The Barflies Message Board

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ease and comfort - posted by Jules at 04/29 09:25AM I woke up this morning feeling empty. I am lonely and have lost the desire to be useful. I am angry and sad. The need for ease and comfort have taken over and I think about drinking. The obsession isn't quite there, but the need for something is. I want to crawl back in bed to escape the day and then I think about alcohol to numb the pain. I don't think I really want to drink, just want the comfort of oblivion. My first reflex is to keep this to myself, to be quiet and let it pass. Maybe I could just ignore it and it'll go away. I know God has a plan, but it's painful and I'm all over the place with raw emotion. I just want to fast forward through the pain. In the past, I would drink and basically wake up after everything was all said and done. Now, I'm forced to walk through it and it hurts. I know it's my selfishness. I'm not getting what I want. I'm reluctant to post this morning because I feel I'm setting myself up to get replies of which I will want to say, "fuck off." That's what I feel like my day will bring, screaming at people to go fuck themselves. I pray that doesn't happen and that I can be useful in some minute way.

re: ease and comfort - posted by jda on 04/29 09:43AM I too woke up feeling a bit on the disturbed side. I am at work now and have been saying a prayer for god to re-direct my thinking. It seems to be working as I am working now after surfing the internet...my escape when I am screwed up. Of course…I am writing on this msg board….not exactly work. I do believe this will pass for you just as it has done in the past. Keep on going to meetings, prayer, helping people, etc...Sounds monotonous and is for me at the moment but I do have hope that my perception of things will clear up if I am making even the smallest of efforts in the spiritual direction....just like you did by posting this morning.

re: ease and comfort - posted by tmi on 04/29 10:18AM It's been a struggle here for me lately too. The past few mornings I've had to drag my ass out of bed because I don't want to face the day. Constantly questioning what good will come out of today. There's a lot of things I've ignored over the past year that have come to roost. It's real pain in the ass to realize I've done the bare minimum to stay sober. Avoiding responsibilty is one of my favorite past times. Hell, I’ve got a project where I'm managing the construction of a new bridge. We had a pre-construction meeting Monday and low and behold the guy that was fucking my ex was filling out an application to work for the contractor. Holy shit, God was doing for me what I could not do for myself because I shook the fuckers hand and made brief small talk. Apparently, he's going through a rough time finding work so I gave him some names of folks he could call. There seems to be quite a bit of fear seeping into my life right now. I've been leaning heavily on prayer, faith (under-construction) and going to meetings. I am beginning to understand that God's will will prevail inspite of me and if I struggle with it things just seem to get worse. Things are what they are and all I can do today is just step up and try and see where I can help somebody and try to be an unselfish, productive member of society. It's a chalenge.

re: ease and comfort - posted by pooter on 04/29 10:21AM I woke up this morning in a weird feeling too. I have been talking to people already about what all I was feeling. I keep trying to find the reason that I feel so fucked up right now. I think that the bottom line is that I AM AN ALCOHOLIC. I know today that not too many things have to be wrong in the world for me to completely bat shit crazy inside. I feel like trying to do anything that I can for people to try and get out of myself. I am selfish in that too . . . for instance, i was driving home the other night and i saw a fire truck outside of one of my friends home. I immediately began to be concerned and drove over to see if all were okay. They were fine, just a little mishap, thank god. But, as I was pulling away I began to think that I was wanting it to be more extreme than it was so that I would be able to help for longer or something. What a selfish prick. I want their house to be on fire so that I can feel better. Just a little insane. today, i am praying for god to help me to see the truth. I am probably only praying for that because I am tired of feeling the way that I do, day in and day out. I want to know what is wrong with me. I want to be able to help my friends and others when I can because that is what God wants from me, not so that I feel better from it. I want my dependence to be completely on that of the higher power. I want to have good days again. There are times that I can do what is expected in order for me to stay sober, but it does not mean that I am going to feel good. Boy, if there was that kind of certainty, I would only do a little. It seems that I need all of it: praying, BB, 12 and 12, sponsor, friends, dogs, strangers, and other alcoholics. I NEED IT ALL. One just would not be enough for a drunk like me. I KNOW THAT I CAN BE JUST ABOUT AS CRAZY SOBER AS WHEN I WAS DRINKING. I don't want to like in those emotions today. Peace will come. I have had it before. I would not know what it is if I had never been able to experience it. My perceptions are so skewed. I think that for a drunk like me it takes a little time to get to the bottom of the barrel; the same as it did for me to realize that I had a problem drinking. I will keep doing the things that are suggested by the BB. I will pray for God to help me see the truth. Today, I don't think that I want to be wishing that Fucking Pain . . . it is really painful. I hope that we can all find peace . . . if only for moments.

re: ease and comfort - posted by wasteland on 04/29 07:56PM I sometimes find myself waiting forthe day that all of my defects go away and i can just be a normal person. I almost said again just now, as if i was at some point normal or if anyone is actually normal. This thought I have about normal people, this idea that others don't struggle with life because they drink with impunity can be traced back to the same defects that caused me to hurt myself and others while I drank. Insecurity. Self-centered fear. Fear. A familiar word. A irritating little concept that somehow drives all my actions and thoughts. The "evil corroding thread" that the canvas of my life is weaved around. Why is it there? Because it has to be. If I weren't afraid of being broke and homeless then I wouldn't drive for success. If I wasn't afraid of getting fired then I wouldn't strive to be a better employee. If i wasn't afraid of STD's then.... well maybe I shouldn't go into sex and get all you barflies cranked up!! HAHA! Fear. A neccessary evil in its own right but a dominating force when left unchecked and out of touch with reality and the reality is that this is God's sandbox and I'm just playing in it. "When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well. Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our own little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn." Such powerful promises to me as a "broken" human. Such hope presented to me as a hopeless drunk. And then we read.... "We asked ourselves why we had them. Wasn't it because self-reliance failed us? Self-reliance was good as far as it went, but it didn't go far enough. Some of us once had great self-confidence, but it didn't fully solve the fear problem, or any other. When it made us cocky, it was worse. Perhaps there is a better way -- we think so. For we are now on a different basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do a s we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity." I'm a pitifully prideful son of a bitch and I seem to forget Who is actually in control of life and the world. Its not me. Its weird how I consistantly forget just Who is in charge when I wake up in he morning. I know you've heard it a thousand time before but... Trust God. Help others. You'll be ok

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While we hope that all our guests share their experience as it relates to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, we remind everyone that the contents of these message strings are strictly personal opinions of the authors. When in doubt about the nature of statements made please consult the Big Book and other AA reference materials... our motto: "If its not in the book, it doesn't count." Thank you all for sharing.