The Barflies Message Board

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People you don't like - posted by Potus at 01/08 03:55PM Would really like to hear some experience on practicing principles with someone you can't stand. I have certainly had to deal with people that I did not necessarily care for and with the grace of God somehow managed. This person and my dislike of them is way beyond that. I don't remember ever disliking someone as much as I dislike this person. The person is truly a fraudulent piece of..... and I would love to expose them to the world. I have not, but it would not take much. As much as I try, I just seem to fail in being able to view this person as a child of God. I would really like to know what God sees in them. Experience?

re: People you dont like - posted by Norma Desmond on 01/08 04:50PM Hey Potus, Practicing principals with someone I can't stand will only carry me so far...it's really just a stopgap measure until I can inventory the resentment and get down to the causes and conditions. I recently did exactly that and found out that the stuff I hated about this person is the same stuff I used to be able to get away with myself...but can't pull off anymore. However, what really set me free was this: I discovered that I used to possess some of this person's admirable traits, too, but didn't anymore. I had turned my back on those good qualities because I was using them in order to get away with the bad stuff. (Just like this person is.) That clarity allowed me to see this person in a new light...with compassion for their bad stuff cuz I had been there...and able to find true joy in their good qualities, because I had been there, too. Maybe one day I'll be able to recover those good qualities for myself, but in the meantime, the resentment is gone and I wish this person the best. Amazing, but true. AA works. Peace out, Norma

re: People you dont like - posted by Jules on 01/08 11:46PM I have had this experience with someone not in AA and it's painful. I was full of piss and vinegar. I picked apart everything they did and deep down, think I thought I was better than them. Every bad decision I thought they made, I would think about how to have handled it better. Everything in my situation boiled down to me thinking I was somehow better. I wanted glory for things that they seemed to get it for. In the end, I ended up in the pain. I didn't want to feel what I did and genuinely wanted to be happy and wish good things for them. It took a while, and a while, and more "whiles". I'm still struggling with this at times. I have some of the clarity Norma Desmond spoke of, but still feel there's more to be had. This one has been with me for a couple of years now. I have no idea when it will fully go away or when I will always be happy for them. I have talked behind their back with "concern" and then gone through more pain. I have taken joy in the fact that they have actually been "exposed" to some extent. This still brought me no true joy. The neat thing that started happening recently: They have been going through some really tough times and I haven't thought they deserved it. I have tried to think of ways to help or be useful too. I have found out that I do have this compassion people talk about. I feel it with this person. I can honestly say that I am hurting for them today. I'm sure there are twisted motives in there, but it's a start. I have hope that the HP is doing miracles within me and will do that for others. The truth is that I wouldn't trade my life for theirs any day of the week, no matter how good they seem to have it at times. Not their problems or even their successes. It sounds like you might be in some "great pain" about this. I think about my sponsor reminding me about cool shit happening after this:)

re: People you don't like - posted by PM on 01/09 12:42AM There's this guy in AA that always has this huge smile on his face. He's forcefully happy and I just know it's a lie. He can't be that happy - nobody is that happy. It isn't real. And in the same vein I don't have any inclination to put on a happy face for someone who is inwardly ugly, mean spirited, painfully selfish, wholly dispassionate or for whatever reason deliberately out to do me harm. Moreover I steer clear of harm's way as best I can and I rely on my instincts and God's inspiration to help me deal effectively with these unruly sorts without compromising my beliefs out of fear. AA encourages me to have compassion for the people who have wronged me and like others have mentioned I too can earnestly care for them. I can understand that their instincts are no different than mine even though they are more glaring. I can sympathize with their fears and I can foresee where their behavior will cause them endless pain far beyond anything I could ever inflict on them - or would ever want to. But I don't think that's your question. I think you're asking what demeanor should you present, what tricks do people play to stop their reflexes from slapping the bastard silly or screaming like a raving lunatic at the dullard! I deal with an unlovely and even unstable person on a continuing basis. Whenever possible, my approach is to listen carefully, stay quiet until it is finished and then put off answering until such time as I can go back and think calmly about the situation and compose the proper response - hopefully a loving response that considers the AA principles of helpful service and ignores the personality that incites vengeance within me. My favorite response to a request I'm uncomfortable about is 'let me think about that and I'll get back to you.' Call me an idiot, but when I contemplate the principles I see them as a covenant between me and God - not me and the people I'm dealing with. So they have to be practiced evenly whether or not I admire the person involved. So to answer the question, you practice the principles the same. It's ok to be cautious, to step away from the fight, to avoid argument or retaliation, to trust your instincts. But AA tells us we can't have anger - we can't hate these people or we're practicing power over alcohol and we'll lose. And that loss would quickly dwarf anything an irritating fool could have done to us. Much pain.

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While we hope that all our guests share their experience as it relates to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, we remind everyone that the contents of these message strings are strictly personal opinions of the authors. When in doubt about the nature of statements made please consult the Big Book and other AA reference materials... our motto: "If its not in the book, it doesn't count." Thank you all for sharing.