The Barflies Message Board

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Raw - posted by kah at 01/22 09:37AM So I woke up this morning full of fear, lonliness, sadness, anger and generally just feeling very old and alone. The good news is I used to wake up feeling like this often and it does not happen much anymore, but when it does, it is so incredibly painful. I want to run away. The best I could do this morning was dry my hair and get to work. It is a lot of hair. I have been alone for a long time. One divorce and one serious relationship that did not work out, left me battered, leary and scarred. Then I got involved with a couple of people that I just should'nt have. I mention this only because of where I am today. I made a concious decision to kind of bow out because I just did not want to take any chance on getting hurt again and truthfully, my judgment with the opposite sex sucks. I never expected that I would be alone this long. I really thought someone would have come along by now. I rarely get approached and for the most part if I do, I truly beleive that they just want to sleep with me. I dont remember the last time I met someone who I felt wanted to get to know me better with my clothes on. It leaves me feeling old, washed up, and wondering what is wrong with me. I was a good wife and a good girlfriend to the two men I have been serious with since I have been sober. Both of them would tell you so. Yet, my self esteem is in the toilet. I feel like I am in a pile of 41 yr old, divorced, single mothers of two kids with no support or break or time off. We are not hot items. So, I get defensive, put my guard up and pretend that it does not bother me, like I planned it this way. I am not near as strong as I would lead you to believe I am. I feel like I have alot to offer and never get an oppurtunity to do so. I have not slept around sober. I respect the boundaries of marriages and people in relationships. I try to do right in that area and feel like it does not matter. Trying to be good or do as I think God would have me has left me alone. I don't regret that though. It is nice to have some standards when I used to have none. The downside is when I feel as raw as I do right now, in the past, I have made some really fucked up decisions and paid dearly for them. Dont want to do that either. Add to all of that, I had to sell my home for financial reasons a couple of months ago. The plan was to move home to my parents house through the holidays, then buy something else. I love my parents dearly, but they are the poster children for passive-aggressive al-anon and practicing, chronic alcoholic. Some days I look at them and see it as a blessing that I get to see this kind of spiritual sickness up close. It is not one of those days. I desperately want my own home and when I am out and about find myself looking at houses. Yet, I am scared to death I wont be able to buy. My credit took some hits, but even beyond that, I am a goverment employee and things are very unstable right now. Scared to death if I am able to buy a house, either a: i wont be able to support us on my own and I am the sole support for me and my kids; or b: i will get laid off the day after I close on a new house. That would be my luck. To say that I am still angry would be an understatement. To top it all off, I have a sister who is getting married again next month to a really nice man who actually asked me out first. I turned him down. I don't regret that. I don't think we would have been right for each other. Yet, as glad as I am for her, I am jealous too. It just seems to have come really easy. They are both lovely, good people, but to say that they even attempt to live with some spiritual principles would be a joke. So I end up with this martyr state of mind, like i have been this great servant, where's mine? Momentarily forgetting that as of today I have not had a drink in over 18 years. Clearly God has given me mine. Yet today, it does not feel like enough. I know how absurd that sounds. So I end up feeling like I am going to be alone forever, living with my parents, start knitting and get a cat. I dont want this. Having a really tough time accepting that if God wanted it to be different right now it would be. Most days I find comfort in that, not today. Dont really know that there is a question or topic in all that. Just woke up teary eyed and cant seem to pull it together. Maybe someone is feeling the same way.

re: Raw - posted by gilly on 01/22 11:07AM I feel obligated to lift you up with words of encouragement but I don't have any....I only understand what you're saying. Many days I wake up feeling like the world just passed me by and there is nothing I can do about it. I have been alone most of my life but, I always thought that somebody would come along eventually. There were relationships here and there but they always ended in disaster. The way they ended was my fault but the pain changed me into somebody that doesn't stick out his neck and try anymore. Now I find myself older with no hair and lots of aches and pains! The only intimacy I get is when I go to a strip club or a naked maid. The person that I used to know is gone. When I'm preoccupied with these things, they just add to my sense of inferiority. I feel alone and afraid and my attempts to manage things have repeatedly failed. I often still have the tendency to blame others for my lot in life. I want to say fuck AA and everyone in it! Especially those that have had their dreams come true. Why them and not me! Sorry for not offering any hope...I just wanted to be honest! God bless!

re: Raw - posted by Norma Desmond on 01/22 11:18AM Hey KAH, I feel your pain. It's funny, but if I'm honest with myself, I have to admit that I can feel the same lonliness and low self-esteem whether I'm in a romantic relationship or not. Right now I know a lot of people who are in relationships but want out...and a lot of people who are out of relationships but want in. Over the years, I've discovered my feelings of wellbeing are mostly tied to my alcoholism, not to my circumstances or situation. My feelings go up and down with my spiritual condition. Although being with someone can be a joyous blessing -- if I'm not spiritually fit, the relationship feels like an insufferable burden. Although being single can be a joyous freedom -- if I'm not spiritually fit, it feels like an inconsolable desolation. For me, alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful. It tells me all sorts of lies. They always start like this: "If only...." Peace, Norma

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While we hope that all our guests share their experience as it relates to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, we remind everyone that the contents of these message strings are strictly personal opinions of the authors. When in doubt about the nature of statements made please consult the Big Book and other AA reference materials... our motto: "If its not in the book, it doesn't count." Thank you all for sharing.