The Barflies Message Board

Welcome to the Barflies Group Message Board. We encourage all alcoholics to share their experience, strength and hope in a way that is conducive to AA’s primary purpose, which is to stay sober and help other alcoholics achieve sobriety.

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Never ever kever - posted by jda at 02/03 09:42PM That's what my kids say. Pain is the touchstone. Fuck that! Fuck service. I have learned nothing to answer your question. For those with no solution I say ffffuuuucccckkk you'. That is for us. The ones who are constitutionally incapable. We are a hopeless lot. We here the others espouse wisdomr and for what? For the next debacle. I am doomed. You little fuckers. Fuck u and your wisdom. I am activly watching my life get picked apart. Maybe I one of gods little blessings to the rest of you. Well... If I am you can all kiss my ass. Fuck you and your judgement. Going to hell anyway. Your welcome to join me. I wish you much pain. Never got me anywhere but knocking at the gates of hell. How about fuck you. That is more direct!

re: Never ever kever - posted by jda on 02/03 10:33PM Fucking help!!!! Can't seem to stop. No matter how hard or how bad. do I have to die? Go to prison? Lose it all? Will that be enough pain? I don't believe in pain anymore. The dailey dose and threat have made me numb. Kids are everything. When they look at me they see. The fear and terror. They see it. Don't have to say shit. They know daddy is fucked. Why does it have to be like this??? Can't it be enough to know I am doomed and know others have escaped????

re: Never ever kever - posted by booger on 02/03 10:41PM how about you try reading the book and doing what it says! you're not special!!

re: Never ever kever - posted by jda on 02/03 10:49PM So booger. If u r a drunk....u have done nothing to qualify that! U just picked up the book and flew straight? If that is ur experience I am fucked!

re: Never ever kever - posted by Trail of Tears on 02/03 11:28PM I don't believe, JDA, that your struggles are intended to be a cautionary tale for the rest of us. I didn't have to lose everything to get sober, but I lost the things that were the most important to me, and by the time I finally got sober, I wanted to lie down and die. It's raining tonight and it reminds me of a night late in my drinking where I sat listening to the rain, drunk, by myself in my kitchen, ripped with fear, wishing I could go to sleep and never wake up. I could hardley breathe...I couldn't pick up the telephone, couldn't watch television, I was too drunk to read...just sat on the couch until I passed out. I got sober when I reached a point that I wanted to be sober so badly that I was willing to be uncomfortable. I wish there was something else I could say, but I think at this point no human power can save you...may you find Him now...

re: Never ever kever - posted by privateparty on 02/03 11:34PM You cry and wine about stuff I never had! I just think your a spoiled BRAT! You Want to destroy your life drinking to death at least be a man about it. who wants to come save a whiny baby yeah I know about it being All About me .

re: Never ever kever - posted by privateparty on 02/03 11:49PM sometimes I have to just admit .I like to Pitch a Fit when things are not going my way. I hate to see people destroy there lives however .they do and normally they want to be rubbed the way they want to be rubbed .If they cannot get it just like that They get in to that I will show you mode . I'll drink you'll see. then That Craving starts again then what ! tooo the bitter end or hey .Wake up and admit the truth . I do not get my way .I pitch a fit. or hey I am not really an alcoholic I can get away with it so let me use my alcoholism to pitch a fit. then maybe I can get my way. The hard part is the pride that kills the Great cover up of justification. Insane Yep very insane.No you say well you think it worked last time maybe this time too. Professionally insane. cut the poo poo .!alcohol is but a symptom.... we had to get down to causes and Conditions. well Obviously I made those in my own mind. My way or else screw the rest of yaw. mines more important . hey call what you will however you choose. I call it selfishnes and self centered ness YES I am That WAY. I hope I rubbed you right ....let me know if you want some sugar with that sir.

re: Never ever kever - posted by klewis on 02/04 12:10AM jda, I could imagine still being drunk and being pissed at this program. I really can imagine although I haven't had a drink in quite some time and I never drank around the rooms, but I am good at hating people that have what I think I want and I am good at judging others for what I think I deserve more. It's really bullshit though. My hate and judgment have nothing to do with those other people....it's all me. I fucking hate me. I had to review some of my old college transcripts today and I felt sick....so many Fs, Ds, & Ws. What a loser. I would have been better off dropping out. I am embarrassed that applying for some Gov't jobs I have to show them my transcripts. Then, tonight I am trying to do an assignment and I don't understand the material, I am really frustrated, but I have barely cracked the book since class started over two weeks ago. I am a slacker. I do things half ass, but expect top-notch results. At least now I can get through my classes and don't quit (probably because now I am paying and it's expensive), but it isn't without a great deal of pain, stress, and chaos. I don't know why I am sharing all this, but really I am just a shitty student. That's the truth. I am a lazy person and if I can scrape by, well then, I just scrape by. I forget what the goal is....get a better job, make some better money, have some confidence in a skill, hope to expand my family. So when I realized today that, "Shit! I need to actually use this stuff!" it might force me to study today and maybe tomorrow.

re: Never ever kever - posted by jda on 02/04 07:04AM Privatparty hit it on the head. Humiliating but spot on

re: Never ever kever - posted by Jules on 02/04 09:03AM I never really lost anything material when I got sober, just like Trail of Tears mentioned. I couldn't look in the mirror and wanted to die. That was all. It seems trivial now, but then it was everything, consumed all the time by emptiness. How can one actually be full of.......nothing??? I was and I have no idea what happened. Like Trail of Tears said, I was willing to be uncomfortable. I no longer knew comfort anyway, so what would be different. I don't really remember seeking anything other than "make this fucking stop, please!" Maybe that job you have is good for something. Maybe you're travels bring you to different AA. Maybe the lost family is good for something. Maybe it gives you more time to help others and be of service. Maybe that car that you didn't lose is good for bringing other drunks somewhere, and not to a bar. Maybe the roof over your head is good for keeping drunks dry and warm while serving them coffee, or your new favorite, chili. You see where I'm going with this? Maybe the HP has other plans for you than sleeping under overpasses. You're still posting on this board while you're angry, which tells me you have nowhere else to go. That in itself says you've lost things in your life. I often think things might have been worse for me to get sober, but they were bad enough, whatever it was. I keep thinking of old cowboys saying, "shucks, it takes what it takes." I just puked a little when I wrote that, but I still think it's appropriate.

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While we hope that all our guests share their experience as it relates to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, we remind everyone that the contents of these message strings are strictly personal opinions of the authors. When in doubt about the nature of statements made please consult the Big Book and other AA reference materials... our motto: "If its not in the book, it doesn't count." Thank you all for sharing.