The Barflies Message Board

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Digital Spit - posted by jda at 01/18 09:31AM Caught in the prison of my own mind, full of self-pity, wanting the world to fall away from me. A room with no doors and no escape but through the bottle and oblivion. God may be able to save me but I am way too self absorbed for this. I have lost. Game fucking over. No work for me today. Called in because I am “sick”. Fucking understatement of the decade. Disconnected and no way out. My self-pity is killing me and I can’t stop it. To hear others miracles only makes me writhe with jealousy and resentment. I hate it. “In this desert that I call my soul, I always play the starring role…so lonely” (The police) This is appropriate for me. What a lyric. My kids, you would think, would give me what I need to survive and snap the fuck out of it. Why isn’t it working!!! I want to get sober but here I am all lit up again. I want to die but don’t have the balls to do it. Fuck. What a waste of oxygen I have become. My anger consumes me. She has won and I have lost. Bla, bla, bla. Where is my pacifier… The question is this. How to pull out of it before there is nothing to pull out of. How to ask for gods help while being so consumed by me.

re: Digital Spit - posted by Jules on 01/18 09:42AM The willingness to talk about it and ask for help is a huge step towards something good. That's what I've been told in my limited experience. I keep thinking of the part somewhere in the literature where it states that God doesn't make too difficult of terms for those that honestly seek Him. "She's such a lovely girl. You'd think he'd stop drinking for her." I believe this statement would apply with children as well. Alcoholism is a beast I've yet to conquer on my own. I wanted to die too. I truly believe there is some purpose for me today that I didn't know existed then. There is hope. I woke up this morning with a cluster fuck in my head. I prayed to slow down and for God to give me the willingness just to make it to the noon meeting. So far, I think I'll go, but I'm still praying because I'm wrapped up in self and don't want to.

re: Digital Spit - posted by jslaneaux on 01/18 02:48PM I remember a time about 4 years ago when all i wanted was to never wake up. I would wake up everyday and be disgusted with myself and my life. I thought no one cared about me. I felt so alone and I would drink and drink and drink for comfort and companionship. I was angry at others who were living life happy and seem to be "ok" with everything. I hated my friends that didn't drink and i really hated people that I would drink with that didn't feel the way I did. Those people that would drink a couple drinks with me and then go home because they had work or some other engagement. Those were the same people that went to church on Sundays and ENJOYED going! I mean WTF is that about?? i just couldn't wrap my head around why people wanted to go sit in church and participate in the ritualistic bullshit that made my skin crawl. Did these people not realize that God was just an idea that weak people looked for because they were so scared to face life?!? What was wrong with EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD!?!?!? These feelings of hatred, anger and self pity damn near put me in the ground.... for ever. I wanted to look at everyone else but me and if i did look at myself it was only to talk about "what a waste of oxygen i had become." I was so scared that the world around me would never get better and that I would go on to live this bitter fucking life, hating everything and everyone forever. I mean i grew up watching this with my father, so why would it be different for me?? (that's a whole other thread though) Well something finally happened for me to realize that maybe if i were to stop drinking then maybe i could figure out how to create a better life for myself. So that was the new plan.... stop drinking and make better decisions. What a great idea! I mean i had been spending so much time and money on drinking that if i just stopped i would have more money to pay the bills and have time to make my life better and even though everything was still going to suck, I would at least be more "ok" with myself and life. I couldnt stop. I tried to. I really tried to stop. I would try with all my might but something was happening inside of me that prevented me stopping. I would think about not drinking all day and i was terrified to see how the most trivial occurrences would throw me off the wagon again. I was absolutely terrified when I could.... not.... stop!!!! That terror made me reach out for help and I prayed without even realizing it. I mumbled through tears, "Please help me! I don't know what to do!" And strange things happened and I fell into AA. I was hopeless and desperate and people told me i didnt have to drink again and if i really what to my life was going to be different. maybe not always better but different. I said a simple prayer and it cracked open a door to a power greater than me that I now know exists. But i had to get to the point that i had no other solution. I am different now. Because of God and AA. I am currently feeling the effects of what suicide can cause because a guy I tried to help killed himself a few days ago and it brought back all those memories of me feeling like i was a waste of oxygen and how i know that i'm not now. Not all of us find sobriety but I always pray for the suffering alcoholic because I know what hell is and I feel lucky to have been pulled out of it.

re: Digital Spit - posted by gilly on 01/18 08:04PM Just to preface there are still times that I think that the world is better off without me. I'm selfish, and delusional and when I don't get my way-I can be a crybaby. Most of my life, I have acted on impulse with no concern for consequences...so I can definitely understand the hopelessness of realizing what my actions have begotten me. Over and over, I promise the HP that I'll straighten up and fly right, but find myself acting like a fool because my goal in life is to satisfy my instincts. The only relief I get is when I try to be honest and share my defects with my fellows. Suddenly, I am not alone anymore and the defects don't rule my life. I see the world as it really is...not like I imagine it. I get peace! Hope to see you soon!

re: Digital Spit - posted by Trail of Tears on 01/19 09:44AM I wanted to die the last days I was drinking, but I was too ashamed at the mess I would leave behind. So, false pride and shame pushed me forward. When I walked into AA, it wasn't because I suddenly got hit with a bolt of sobriety or grace. I just wanted to live a little more than I wanted to die. My life was nothing but shit, and I was terrified about my future. I walked in to AA feeling no hope, no faith, and certainly I felt no grace. All I had was a desperation to not be an embarrassing burden on my family, friends and co-workers. But I heard something in AA that caught my attention, and that was that if I was willing to let go of my old ideas and old ways that I could and would change. The catch was that I would probably have to suffer. But I was suffering anyway, so I thought WTF, I'm in. There was this blessing in that the obsession for alcohol was lifted, but that didn't take away my fears of living a vodka-free life. I struggled a lot and didn't know what was what most days. But people told me if I didn't take a drink, things would get better, and I clung onto their experience and hope until I had some of my own. Looking back, I know it was all God's grace and a miracle, but at the time, I did not feel the grace. It was months before I felt the grace that everybody's talking about. Some people seem to get it as soon as they walk through the doors, but that's not the way it was for me. I had to walk through some things sober before it came. It was only after I had been sober for a little while and had walked through some icky, scary situations...after whatever situation was bothering me would settle down, I would realize that I hadn't taken a drink --- sometimes hadn't even thought about it --- and I would realize that it was a miracle. That's when I felt grace. If I waited for grace to get sober, I'm afraid I'd be dead or a permanent resident of a state hospital. I'm just saying...don't wait for grace, JDA, walk toward it... Peace.

re: Digital Spit - posted by Norma Desmond on 01/19 10:37AM Hey JDA, I lost everything -- husband, children, house, income, status, California -- before I became willing to let everything go. That's hitting bottom: Finding the willingness to LET EVERYTHING GO, and trust God to pick up the pieces -- as He sees fit. With everything gone, I had nothing but AA, so I grabbed ahold with wild abandon. And I willingly suffered incredible pain in the process. That's when the grace came. Not before. Like Trail of Tears said, "...don't wait for grace, JDA, walk toward it." Love, Norma

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While we hope that all our guests share their experience as it relates to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, we remind everyone that the contents of these message strings are strictly personal opinions of the authors. When in doubt about the nature of statements made please consult the Big Book and other AA reference materials... our motto: "If its not in the book, it doesn't count." Thank you all for sharing.