The Barflies Message Board

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The Changes - posted by pooter at 03/23 10:10AM I have been dating this dude. I have done something very strenuous to our relationship. I went insane for a while. Figure that. I know that things may not be amendable, but I am trying to get right with God and myself again. I think that it took me going to that place of leaving myself and not being able to stop my actions in order to see what I can become. I have tried to be in the relationship with this person, but I think that I have failed miserable. I would go to him and tell him that I feel as though I am on the outside, on the peripheral of things. I would tell him to hold me and that did not seem to do anything for me. I could not figure out what was happening to me. I have never tried to be honest with anyone and I can sincerely say that I tried, and I still want to with him. Why is it that I hurt the people that I love the most when I am the one lost and confused. Scared of the changes that are happening with me because I have never been in those spots before? I am losing hope. Slowly. I am praying that I can accept these changes that God has brought to my life and not run from them. It is what they say, "you don't know what you have until it is gone." I want to work the steps through this place that I am in, but still consumed with fear I feel powerless. I could be that stagnant thing that never moves . . . it is that fear, that paralyzing fear. All the things that I had were good, but I am broken. I can't see anything from the fear, and it has to go to unimaginable lengths for me to understand that "um, something is wrong with me." I am praying and I am trying to continue to move through my daily events, but my heart is pounding through my chest. I want to be free from this fear. I want to be able to say what it is that I want and I want to be able to receive freely what he is trying to give to me. I know that the steps work . . . that freedom that comes is amazing. I am so ashamed with my behavior, actions, and words. I feel as though I am lost, crazy, and without hope.

re: The Changes - posted by kah on 03/23 11:04AM This is not a bad thing. The greatest gift AA has given me besides not drinking, is finding out the truth about who and what I am. A friend of mine so aptly puts it "the truth shall set you free". That has been my experience. When I began to see that my defects not only hurt me, but could and would destroy those around me, that was the beginning of being set free from them or at least them not leading me around by a chain. The steps are my friend in situations like you describe. Through the inventory I get to see how wrong I am and confess these things to another. I am humbled upon seeing how defective I am and how I can't snap my fingers and make these defects go away. Yet, I can abandon myself to 6 and 7 and get the oppurtunity to get right with God and man through making amends. Slowly but surely, I am being set free. The hope for me lies in knowing that once I see these things in me and become willing to work the steps, I am reconnected with a higher power who can and does restore me to sanity, so I dont have to drink and get to live a better life. This process of being humbled is "unbelievably painful", but it is also the price of admission to a new life (see step 7). I wanted a new life. Bottom line is I don't want to walk around hurting people. I don't want to drink. I don't want to be the town slut, liar or thief that I was when I got here. By the grace of a higher power and the steps of AA, I don't have to be. That is where my hope lies. Easy, not so much, but well worth the effort on my part. "In no case does God render us white as snow and keep us that way without our cooperation (6th step). I try to cooperate and these painful situations such as you describe have been my incentive to do so. Great pain. K

re: The Changes - posted by Trail of Tears on 03/24 09:12AM Crazy, lost and hopeless really isn't as bad as it seems. I can't tell exactly what's going on from your post, but the line that keeps popping into my head is from the 12&12: "The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being." I get along more or less fine in the world as long as the rules and expectations are clear. But in intimate relationships --- either romantic or my close heart-to-heart friendships --- those are not always clear. For those relationships to grow, I have to be willing to let God have his way. And that's not usually comfortable. I went through a divorce that ended a relationship that was filled with some shameful, humiliating, cringeworthy memories. I drank off and on throughout the relationship. I won't go into a lot of detail, but there various instances of me chasing him. And I mean that literally. I have multiple memories of chasing him barefoot in the snow, and once, I threw myself on the hood of the car to try to stop him from going to a hockey game. I drank hard after the relationship ended. And, in sobriety, seeing the violent emotional twists that happen to me in those relationships has been incredibly painful. I am now in what appears to be a long-term, stable relationship that started recently after being (unhappily) alone for almost 8 years. I say appears to be because I feel like it could be gone without warning at any moment. But mostly that's because I am emotionally somewhere on the borderline between Idiot and Moron --- my emotional reactions are like a child's. A few weeks ago, he said something that hurt my feelings. It was progress that I didn't pack my shit and go --- and it's hard to make a graceful, fuck-you exit while you shove 2 dogs and a wire portable kennel in a Saturn. Instead, I got in the shower and I decided that I was going to try to use all the hot water. No matter what anybody says, I like being in a relationship better than being alone, but he hasn't fixed what's wrong with me. That doesn't mean I should get rid of him. He's not lacking anything. Single or not, I'm always going to have moments (sometimes LONG moments) where I feel lost, alone, crazy and hopeless---that's the nature of my alcoholism. Great pain... Sky

re: The Changes - posted by pooter on 03/24 11:33AM I can't seem to get through the days. All that I keep praying for is for him to be able to find some peace and for God to do with me what he will. Terrified still. I have to believe that these events took place in order for me to become a better person. The person that God wants me to be. I always wish that they could have been a little more gentle. I get so mad because I can't see them in their subtlety. I want to call and talk to him everyday, and it is so hard to leave him alone. Let him be. Let him heal. I have to stop thinking about my pain and what I want in order to get through this. I am trying and I am working but I hope that it is will bring some empathy that I can send to him and learn to respect him for wanting the space that he is asking for. I am scared that by not calling him, he will think that I do not want him; that I do not care. I am working in reverse because of fear. Still powerless. Still in self will and self reliance. Still insane.

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While we hope that all our guests share their experience as it relates to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, we remind everyone that the contents of these message strings are strictly personal opinions of the authors. When in doubt about the nature of statements made please consult the Big Book and other AA reference materials... our motto: "If its not in the book, it doesn't count." Thank you all for sharing.