The Barflies Message Board

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isolated - posted by jules at 12/31 09:58AM I'll just give a quick background to my problem: husband and I are in foreign country. There is a language barrier for the most part. I was at the beach yesterday, feeling ever so parched and tired of drinking water (because everything's expensive) and decided to get a virgin fruity drink. (you can probably see where this is going) I was at the pool bar and ordered. There was a gentleman next to me from Mexico City that spoke perfect English. When I ordered my drink, they questioned me and the gentleman was helping me out with the "no alcohol" problem. I even asked him, "they're not going to put alcohol right? I don't drink." He said , "they know not to." I continued talking to him because he was interesting and I was too distracted and didn't think to watch them closely making my drink. I got it and said thank you. I took a big sip and looked up and said, "are you sure there's no alcohol? This tastes funny." They looked at me like I was stupid and I said, "maybe it's just been a while." I was honestly thinking that it had been so long, that a virgin pina colada tasted like this. I took another sip. With more conviction this time, I said, "this isn't what I asked for." The "kind" gentleman again helped me convey this. This was about the time Mike came up from the pool to see me. I felt I had more support this time. I felt stupid. I felt like a bitch for asking for drink the way I wanted it. Why couldn't I say that I was pregnant or something? They would understand why the no alcohol. The answer to that: I was worried they would see me chain smoking by the pool later and judge me. This just gets more and more twisted. I told husband about the whole ordeal and kept telling him, "i really didn't know. I thought I was crazy at first." Can I tell you how it felt going down? It burned in the good way and I was flooded with fear about drinking. I kept praying, "I don't want to go back to that, God. Please don't let me drink!" I haven't been able to call anyone about it for financial reasons and cell phone charges. I got the internet this morning for 24hrs and it's 20bucks. This was the first place I went, to barflies. I have prayed and prayed. I've talked about it to someone, though not a drunk. It was the best I had at the time. I keep thinking that someone will say, "suuuuuure you didn't know." I honestly don't care. I know what happened and I'm desperate to not drink. I'm still confused about the big lesson I'm supposed to learn from this. I don't really have any clarity yet. I can't wait to come home tomorrow night. I can't wait to run to a meeting Saturday. I will pray in the meantime, a lot. I do have that wonderful literature people talk about with me as well. I can read today.

re: isolated - posted by radja on 12/31 10:17AM Jules, I cant wait tell you get home. From your post, it sounds as though drinking, and then drinking some more and then drinking till your good and tight isn’t the path your meant to follow. We all know the four horseman and they want is nothing short than than to evoke fear and despair. I hope I don’t sound too nerdy but to lose you would be a great loss to our fellowship. Much Love…and then some more….Angie

re: isolated - posted by jda on 12/31 10:20AM Hope you make it back safe. No rocket rides for you.

re: isolated - posted by jules on 12/31 10:25AM thanks guys. I keep thinking I should reiterate that it was an accident. Why do I feel this way???

re: isolated - posted by gilly on 12/31 10:39AM I have been on trips in foreign countries solo. The language barrier usually sucks. At a meeting in Mexico no one spoke English and I can't speak Spanish but we had a connection- it was the common problem and solution. At the time I was really fucked up and lonely...so it helped me tremendously. You may want to ask someone at the resort about AA- they are there to help out the tourists. It's scary to accidentally drink alcohol...I need to be careful because my body doesn't know the circumstances of why or how I drank. When it's happened, I stayed close to AA in any way possible. So, I am glad you reached out online. Prayer may also help you calm down. One thing is for sure, it has happened to me and I was able to get through it - so you can too!

re: isolated - posted by klewis on 12/31 01:09PM I have worked at the same company for about 6 years now. It is a small place, only about 20 people and at the time we had 4 people in our department. Over the years they have stopped asking if I want to go with them to a local restaurant on a Friday evening, where they are probably ordering A drink or A glass of wine (just one folks). Once in a while, just to be nice they ask if I would like to join them. At this point they know I don't drink, but figure they should probably ask once in a while to be polite and I know they wouldn't feel uncomfortable when I order a non-alcohol drink. Shoot, I could get coffee. So about 3 years ago I took them up on their offer since my boss ordered us to cut out early and they were all going. I didn't want a drink and if I did I wouldn't desire to take my first with them. We proceed to the restaurant where my co-worker orders a bloody mary. I said, "Oh, that does sound good. Can I have a virgin?” No problem. I did hesitate when we got them, because I thought, "What happens if they switched them?" I thought I was being overly paranoid, but after one sip I piped up and asked my coworker if she thought her drink had alcohol and she said yes she thought so. So I took another sip and said, "Are you sure?" I was now convinced that mine DID have alcohol and it was kind of hard to tell with a spicy drink. Well all three of my coworkers did some taste testing and determined that I in fact got the wrong drink! I took two full sips!! In my mind I was freaking, but I was trying to play it cool in front of my coworkers since they don't know I am in AA (one knows now). I probably should have been more careful especially since my coworker ordered one too. It had been YEARS since I have gone to any club, bar, or restaurant where the only thing being ordered were drinks. In my early days if I found myself in heavy drinking event I would even have someone check my sodas, but I didn't have anyone check. I just assumed the coast was clear. Maybe I shouldn't have ordered one when my coworker got a regular one, I don't know. Maybe I wasn't spiritually fit to be there? I had recently had a few surgeries, which was another reason I accepted the invitation. They were so good to me when I had to miss about 6 weeks of work unexpectedly. I do know this: to my core I wasn't trying to deceive myself, I really didn't want to drink. I think my Higher Power is bigger than my alcoholism and He showed up. I called a fellow drunk (ok a few) as soon as I got to my car, shared the story, and I prayed & prayed. I went to a meeting the next day, one that I don't attend frequently, and unfortunately some dumb ass oldtimer berated me for going to a bar with my co-workers, it was a restaurant by the way, and thought it was dumb that I would drink spicy tomato juice. His words, “Who drinks spicy tomato juice?” Shit, I have tomato juice in my house as we speak and sometimes it’s spicy. Even then, I knew the truth: it was an accident and I recoiled from the alcohol like a hot flame like our literature suggests. I didn't want it. God showed up. Was I scared my body and mind enjoyed it and wanted more? Hell yes. Did I have some crazy thinking? Yes I had some typical alcoholic thoughts, but I got through it. In a way, I was amazed and even more convicted that AA really works. I really hope you find some peace and get to enjoy the rest of your visit. Keri

re: isolated - posted by jules on 12/31 03:57PM thanks keri:) It feels good to talk about it, even though I feel like a dumb ass. "uh, liquor? I don't know, maybe another sip....." One thing I do know, the HP definitely showed up! I was chatting on FB with someone earlier today in the program and they asked if the allergy kicked in. It was interesting because I don't think it did, but everything running through my head at the time had me so fucked up that I can't tell now. I was thinking about a phrase that jda said once about coming back on the fumes of Grace, or something like that. I thought of it today and just can't wait to come home! We've had a great time, but I need a meeting in english and a hug from my kid. If not for the HP, I'd probably be a prostitute by now with "no love" in my life and definitely no sunshine. For those of you that will be there Saturday, see you then!

re: isolated - posted by kah on 12/31 04:45PM Hang in there Jules. It happened to me a few years ago at a Mardi Gras Ball. In fact, you were there. Picked up the wrong drink. Soon as I swallowed, I felt the burn and truly thought I was going to self combust on the spot. My boyfriend at the time told me later that the look of horror on my face was something he would not forget. I remember getting really, really scared and upset. Within a little while, we left. I spent a sleepless night with one random thought running threw my mind "i did not smell the alcohol". Just stunned that I did not smell it first. And I prayed. Alot. I kept remembering this old timer who had passed away and whenever this topic would come up in a meeting, he would say to just remember your body does not know it is an accident. Thank God, I remembered him saying that. I sat in a bunch of meetings the next few days and prayed alot. I reached out to people I barely even knew. I was just scared to death. I also remember being very emotional, easily irritated, restless (more so than usual). That same old timer used to talk about perserverance being a spiritual principle too. I perservered, God did his part, and it all passed without me drinking or even feeling a desire to do so. Will keep you in my prayers and see you Saturday night. God is bigger than this. Dont forget that. K

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While we hope that all our guests share their experience as it relates to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, we remind everyone that the contents of these message strings are strictly personal opinions of the authors. When in doubt about the nature of statements made please consult the Big Book and other AA reference materials... our motto: "If its not in the book, it doesn't count." Thank you all for sharing.