The Barflies Message Board

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Defeat - posted by Pile of Coathangers at 12/16 10:17AM I've been sitting at work this morning wringing (sp?) my hands over things not working out and shitty situations. Right about now I feel like crawling in a log and saying fuck it! And yes, I'm on the pity pot today. I've heard it said in meetings about being sold a bill of goods and that’s what it feels like. It feels like the gopher game. You know, where you have about ten or so holes the gopher sticks its head out of and you've got to hit it over the head with a bat doing it successfully to win. Well, it seems I've lost on the millionth try. Right now I can't see to many positives regarding any part of my life. Hell, I don't want to drink, but fuck, can't I get a fucking break? Just feel like an inept and incompetent asshole! Whine, bitch and moan!

re: Defeat - posted by jules on 12/16 01:38PM Hang in there man. Tomorrow you could be more aligned with the HP's will and a little more spiritually fit. Then all this might seem different. That's usually the way it happens for me. God will work wonderful miracles within you. Can't wait to see! At least you're willing to talk about it. Now go get someone you hate a cup of coffee or water with no ice:)

re: Defeat - posted by PM on 12/16 02:01PM As a father I don't always give my children what they want, but what's best for them instead. Maybe that's what He's doing with you!

re: Defeat - posted by jslaneaux on 12/16 05:40PM You know I have alot of days like that. Monday I was really screwed up. Yesterday not quite as bad. Today I'm doing remarkably well for not having a damn thing go my way in business. I'm sitting here waiting on 2 clients to call me and, on Monday, this would have felt like doom. I would have been freaking out with self-pity and self manifested fear but I'm not today. I feel different today. I'm not consumed with myself right now. Some days are better than others for me and I have no idea why. Is it alcoholism? Am i chemically imbalanced? Am i not right spiritually? Did I fail to do something I should have? Do I need a new sponser? Do I not understand God? Will I always feel this way? Am I ever going to have a steady career? Am I about to drink? These are questions I ask myself when I'm feeling like shit. I asked these questions on Monday and today I'm not... .What changed? I don't know with certainty the exact answer. I'd like to think that the meetings, step work, service and listening to the experience of others helped. I'd like to think its because I've surrendered my fears and God has taken them today. I'd like to think that prayer and meditation helped. Maybe all of it helped. I don't know what it is for sure. The one thing I know is that I did all the things AA has recommended today and I seem to be more stable. My situation has not improved but my perception has and I'm okay with that. Of course all of this would be annoying if I were all screwed up right now. Hang in there and help another drunk.... it'll be over soon

re: Defeat - posted by Norma Desmond on 12/17 10:18AM My first sponsor used to say that when she was still drinking and would get frustrated with her life situation, she would always get drunk just before things worked out. Then it was too late and everything went to crap. The way I tend to give up in sobriety is by letting my frustrations get the best of me and lashing out at others. Then everything goes to crap as well, but lucky for me I get to work the steps and see how my selfishness caused my original frustrations! Even better if I can practice self-restraint when frustrated and trust that God is working something out in me and that this too shall pass. The real bonus of reaching for humility instead of being beaten into it is that I don't have a mess to clean up afterward! Just trying to keep my mouth shut today, Norma

re: Defeat - posted by kah on 12/17 10:46AM I seem to be having Pile of Coathangers day every other day right now and it has been more emotionally painful than anything I have been hit with in a long while. When I read the post yesterday, things were a bit more settled on the inside and while I could certainly empathize, I was not suffering. Thank God for the off cycle days. Today, I could change Pile's name and everything he said is exactly the way it feels today. Not necessarily the way it really is, but damn sure the way it feels. Have not felt this alone in a long time. And not just in a man way, just alone period. I know that is not true either, but again - my perception gets so crazy distorted. The hope for me today came is jslaneaux's response. I so needed to hear that. To keep doing the best I can to do what I beleive the Higher Power wants me to do and wait it out. I dont have any big answers to the questions today either and all of them are screaming in my head to be answered. Like if I could just understand why, then everything would be ok. That delusion has failed me over and over again. So for today, I will try to pray a bit more, try to be a bit kinder, a bit more useful and perhaps not so self absorbed, maybe do something cool for my kids and just try to walk quietly through the rest of the day, trusting that the Higher Power knows what is best for me and for each of us. There is a part from Dr. Bob's story where he states that he believed if he kept doing what he had been doing and believing what he had been believing, he would never have to take a drink again. I'm gonna stand on that today.

re: Defeat - posted by Trail of Tears on 12/17 08:42PM Today I called three people in AA to let them know that I am quitting. First it was just my home group, then I worked up to quitting AA altogether. I think it's a lie, but I don't know for sure. I totally relate to feeling like you've gotten sold a bill of goods, Pile. I think I tried various versions of "AA is bullshit, and it's making me sicker." While i was ranting to the first person I called, I was driving and an SUV drove past me with one of those stupid "Faith" bumper stickers on it. Honestly, I shifted gears in mid-sentence and started screaming, "Fuck that, there goes a Faith bumper sticker," and flipped it off. The thing is, there's nothing really wrong in my life...I wouldn't say everything's going my way, but circumstances in my life are better than they've been since I got sober. But it feels like I've just been trudging so fucking long and things have moved slow for me in sobriety. I'm upset about some things that were set in motion while I was drinking --- and I've been sober several years now --- that I'm beginning to feel hopeless that they'll ever be righted and I hate myself that me and my alcoholism are responsible. I feel so hopeless and dejected. And it's giving me intermittent hysteria. I nearly lost my shit in the Siegen Lane Target because they didn't have the same tissue cotton t-shirts that the one at Millerville had. I'm never going to that Target again. I walked out in disgust without screaming or buying anything, but not before taking too long a look at the gift boxes of Grey Goose. The best I've been able to do today is call a few people and tell them how shitty I feel, and then I called somebody just to say hello. And I fed the dogs and the cat. Now, I'm just hoping tomorrow feels better than today.

re: Defeat - posted by wade l on 12/18 10:19AM Defeat, give me a break. Do you realize what a success it is for a drunk to go through ONE DAY WITH OUT PICKING UP A DRINK. I used to think that the miracle was that my life would turn out great. Life is life and sometimes it sucks. If you drink it is going to suck even more. I drank when life was good, and I drank when life was bad. It was all just an excuse for wanting to drink. I was suffering from untreated alcoholism. A physical compulsion coupled with a mental obsession. When I realized that my inability to face life on life's terms was a RESULT of that, then the problem lost its power over me. Wade

re: Defeat - posted by PM on 12/18 11:42AM Please explain: "When I realized that my inability to face life on life's terms was a RESULT of that, then the problem lost it power over me."

re: Defeat - posted by wade l on 12/18 02:21PM My inability to face life is a result of the disease of alcoholism, my life is unmanageable. Every single defect of character I have struggled with has come down to fear and the need to drink to remove my fear. I would struggle and fight with a defect until I was at my wits end. I would only get freedom from it when I was able to see that the defect was just a way for me to convince myself that I had to drink. It was the compulsion being cunning, baffling and powerful. God couldn't remove it until I was willing, I wasn't willing until I could be honest with myself about the reason I had the defect. So for me It all goes back to the first step. All the other steps are designed to remind me of my powerlessness. To keep me right sized and have humility. I am just a drunk who is lucky not to be locked up in an insane asylum, or in jail, or dead. So yes, when I can see the truth about who and what I really am my problems don't have power over me, God takes care of them. I am happy that I am in the care of a God that cares for me. Love you to Norma, I'm just saying Wade

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While we hope that all our guests share their experience as it relates to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, we remind everyone that the contents of these message strings are strictly personal opinions of the authors. When in doubt about the nature of statements made please consult the Big Book and other AA reference materials... our motto: "If its not in the book, it doesn't count." Thank you all for sharing.