The Barflies Message Board

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Ego - posted by jda at 01/20 09:43AM So I was sitting there drinking my coffee this am and was thinking about recent events that transpired. I can recall anger was on my mind. I felt as if I was owed something by my ex. Thinking about lawyers and such. Also, I recently got promoted. I have been doing well at work. Pride was flowing in. Powerful feeling it was. A rush when a new client gets landed. All of this crap gets me drunk. Immediately after such a feeling I want to drink. My dilemma is this. I cant seem to enjoy any success without it going to my head and getting drunk. I can’t seem to contemplate simple tasks such as ensuring I don’t get railroaded without getting drunk. Today I just don’t want to drink. Does this mean I have to give up on my career? How can I do what it is I do without it getting the better of me? Humility is not a part of what I do. It almost feels as though I need the ego to get into the places I go, to clinch the deal, to wine and dine the client. How can I translate this into a humble experience and still get it done? How can I ensure I don’t get taken to the cleaners and remain not angry? Every time I think about standing up to her I want to drink. Must I just let her have her way and leave the rest up to god? Is this the equivalent of having cancer and not seeking a doctor’s treatment? Every time I think about getting some type of legal representation I immediately feel anxious and selfish. UGGGG The good news is that I do have a desire to not drink. I want a useful life. I just can’t seem to be the worker among workers and friend among friends. Always on the top of the mountain or spewing digital spit from the gutter.

re: Ego - posted by Jules on 01/20 10:05AM Ego, Ego, boy can I relate. I am in school struggling day by day. Most of the time, I'm not even sure why I'm there, what I plan to do, if I'm smart enough, etc. These are the thoughts on most days. Then, by some miracle I do well on something difficult. All of a sudden, I'm thinking how I must rock! "Wow, that wasn't bad. I mean, all you have to do is study. I can't believe that girl failed, what a moron." How quickly I forget that apparently God must want me there. God has made possible for me to perform well on something I still don't have a clue about. It's like pulling rabbits out of my ass. Really. I know it's not me, even though I fall into that trap often. The ego is always a stumbling block for me. I get caught up in the "I paid my dues; I did what I was supposed to do." This is the most current one. I have constant fear that I won't be able to go on or won't get to do what I want in the future. The bottom line is that if I'm supposed to get in to post grad programs, God will see fit that I do, not because I want to, but because God wants me there to be of service down the road. Now, whether that's providing for my family, being of service to the public, etc., I have no idea. For now, I'm just walking. I think this applies in the work situation as well. For some reason, the job's still there for you. I have to believe where I am is where God wants me today, for whatever reason. I don't think your situation is like having Cancer and not seeking treatment. I always think about the guy in the ocean waiting for God to save him, all the while telling passing ships that he doesn't need help. God will come. God sent help and the guy couldn't see that. Help is in AA. We get the Grace we need to handle situations. How can I be useful today? Can I return that phone call? Can I just not try to screw someone? These are the questions I ask myself when I'm fucked up. Prayer is where my answer is today. Anger is a nasty place to be and the big book tells me that it will get me drunk. Somehow I set the ball rolling and that's what I have to look at with God's help and hopefully the clarity to see it. Hang in there.

re: Ego - posted by kah on 01/20 10:23AM "Our desires for emotional security and wealth, for personal prestige and power, for romance, and for family satisfactions - all these have to be tempered and redirected. We have learned that the satisfaction of instincts cannot be the sole end and aim of our lives. If we place instincts first, we have got the cart before the horse; we shall be pulled backward into disillusionment......" I really could not find a better way to say it than the way it was written. Several years ago, the closest I have ever come to drinking since I got sober, everything boiled down to my insistence on getting my instincts satisfied at all cost. I was sleeping with someone I had no business being involved with. It was just a sex thing. Friends with benefits, so to speak. Not even an illusion of it being more than that. For me personally, it violated all kinds of moral codes that I have tried to live up to since I have been sober. Casual sex was not something I wanted to participate in and yet I was. Very demoralizing. I was using this man purely to satisy a badly damaged ego. A miserable attempt to heal a badly broken heart. In other words, much like when I was drinking, I had to feel better at all cost. That should be my next tattoo. Feel better at all cost. Tragic way of thinking. After the whole "sleeping with a kid" debacle that damn near drove me to drink and having this big epiphany that my instincts had run their course and I was going to end up drinking, I redoubled my efforts to try to live on a spiritual basis. I slept with him a handful of times after that too. Perseverance is a spiritual principle. I could not give up. From time to time our paths cross. To say I am not tempted would be an out and out lie. It has been hard to not run in that direction when I need to feel better. Have actually entertained the idea this week. I could change the situation around to situations involving my ex-husband, my children, my job/career, my financial stability, my family, etc. Anytime I put satisfying some instinct ahead of AA and what I believe a higher power wants from me, then I have cut off any bit of God's grace that I need to flow to keep me sober. So I am keeping me sober and we all know how well that works out. It is miracle that I have not drank. There is a part in the Chatper "We Agnostics" on the first page. It says something along the lines of "to continue as he is means disaster, especially if he is an alcoholic of the hopeless variety. To be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to face". It has come down to that for me many times: be doomed to a an alcoholic death or live life on a spiritual basis. And just like the book says, that has not alwasy been an easy alternative to face. I also have not been able to do it on my own. I need to stress, I do not think that God wants you or me or any of us to give up jobs, family, relationships, etc. I beleive he wants me to put him and AA first and allow him to work out all these things in my life. To do so means that I am trusting he will meet my needs. I don't have to do it. God will. I just have to open the door ever so slighly. Peace to you my friend.

re: Ego - posted by wade l on 01/20 11:14AM Think on the great people of history, people who are known for the great humility that the displayed. Gandhi, Mother Theresa or even our own Dr. Bob. These people can be called many things. What does not describe them are terms like weak, servile, scraping or a push over. A life of humility doesn't mean getting walked all over, it is a life of courage and strength. We are able to tap a source of power that was out of reach for us. There is a difference between being humiliated and living a life of humility. One feels degrading the other feels free. So what is it that differentiates humiliation and humility. That my friend is the DESIRE to seek and do Gods will, this is the basic ingredient of all humility. When I approach life with the attitude of self reliance then the world really dominates me, I don't have the power to control others. They do what they want and not what I want. I then get scared and angry and things just then begin to snowball. I begin the think that if only I had protected my self better this wouldn't have happened and I again try to redouble my efforts so that people won't get over on me. What I had been missing was humility. When I have humility then I realize that a life that God directs will turn out far better than anything that I can scrape together. I began to realize that God's will is going to be done. I am not more powerful than God and if He wants something to happen it will, and if He doesn't want something to happen it won't. The key was to attempt to bring my will in agreement with his. How do I attain this humility and dependence on God? By working the steps. Freedom is available to us, all we have to do is pick up the kit of spiritual tools and use them. When I am able to live a life of humility I can be called many things, but weak, servile or a door mat are not among them. Peace, Wade Attached is something my sponsor once gave me File Attachment: AA and the Higher Power.doc

re: Ego - posted by Norma Desmond on 01/20 05:39PM Hey JDA, I was going through a divorce when I got sober. No competent divorce lawyer in town would touch me because my soon-to-be ex-husband had hired the the biggest-name criminal lawyer in Baton Rouge. I won't mention the lawyer's name, but several years ago he won the case where the Japanese exchange student was shot to death for going to the wrong address by mistake. The ex's lawyer got the shooter off. At the time of our divorce, I was a housewife and my ex-husband was making the equivalent of $200,000 per year in today's dollars. Now it's much more. I got nothing out of the 21-year marriage. No stake in the house, no alimony. I could have gone to court and demanded my rights. But I had a deep knowing that I would get drunk in the long, drawn-out battle. Insead, I decided to let God give me what He wanted me to have out of that marriage. God worked through my ex-husband to provide me with tuition and minimal living expenses for two years, so I could finish my degree at LSU and modestly support myself up to today. Thank God I chose sobriety instead of my rights. Soon, I will have been sober for 18 years. It's not been easy or comfortable, but when I remember that I'm living on borrowed time, everything gets better. When I forget and demand my rights, everything gets worse. Glad you're on the mend, Norma

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While we hope that all our guests share their experience as it relates to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, we remind everyone that the contents of these message strings are strictly personal opinions of the authors. When in doubt about the nature of statements made please consult the Big Book and other AA reference materials... our motto: "If its not in the book, it doesn't count." Thank you all for sharing.