The Barflies Message Board

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conundrum - posted by Norma Desmond at 01/14 10:16AM Hi Guys, Here's the background: Recently, the boss who hired me was demoted and removed from my section. This is a good thing, because he's an infuriating, needy, demanding knucklehead. I was the only one in our section who had anything to do with him, because -- hello -- he was my boss, and I try to repect the office, even if I do not respect the person who is occupying it. I am not by nature a patient and tolerant person, and I do not suffer fools gladly. However, I have learned the hard way that I must work the steps and practice principles with those I can't stand. As a result, people who don't know me well, but whom I am forced by circumstances to interact with, think I am a kind and considerate person and imagine that I like them. On the contrary, God has not yet seen fit to make me into a gentle soul, but He has made it very clear how I should treat others. Here's the problem: I don't ever have to deal with this buffoon again, but he won't let go. Last night at 10:30 p.m. he e-mailed me and whined because our paths didn't cross yesterday. As soon as I got to work this morning, he called. I didn't answer the phone, so he e-mailed. Of course I will continue to practice principles when our paths cross, but this is not someone whom I would ever seek out. It's not like he wants my experience, strength and hope on anything. He just still wants his blankie. Ick. Here's the question: Any ideas on how I should respond to his clinging overdependence? Thanks, Norma

re: conundrum - posted by Jules on 01/14 10:35AM I have often been presented with opportunities involving people that aren't drunks. A friend of mine usually reminds me that if I can help/listen/be of service, then do it. It also boils down to whether or not I'm willing to suffer consequences for not being willing. These are usually tough situations for me, being a selfish individual. I forget that sometimes I feel wronged and could use some comfort. People I know have been there to listen no matter how much they might not have wanted to. On the flip side, you could just practice avoidance and hope that they eventually get the message. I tend to practice a mixture of both of the above. I just pray that I can be more willing. I ask myself, "self, what's the harm in listening if it doesn't interfere with other responsibilities or obligations?" What happens in the end is that I discover more in depth just who and what I really am, which on a good day means I don't want to be bothered unless it benefits myself. If only I could be rid of that "self." Good luck

re: conundrum - posted by kah on 01/14 11:07AM There are days I truly wish there was an exception to the whole "practicing principles in all of our affairs" thing. Fortunately, I have not yet found a way to absolve myself from at least attempting to practice principles, even as minimal as basic common courtesy. I truly believe that is what the higher power wants me to do, to try. I say fortunately, because of that part in the first step "when these last gaspers grabbed hold of aa principles with the fervor the drowing seize life preservers they almost invariably got well". I want to get well. I do not want to be plagued by inner turmoil due to personalties that are not compatable with mine. Not to mention the personality problem may very well be mine, not theirs. Maybe. I have several people in my life right now that given my way, I would rip to shreds. Yet the bottom line at the end of the day is I do want to get well and I don't want to drink. I work with a very similar personality as Norma described. She has an inate ability to stand in front of my desk, while I am obviously busy, and just chit chat about crap I could care less about. She is a good person and means no harm. She is like a lost puppy, just wanting some attention. Much like myself on any given day. Who am I to think I am so much better, busier, etc. that I cannot offer her just basic common courtesy? When I do, she has her moment and goes away. When I don't, I come across as rude, intolerant, angry, egotistical and think about it for hours. I just don't want to live like that anymore. I had a conversation with a friend recently about extending mercy to others as opposed to justice. I have been trying to do that since, just offer mercy to those who bother me instead of justice. The same mercy a higher power so graciously gave me. I dont know how successful I have been, but I have certainly been praying about it and trying to practice it as well. Peace to you Norma.

re: conundrum - posted by gilly on 01/14 09:16PM hehe, I love the work threads because those are the people I am around the most. My office has many extremes also. Ass kissers, people that latch on to others, posers, power drivers, gossips.....and on any given day I could mimic any of the above character traits. I work with a guy who is always talking about things that don't interest me. Most days I stare at my computer while he talks and try to give the impression that I'm super busy so that he will stop. I'm can be such an asshole. After, like kah, it makes me feel like crap. It doesn't take much effort to listen to what he has to say and my life suddenly gets bigger! I don't feel as isolated. Most times I act like an entitled, self-centered ass. It is a painful way to live but that pain does cause me to at least be willing to try something else. Point being that i will screw up but if I stay sober & willing then the HP will take me to better things. I don't know what to say about dependence because i still struggle with it. It stinks-I still put my dependence on people, money or myself instead of a HP. When I do sooner or later I end up alone and broke! -c u later

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While we hope that all our guests share their experience as it relates to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, we remind everyone that the contents of these message strings are strictly personal opinions of the authors. When in doubt about the nature of statements made please consult the Big Book and other AA reference materials... our motto: "If its not in the book, it doesn't count." Thank you all for sharing.