The Barflies Message Board

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Miracles - posted by jda at 03/16 11:25PM I hope all of u little fuckers know that you are truly blessed! I am no longer under the grace you are experiencing! If you think it is because of your virtuous natures, I will see you in hell. Smug response is expected but will also bring a chuckle as you join me. How does one get from a self pittying hopeless state of affairs into the light. I am currently loadshedding everything that is good! And yet it only manages to further pave the way to my utter destruction. You are truly blessed with something you do not deserve! Why you and not me. If you are like me then you are selfish to the core, only thinking of you....maybe not now but in the beginning selfish and undesrving. You were doomed. Not worth saving! Is it because I had the miracle and turned my back on it. Is this the thing that has put me in a prison I can't seem to break free from. Son of perditon. Dammed?

re: Miracles - posted by Wade l on 03/17 03:33AM You wax so eloquent with your despair, but do you actually work the steps or do you sit around waiting on God to wave a magic wand?

re: Miracles - posted by Jules on 03/17 07:08AM I pray that God is with all of us little fuckers. Undeserving? Yes. Hopeless? Once, but as a good friend told me, if I can pray, then I am no longer hopeless. Selfish? Absolutely. Bummed to read this post? Most definitely.

re: Miracles - posted by Trail of Tears on 03/17 08:30AM Virtuous? Don't think so. I moved from a state of hopelessness to a state of grace when I wanted to change badly enough to suffer uncertainty and loneliness. Work a step. Any step. Great pain.

re: Miracles - posted by kah on 03/17 09:25AM I read this post this morning and my first thought was "do you really want to get sober?" I mean, REALLY want to get sober, more than you still want to drink? I know for me, I desperately, at all costs, wanted my life to change and knew I could not drink anymore. Don't get me wrong, my body and mind craved alcohol for a couple of months after my last drink, but I wanted something other than what I had MORE than the desire to drink. It meant I had to do things I did not want to do, i.e., give up an apartment, give up on trying to win back the man, move in with my dad (whom I hated at the time), stay with a job I desperately wanted to quit because the man still worked there. Getting sober for me meant I had to not give a damn about any of that stuff anymore. Getting sober was more important. It meant lots of uncomfortable even painful things I did not want to do. "Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely." Bottom line is I had become willing to go to any length, ANY LENGTH, to get sober. Are you? If so, besides abandoning yourself to a higher power and working steps, go pick up paperclips. You know the story. I will forever be grateful to the woman who told me "for once in your got damn life quit thinking so much about yourself and do something for someone else, go pick up paperclips." It was the best I could do that day, walking around picking up paperclips and cleaning that office, but I had peace for that hour or so and I never forgot it. "Our very lives as ex problem drinkers depends upon our constant thoughts of others and how we may meet their needs." And by the way, all these little fuckers love you. We have been called much worse.

re: Miracles - posted by PM on 03/17 09:57AM "When we encountered A.A,, the fallacy of our defiance was revealed. At no time had we asked what God's will was for us; instead we had been telling Him what it ought to be. No man, we saw, could believe in God and defy Him, too. Belief meant reliance, not; defiance. In A.A, we saw the fruits of this belief: men and women spared from alcohol's final catastrophe. We saw them meet and transcend their other pains and trials. We saw them calmly accept impossible situations, seeking neither to run nor to recriminate. This was not only faith; it was faith that worked under all conditions. We soon concluded that whatever price in humility we must pay, we would pay." Now let's take the guy full of faith, but still reeking of alcohol. He believes he is devout. His religious observance is scrupulous. He's sure he still believes in God, but suspects that God doesn't believe in him. He takes pledges and more pledges. Following each, he not only drinks again, but acts worse than the last time. Valiantly he tries to fight alcohol, imploring God's help, but the help doesn't come. What, then, can be the matter? To clergymen, doctors, friends, and families, the alcoholic who means well and tries hard is a heartbreaking riddle. To most A.A.'s, he is not. There are too many of us who have been just like him, and have found the riddle's answer. This answer has to do with the quality of faith rather than its quantity. This has been our blind spot. We supposed we had humility when really we hadn't. We supposed we had been serious about religious practices when, upon honest appraisal, we found we had been only superficial. Or, going to the other extreme, we had wallowed in emotionalism and had mistaken it for true religious feeling. In both cases, we had been asking something for nothing. The fact was we really hadn't cleaned house so that the grace of God could enter us and expel the obsession. In no deep or meaningful sense had we ever taken stock of ourselves, made amends to those we had harmed, or freely given to any other human being without any demand for reward. We had not even prayed rightly. We had always said, "Grant me my wishes" instead of "Thy will be done." The love of God and man we understood not at all. Therefore we remained self-deceived, and so incapable of receiving enough grace to restore us to sanity. 12&12: pg 31-32, Step Two

re: Miracles - posted by Norma Desmond on 03/17 11:04AM I've often wondered what it would have been like during my drinking days if I knew I was an alcoholic. But I was so isolated and sheltered that I remained oblivious. No interventions by family/friends. No AA fellowship to raise my bottom and break my fall. By nature, I'm so angry and self-destructive that I kinda regret missing out on knowingly drinking myself into destruction while wallowing in defiance and toasting, "here's how!" Yeah--I'm a Leaving Los Vegas kind of gal, me. But by the time I truly understood the hopelessness of my situation, I already was sober in AA and sanity had returned (because AA works, darn it). Silly me...I grabbed ahold of spiritual principles because I was falling and spinning and screaming in a vortex of horror...I had no idea it was just alcholism. If I had known, given my nature, I wonder what my choice would have been?

re: Miracles - posted by jda on 03/17 08:54PM Despair has been my daily feast. Sorry ass bustards who claim to have the solutions have been my bone to pick. I just wanted to say thank you to the person who showed me some kindness tonight, shared some dinner and coffee with me, and did not ridicule. It is my hope that they did not cast their peals upon swine. For those that responded, I love you for it and you are no little fucker to me. I am at least 14 dead soldiers deep but have hope that tomorrow brings a brighter day. I have requested to be locked up and with any luck, and with any hope that is exactly what will happen. I believe AA has the solution but my obsession won’t let me experience it. I have tried for about a year with no luck. Always gone after a few days. I have informed my employer of the dilemma I am in. Either way….fired or helped, I believe my path is inevitable at this point. Destruction or salvation. 20 grand deep on a credit line says I can die….easily….leaving Las Vegas style….as desmond put it. On the other hand, I have let go of the girl, and striped my life of all non essentials. Notified the job which tells me in a small since, I don’t want to die. I want to live. 6 figures on the line. A useful life full of love for my kids and usefulness to other whatever the cost. ….fuck it all. Don’t care anymore…..

re: Miracles - posted by wade l on 03/18 08:10AM I love you also, else I wouldn't take the time to write this. So often I have seen people come in and say it just not working for them, yet they are not working the steps. My question for you is are you working the steps? I have found a solution, they named a whole chapter in the BB just to let you know! It required work and effort on my part and still does today. When was the last time you worked a 4th step? If you drink again then probably you missed something, do it again. Have you made your amends? Are you even willing to make amends? Are you honest, open minded and willing? If you don't want to do the things as outlined in the BB and 12 and 12, the very solution you cast aspersions on, then why are you wasting our time?

re: Miracles - posted by privateparty on 03/21 01:45AM If i am what i see in everyone else I guess its a LITTLE FUCKER . (All things pass away but my Higher power will never pass away.) ( seek And You will find i f I cannot see maybe i am blind.....) Or someone turned the light off -What turned the light off? No I can't fix you But my higher power can...What is to hard for my higher power. Always remember; E=mc2 all things are power all things are from God god is power house Brother!!!

re: Miracles - posted by privateparty on 03/21 01:47AM Bottom line if Sobriety had anything to do with me I would not be sober.Tonight might be a good night for michalobe or hienikin but i will make a meeting instead.

re: Miracles - posted by privateparty on 03/21 01:57AM one more thing. the reason God Gives us the power to waller in Self pity .Is sooner or later we will Learn it does not work. Thats right we are so Delusional like big babies we think it actually works. Ok let me include me in that . using Self pity as a Manipulative art is part of what I am Good at...I am tired of whinning like a Big Baby.

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While we hope that all our guests share their experience as it relates to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, we remind everyone that the contents of these message strings are strictly personal opinions of the authors. When in doubt about the nature of statements made please consult the Big Book and other AA reference materials... our motto: "If its not in the book, it doesn't count." Thank you all for sharing.