The Barflies Message Board

Welcome to the Barflies Group Message Board. We encourage all alcoholics to share their experience, strength and hope in a way that is conducive to AA’s primary purpose, which is to stay sober and help other alcoholics achieve sobriety.

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malfunction - posted by wasteland at 04/06 11:00AM It seems as though I'm broken. I don't know what to do with myself on any given day. Feeling alone and isolated even though I've talked to people today. My mind is racing, filled with thoughts of sadness and hopelessness. My gut is filled with the knots of anxiety. I'm feeling more and more insecure about being an alcoholic. I watch people too much and I am jealous of them. I'm jealous of everyone. Jealous of others that have their shit together. Worried that I'll never have a useful life. I feel far too many emotions and I'm hyper-sensitive to everything that people say. I cant remember friends birthdays but I can remember every syllable of words of another that hurt me months ago. Nothing new happened today, its the way I feel most days. Like there is an emptiness in me. This is why I drink. To try to escape this. Now that drinking is not an option I'm left with this shit. Scattered painful thoughts. I'm I in a depression? I pray and ask God for guidance but cant focus and definitely hear no answers today. There is no calm, no peace, no fucking serenity. When will this shit just go away? I help others. I go to alot of meetings. I pray. I write. I make amends when I've done harm. Ok so I guess I'm done complaining

re: malfunction - posted by Norma Desmond on 04/06 11:46AM Dear Wasteland, The feelings you describe are very familiar to alcoholics...sounds like self-centered fear to me. I get that a lot. But in AA I don't have to drink over it and that's the miracle. Just by not drinking and going to meetings and trying to work a program, I'm living a useful life. Already. Right now. My alcoholic nature is always worried about how I feel, how I look, what I'm getting and what I'm not getting. It's never satisfied. It's never happy except during momentary passing thrills...but only for a moment, because the thrills get old and boring. Fast. I try not to dwell so much on how I feel. Feelings are like drifting clouds across the landscape of my sobriety...some are nice and fluffy...others are dark and ominous. But the terrain, the ground beneath my feet, never changes. For an alcoholic, the solution to any problem is always the same. Go to a meeting. Help a drunk. Work the steps. See what I can bring, not what I can get. Feelings come and go, but only AA can satisfy an alcoholic at depth. It has taken me quite a while of living sober and to learn this. Getting my way is nice, but it's always a passing thrill. I'm always left with the emptiness of alcholism, which only AA can fill. Peace, Norma

re: malfunction - posted by kvet on 04/06 11:50AM I too feel like I'm broken. I'm worried that I don't have what it takes to practice the principals of AA. Some days I feel like I can but others - like today and the past few days - I feel like it's impossible. I know if I don't try I will end up drunk. I just don't feel like trying today. It's taking everything I've got just to hold it together at work and not break down in tears. I've tried praying. I've tried serving others. But nothing is working. I still feel miserable. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. I don't know. I'm sorry there is no hope in this message. Maybe there is something is knowing you are not alone.

re: malfunction - posted by Trail of Tears on 04/06 03:26PM Something Kvet wrote struck me --- "Maybe I'm not trying hard enough." Ugh...that hit me hard...I have felt that way so many times, especially the first three years or so -- and i've only been sober 5! I felt like shit most of the time. I didn't WANT to, but I did...nothing seemed or felt right in my world, despite my efforts. My job sucked, I had no money, my dogs were bad, and I was single -- because who would ever want someone who was broke and miserable and couldn't control their own dogs? I was so full of self-pity and fear, it made me sick and bitter. I would feel frustrated, tired and guilty. I would continue to exhaust my efforts, then finally go crying to my sponsor...she would ask me the usual stuff --- had i been to a meeting, had i helped anybody, had i prayed, had i worked the steps, etc. Yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes. Once she said, 'Sometimes, it's just your turn in the pot.' It was like a light bulb going off. It didn't make things get better, but it loosened the knots up enough for me to breathe so I could say, 'okay, i'll just keep doing what I'm doing...' Another friend would be more blunt...how you feel doesn't mean shit... I say that feeling like crap is part of the process...so there's nothing wrong with feeling like crap...it will pass...

re: malfunction - posted by arw on 04/06 04:17PM Hi Wasteland, I'm glad that I saw your post today. I want you to know that you are not alone. My whole life seems as if it's been a "wasteland" and I too am very broken. I've been sitting here trying to figure out what to write in response to your post, and being that I'm less than two weeks sober, all I can seem to focus on is how I feel as well. Over the last couple of days, I've been an emotional wreck and basically praying and talking my way through it with the help of my friends in AA. I have a constant knot in my stomach, my mind is racing out of control, I'm scared to death of everything, I can't sleep, and I seem to be sweating a pretty good bit. I am filled with anxiety and fear, and for whatever reason, it feels like I have a broken heart or someting. It's been really difficult, but like you did today, I've been more willing to talk about it than I have in a long, long time. I've made some petty attempts at trying to get sober over the last couple of years. However, I'm not sure what happened this time to arouse the willingness other than I don't want to live the way you described in your post any longer. I too see people who live normal, descent lives and I wish for the same. I often wonder why it is that they are so capable but I am not. Thankfully for today, I do know that's just not the case. My alcoholism cuts me off from having relationships with my fellows and with a Higher Power. It cuts me off from participating in a life with my family, and great friends are basically non-existant when I'm drinking. For most of my years, both as an adult and as a child, my life has seemed meaningless, futile, and without purpose. It's been a misreable existance and I feel like I'm at the jumping off point. I wish for the end, but don't have the nerve to do it. I remembered that for a brief period of time several years back, that I did in fact have a purpose. That purpose was to stay sober and help other alcoholics achieve sobriety. That purpose gave me the most happiness and peace that I've ever experienced in my entire life. It was far better than any drink or drunk that I've ever had. It was then that I became willing to be uncomfortable or have some humility about trying to get sober again. I want to live life...not just exist out of a bottle. I can't be happy, have relationships, or even be a good person when I'm not sober. The result is always nill for me when it comes to drinking. I just thought I'd share because I really liked your post. I appreciate your honesty and willingness to share your feelings.

re: malfunction - posted by privateparty on 04/06 06:44PM I watch people too much and I am jealous of them. I'm jealous of everyone. Jealous of others that have their shit together. Worried that I'll never have a useful life. well from what i see is if i am busy watching everyone else .I could be to blind to see what i have. Or If all i do is covet then All I do is shut out the sunlight of the spirit.

re: malfunction - posted by wasteland on 04/07 08:05AM Another day begins... More paralyzing anxiety. I meet with a pastor and then later a couple of new guys to get a little step work done. Its so damn hard to serve others when I can barely hold myself together but i have to try. I know its the only relief that I will find. So I ask God for guidance and for some relief from the buzzing fears in my skull, but I can seem to concentrate again today. God help me today and thank you all for the responses. hmmm where is that happy, joyous and free stuff I used to feel pretty regularly?

re: malfunction - posted by kah on 04/07 08:54AM I have been broken all of my life. So, I drank. Really did not have any choice in the matter. Then, I land in AA and the way you described feeling yesterday, I felt that way all the time. All the time. A walking basket of raw nerves. Super sensitive, plagued by depression, self pity, insecurity, anxiety and every other defect you can name. I did the same things you mentioned. I did my best to do what AA suggested, I prayed, tried to help others, etc. and I would get reprieves from the raw nerves. Here and there, I would have some peace, but more often than not, I felt how you described. I remember at a couple of months sober crawling into bed for a week thinking I had pneumonia, when it was really just depression. Totally incapable of functioning. Fast forward alot of years later, and yesterday, I felt much like you described. Sad, lonely, envious, insecure, full of fear. The miracle is besides the fact that I did not take a drink or anything else, I was able, by God's grace, to get out of bed, get my kids to school on time, get me to work, participate in the day, meet my obligations and repsonsibilities and not take out how I felt on anyone else. That is truly a miracle. I often take for granted the FACT that in spite of how I have felt at times, good and bad, I have not had a drink in a very long time. I could not NOT drink before coming to AA. Not only have I not had a drink, but over time, I have found a grace here that allows me to function regardless of how I feel. I truly do not remember the last time I stayed in bed all day due to depression or just being fucked up. The moral of the story is I used to feel that way all the time and now, feeling that way is the exception not the rule. And when I do feel that way and I have a touch of it today, I still don't have to drink and can participate in life. Happy, joyous? Way more often than I ever imagined I could be. Free? All the time. I am free from the bondage of alcohol and that is a miracle I need not take for granted. Much peace to you. K

re: malfunction - posted by Norma Desmond on 04/07 09:01AM Good Morning Wasteland, I easily forget that I am not holding myself together...that AA and the Higher Power are. And that serving others is not a virtue for me...it's one element in the crazyglue that AA and the Higher Power use. I also frequently forget that I'm only happy, joyous and free when I'm not thinking about me...my little plans and designs, my fears and resentments. AA works. It's an excellent system. Love, Norma

re: malfunction - posted by TMI on 04/07 09:35AM I can feel your pain. The minute my eyes opened this morning I felt the impending sense of doom. For the past few days I've been beating a dead horse trying to think myself to happiness. At this point serenity goes and comes, but I don't want to drink. I went to a meeting last night and talked with a fellow who's going through a rough spot. You're absolutely right about helping others. When I get out of myself and work with others it really relieves me of self, but it's so easy for me to sit and stew about what I don't have. I definitely would not be sober and semi-sane if God didn't have mercy on me. Hell, if "wishing great pain" is the corner stone of sobriety you could build a fucking 10-story building on top of it! 90% of problems from day to day are the result of my shitty thinking.

re: malfunction - posted by arw on 04/07 12:14PM over the course of the last few days or the past week, I have felt many, many different feelings and emotions. I woke up this morning in a rush because we overslept. On my way to work, I thought to myself, I think I feel okay today. Once I got to work, settled in and began to go through the motions of the day to day activities, there is was...the overwhelming sense of impending doom. I'm newly sober so feeling crazy and whacky is to be expected I guess; however, I still do not want to drink but find myself praying constantly "please keep me sober and please restore me to sanity". Next up, I'm going to see how I can be useful to my co-workers and hope that I can find some peace in doing so. Lately, I've been trying to get through each day, basically by getting through it in smaller segments. I know that sounds like a "white knuckling" approach maybe, but it's more about the discomfort of the raw emotions that kah spoke of earlier. One minute I'm depressed, the next I'm worried sick, and on and on and on. In the past, I have not wanted to go to AA (as stupid as that sounds) in order to get sober. I have found great peace in the rooms of AA over the last 7-8 years, but as of right now, I can't wait until I can get to the next meeting. Over the course of my drinking and because of my selfishness (I presume), I eventually relinquished my responsibilites of being a parent over to my parents. Over the last year, they have completely supported my son in every manner. Within the last 2-3 weeks, I began to pray for God to help me. There were no specifics requested, but I did ask for his help. I'm not sure what happened first, but within a matter of days, my child was home again at his request and I had an overwhelming desire to get sober. A long time ago, when my child was smaller, I used to drag him around to meeting after meeting for selfish reasons. Mostly because I wanted to go to AA a lot back then, but sometimes it would be to hang out with friends or even chase a guy perhaps. Anyway, he is older now and I'm having a hard time breaking down and bringing him to a meeting with me. I feel like he's too old now and trust me, he's all about what "grown ups" are talking about now. He's just at that age now. Also, I was told the other night that if I leave him with anyone and they find out about it, they will take him from me. I know that I am his mother and I have to be willing to trust God, but it just scares the shit out of me. I want to be sober, I want to be a good mother, I want have God in my life, and I want to be free and live in peace. It just seems like it's going to be so hard when I try to figure it all out. I guess what I saying is that I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'm not trying hard enough and that I'm not putting AA first. I have been reading the BB and 12/12, reading and responding to the post on this board, and I did attend an online meeting yesterday. I have even thought about us going to the meeting but simply sitting outside during the meeting...simply as an act of willingness. My sponsor and friends believe whole hartedly in the principle of willingness and this time (or even just for today) I am more willing than I have been in a long time. My head always seems to complicate EVERYTHING and there is always some ridiculous obsticle as to why I can't get there. I believe that is my alcoholism, but it feels real...not fancied. So, I really wanted to respond to basically participate in the discussion and share how I am feeling today as well. God, my friends, the literature, and willingness have kept me sober for two weeks now, but I have to tell you, I am looking forward to the next AA meeting. I'm glad you are all here on line because both yesterday and today, I have truly felt the power of AA right here on this message board. So, thanks for being here and I hope to see a lot of you soon. Today is all I have to hold on too. For many, many reasons, I honestly feel like today is simply a gift! How precious, but honestly, I'm so scared that I'm going to screw it up...just like everything else. Today, all I can pray is please keep me sober and thank you. Now I have to go see how I can serve my fellows and how I can be useful. Thats all I have. thanks

re: malfunction - posted by pooter on 04/07 08:37PM I have been following the posts the past few days, and it is a very good thing for me to be apart of while I am out of touch with my people in recovery. I have been to a couple of meetings where I am at, but they just do not compare to those that I go to when I am in Baton Rouge. I know the feeling of being alone, feeling like it is all coming to an end and there is no side-step that could be taken in order to make it hold off for a minute. I know the raw emotions and nerves that are on the very surface of me, and what they can lead me to become if I am not making some kind of EFFORT to seek out my higher powers will. So many times this week, I forget that WHAT I WANT and WHAT HE MAY WANT for me could be (and most of the time are) two very different things. I have to pray my way through the days . . . still. They seem to be never ending when I am insane. I can't slow it all down. The truth is that the only thing that is spinning out of control is ME. My own self will and what I THINK is best for me. It is still so hard to distinguish the difference between the two sometimes. I often need to cut others slack, but most of all, I need to cut myself some too. I constantly think that I will fail and the fear of not knowing is the only thing that forces me to point of faith in that Higher Power. Lord knows that I do not do anything near perfect, but it is okay. I have to re-align my will with that of my Higher Powers over and over each day sometimes. It is hard, and I do not do it most times with any grace or dignity at all. But even through those moments, I have to try again and again. Slowly those time when I am most uncomfortable are removed for me to breath for a couple of minutes . . . then hours . . . then days. It happens without my paying any attention. It happens because I am focused on those around me. Trying to be there to serve and help them. I am so glad to have this asset at my fingertips. The computer. The thing that I live on everyday. Crazy. I have read numerous posts and never responded, but I am trying today. It is these problems, defects, and painful times that we share together that make me feel apart of something bigger than me. It helps me to feel not so alone. On the flip side I will see you.

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While we hope that all our guests share their experience as it relates to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, we remind everyone that the contents of these message strings are strictly personal opinions of the authors. When in doubt about the nature of statements made please consult the Big Book and other AA reference materials... our motto: "If its not in the book, it doesn't count." Thank you all for sharing.