend among friends? Why, on most days, is that not enough?

re: Pride and Work - posted by privateparty on 05/05 12:37PM mine is knowing I ain't that Good .But damn you if you tell me.

re: Pride and Work - posted by booger on 05/05 02:58PM so PP... can you back that babble up with something in the BB or 12x12? do you get that we want the AA solution, not yours?

re: Pride and Work - posted by jda on 05/05 03:14PM I find that jobs and relationships (both male and female) cause me the most fear. Cause the better than or worse than syndrome. I just did the 5th step in which I was reminded that "self reliance" failed me. This is the root of my fear. This chronic comparison to those around me. A strong desire to manipulate the situation to my advantage. These wasted efforts tire me and those around me. A dependence on the higher power is suppose to help with all of that but being new, that connection is weak. What gives me great hope is that so many others have attained the dependence on the HP using the 12 steps and the fear has been lessoned to an extent that they can function. I constantly have to ask for god to remove the fear and re-direct my thinking. Seems to help even just being able to think such a thought. A more effective thing is for me to do what is in front of me. Asking god what that next right thing is. If I have attempted to keep a conscious contact with the HP, the right answer comes.

re: Pride and Work - posted by kvet on 05/05 03:26PM I definitely can get wrapped up in comparing myself to others - wishing I'm better, hoping I'm better, trying to convice myself I'm better. I hate the thought process. It makes me feel bad, which is progress. Before AA, I felt justified when I put other people down in order to make myself feel better. I couldn't see if for what it is - selfishness and, like jda said, a dependence on myself. Dependence on self never works. I don't know why I keep trying it.

re: Pride and Work - posted by Trail of Tears on 05/05 04:04PM I just very nearly lost my job because of pride...in my case it was an attitude of, "You little fucking fuckers, you will NOT motherfucking laugh at me," and I threw a book across the room that hit 1 to 3 students, depending on who you ask. There has been so much self-reliance, ego-driven fear, etc. in my life over the last year that it is a miracle that I haven't had a drink. AA has taken a backseat to everything. It's not like I've quit going, but everything else --- my job and my relationship especially --- has come before AA. The humiliation I have felt over the last week has been a reminder that I must put AA and the Higher Power first. I was talking to my department head about the situation, and do you know she said, 'this is why it is so important that we pray in the morning.' This woman is not a drunk, but it took that comment to make me see where self-reliance has gotten me: a week wondering if I had a job, humiliation in front of former co-workers when my situation got leaked to the press, 2 days without pay, anger management classes, and more classes on classroom management. I understand the desire to be the best...I want to be the best teacher who ever lived. But, guess what? I'm not, and I seem to be surviving and I'm sober...and that is a miracle...and grateful that maybe another layer of wicked pride got peeled off and maybe the Higher Power will take me to better things...

- posted by KAH on 05/05 04:29PM I think what I hate the most is the fact that I have to work at all. I really don't feel like it most of the time. I started typing my resignation letter this morning. Fight or flight. Those had always been my options prior to AA and even some since getting sober. I have been reading the comments all day and Trail's comments about "praying in the morning" hit home. I have made more of an effort here lately to pray about my work life. I have been praying and asking HP to help me serve my employer and those persons I deal with in my job. Amazingly enough, in spite of being very unhappy with my job, I have been able to serve my employer, give an honest days work for an honest days pay. That is not something I can do on my own. Some of mine is pride too. Some of it is a mid life crisis of some sort, kind of a "what am I supposed to be doing with my life?" issue. Some of it is knowing that I am getting stabbed in the back by a particular person I have to work with and that she is sabotaging some of my work. The gift for me is being able to just try to keep doing my job, in spite of how I feel. I, like most people, have to work and jobs are scarce right now. I am grateful to have one. I have responsibilities and kids to feed and can't just walk out. Everything in me wants to scream "fuck you" to a bunch of people and carry my ass out the door. I have visions of how bad it will be if I walk out, kind of a "that'll show em" bullshit. The truth is the agency will go on just fine without me. So, I just keep trying to do what I think the HP would have me to do. Trust me, I am looking at other options, but for today, I am still here and still trying to be useful in some way. I never cease to be amazed at what the HP has done for me and continues to do. If you had any idea of exactly how crappy I feel about my job right now, the fact that I am still sitting here would be proof of a miracle to anyone. That is what I got in AA. Not just one miracle, but many.

re: Pride and Work - posted by privateparty on 05/05 07:04PM I just want to kick booger in the Behind

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While we hope that all our guests share their experience as it relates to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, we remind everyone that the contents of these message strings are strictly personal opinions of the authors. When in doubt about the nature of statements made please consult the Big Book and other AA reference materials... our motto: "If its not in the book, it doesn't count." Thank you all for sharing.