The Barflies Message Board

Welcome to the Barflies Group Message Board. We encourage all alcoholics to share their experience, strength and hope in a way that is conducive to AA’s primary purpose, which is to stay sober and help other alcoholics achieve sobriety.

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bombarded - posted by jules at 12/21 09:04AM Last night I tossed and turned trying to sleep. I kept getting bombarded by images of the past. These weren't the warm and fuzzy ones of hugs and good times. They were the humiliating kind complete with stupid things I said and did when drinking. Oh the humiliation! I found myself cringing while lying there, as if someone were saying these things out loud or it was all on tv for viewing. I wonder why these things come up at all? Lately, when seeing things posted on Facebook by previous friends or significant others, I am reminded of my time with them. Sometimes I'm nostalgic and others can lead to this morbid reflection I seem to be afflicted with lately. I prayed last night for God to give me clarity and to put people in my path I can be of service to. I really hope that will help; it usually does. I feel like I just needed to get that out. I know I've changed so much when compared to my drinking, but to what extent? I'm still capable and still think of some of the deviant things I did and thought. It's a soul sickness. I just need to be healed and don't know anywhere else that I can say that besides the good rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I guess I could in a Church, but who will really "get" me as a fellow drunk will?

re: bombarded - posted by Ashley on 12/21 09:58AM I too prayed last night for the HP to bring me people, especially drunks, to help and serve. I feel myself slipping into isolation which is ultimately "self" I find myself thinking I'm fine so I skip a meeting(s), stop visiting my friends, the phone stops ringing, and before it's all over, I'm full of fear and very intimidated to even reach out and begin again. I want to stay sober and I want to be worthy of grace! I may never be "worthy" but last night and today, I find myself wanting to grow towards somthing beautiful...God and sobriety! I want to have dignity and self-esteem, I want my fears to fall from me, and i truely know in my heart that for me, I will only achieve those things through staying sober and giving of myself entirely. I hope that I can receive the gift of long term sobriety and I pray that I remain willing. I prayed with a desperation last night to be willing to walk as He would have me and most importantly, to stay sober. I need drunks in my life and I need to help people as much as I possibly can. I too have a perverse soul sickness that runs deep. It hasn't gone away yet, but I can now see and feel it. I think the miracle for me today is that I am sober today and I don't want to live like that anymore. Even if it us just for today. My prayers are for the long haul but today is all I really have. Call me Jules! I need people too!

re: bombarded - posted by jules on 12/21 10:39AM who's up for 8pm at the club?

re: bombarded - posted by gilly on 12/21 11:03AM Thanks for the post! Alcoholism works in ways that we are the most vulnerable. Lately, I have been thinking about how I fall short in all my relationships. My tendency is to get full of self-pity and just retreat further into isolation. Sometimes I even blame everyone else and plan to retaliate. That's drinking time. My mind can also go in some strange places. I think about robbing banks to have lots of cash, having orgies with strippers to satisfy my sex instincts, and fighting with coworkers to get a leg up. I thank the HP for giving me a reprieve from my thoughts. I don’t have to do everything I think. However, there is always hope if I stay sober. The steps were designed for fuck-ups like me.

re: bombarded - posted by jda on 12/21 11:59AM Face book destroys me sometimes. I swear there are times it becomes a soul sickness to look at other peoples outsides and compare them to my insides. They will always be better than me, happier than me, do more exciting things than me, etc…FB is a place where others only let you see what they want you to see. It is like a walking advertisement for how wonderful people are or a competition on witty or cleverness. My insides tell me I am none of these things and I am never able to compete or measure up. It was like this when I was drinking. On to the rest of your post. Like a good buddy of mine said, my darker side is not eliminated in me but set to one side and a new way of thinking takes its place. The older stuff is still there and I can absolutely awaken it and have it be front and center in my mind if I let it. Its almost like scratching a mosquito bite. You know if you keep scratching it is gonna get infected and bleed yet to scratch feeeels sooooo gooood. God has been the only way out of this for me. I truly believe I have had power not of my own making lately. There are certain things such as spending too much money, saying things to others to be hurtful (the ex), etc... that I have not had to do over the last week (notice I only said a week…progress not perfection). Helping drunks, going to meetings, keeping in touch with my friends from AA, meditation, all of these things are necessary for me to maintain some sort of sanity with alcohol and defense against my defects.

re: bombarded - posted by Trail of Tears on 12/21 03:24PM I don't have to look at Facebook to feel like everybody else is doing better, feeling better with better skin and hair...I have gotten resentful and envious and felt less than just catching a glimpse of some chick getting out of a car in the Calandro's parking lot as I drove down Government Street. I think about how my insides felt when I was drinking and always striving, striving to look like I was doing okay. And that was how I felt --- that I had to twist and turn and strive constantly just to look OK, not great or wonderful, but just like I wasn't sucking hind tit in every area of my life. It would build up and build up and the only thing that gave me any relief was booze, and then I would wake up with such horrible self-loathing that I had failed yet again and I would know beyond a shadow of a doubt what a crappy, dirty, halfbreed piece of skanky poor white trash I was on the inside, and the cycle would start all over again as I would try to look different than I felt. I still measure my insides by other people's outsides...there are still days where it doesn't matter that i've stayed sober longer than I could have ever possibly dreamed...it doesn't matter that my life is full of blessings...someone else has got it better figured out than I do. The cool thing is that somewhere along the way the striving got taken out of me. I still want things and spend too much and think about material things way mroe than i should, but there's no room for the striving...i just am what i am...not so dirty, not so trashy, not so shallow...still dirty, trashy and shallow, just not so much...

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While we hope that all our guests share their experience as it relates to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, we remind everyone that the contents of these message strings are strictly personal opinions of the authors. When in doubt about the nature of statements made please consult the Big Book and other AA reference materials... our motto: "If its not in the book, it doesn't count." Thank you all for sharing.