The Barflies Message Board

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Lucid Interval - posted by jda at 02/09 10:58PM As I sit here in my “lucid interval” as privateparty says…I think they are right…I can only think that pain and or delusion are on the horizon. I feel it nagging at me…like a shadow…always there waiting for the appropriate moment to devour me again. The big book talks about it. “The alcoholic at certin times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense MUST come from a Higher Power”. This is my failing. Always has been. The inability to trust god and do away with selfish things. I think I am working on it but must be fooling myself. I do not see the world as a place to be helpful. Rather I see it as my oyster. Gonna get my pearl. I do see this in me. I am trying to get rid of it but how. The BB says I can't wish it away. The smashing of ego, the deflation of self, the loss of all things good, being broken. These are the mechanisms that have brought me to a state of willingness in the past to accept spiritual help. This time around, those did not occur. Only this clear sense that I can’t drink successfully. Spewing shit all over the internet and waking up the next moringin humiliated. Knowing that to continue in this vein would shurly mean destruction of all I love and value. My close friend told me the big book was written to raise the bottom others had to hit so I would not have to go down so far. I hope he was right. I have no clue what God will ask me to do. I am sure it will come. So far, discontent, a tortured mind, and some aggitated nights have been my price. These are petty compared to what is about to be asked of me. To change myself in such a way as I view the world as a place to be helpful is a galaxy away from where I am at the moment. For example…I sat at a table tonight with some people from work knowing I needed that fucking AA meeting but didn’t budge. I just sat there in the bar and then resturant as though there were no issue….drinking my tea or coffee all the while noticing ever ounce of alcohol going into their bodies…One of them I think is one of us and yet there he is…all fucking successful…still fucking married…drinking his fucking ass off. What the fuck!!! This is the time I start thinking if he can do it…maybe I can too? Who hooo! Lets get it on!!! But then the thought comes that I know I can’t…not even a fucking drop. If I do, it will be all over and you will all become "little fuckers" again. So I say to my friend privateparty, spot on…once again. Now what to do about it…

re: Lucid Interval - posted by privateparty on 02/10 12:37AM Complete Surrender What am I willing to do? Or not do. What can I give up? Or take up. Who will I be? Or not be. What Will I have? Or not have. What Ever you Say Lord My Good one. Here I am. There Is Still Some Good in me, also much sad. I am what I have become. Here I am All Of Me and All of it .I am nothing in my self But a Grain Of sand A Bag Of Bones Filled with Ill Intentions .Here I am Lord Ready to Give you my ends and my beginnings’ am so Sick I can not even serve Less you Enable my settings. Here I am Inspire me to say what you will and go whare you will and do as you will. Make my will to do your will I completely surrender. Amen

re: Lucid Interval - posted by Jules on 02/10 07:44AM Let me just start off by mentioning that I'm still laughing at "all you little fuckers". While reading the original poster's topic and paused where it talks about not seeing the world as a place to be helpful. I remembered a story I've heard another poster talk about. I will slaughter the story but something about his first wife's coffee. She fixed it with a lot of grinds in it and he complained. He realized later that she fucked up his coffee probably because he was an asshole, or something like that. Other members on this board might remember this story. It stuck with me because I can hear the guy talking about it saying that he realized he "was a selfish asshole" or a "fucking asshole". I can't remember right now but I hope he reads this and corrects me; it's a good story. What I'm trying to say is that we work the steps in order to see this shit about ourselves, which apparently is becoming clear to the original poster. The next thing is to take it to God. If I can see this crap about myself, I can take it to Him, surrendering. Only He can help me. The part I always had trouble with was where it talks in the twelve and twelve about separating the boys from the men in step 6. Am I ready? I have paused on that one before. Can I humbly ask God to remove this shit which prevents me from the connection of the HP and usefulness to others? Is it possible for a selfish asshole like me to try to be willing to align my will with the Higher Power's? Can I even pray for willingness? These are the tough questions that I have trouble with. I find that when I'm earnestly seeking, the terms seem possible somehow. Safe journeys!

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While we hope that all our guests share their experience as it relates to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, we remind everyone that the contents of these message strings are strictly personal opinions of the authors. When in doubt about the nature of statements made please consult the Big Book and other AA reference materials... our motto: "If its not in the book, it doesn't count." Thank you all for sharing.