The Barflies Message Board

Welcome to the Barflies Group Message Board. We encourage all alcoholics to share their experience, strength and hope in a way that is conducive to AA’s primary purpose, which is to stay sober and help other alcoholics achieve sobriety.

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all mixed up - posted by jslaneaux at 12/14 10:23AM So I'm all screwed up today. I'm a lot of trouble functioning. Which is probably why I just accidentally posted a blank page. After a miserable 4 hours of sleep last night I woke up with the thought of drinking on my mind at 5:30 this morning. I don't know whats going with me. I'm in a terrible amount of financial fear. I just want to hide from the world today. You know I thought that I really was getting a lot better over he last few years but lately I feel like a mess with emotions and thoughts all over the place. I haven't had a drink a few years but I was deeply fantasizing about it this morning. I'm just realizing now after talking to a few people and writing this message that the thoughts of release are not dominating my thinking anymore but I'm still scared as hell. I'm taking a couple drunks to a noon meeting and doing step work with someone later. I'm pretty sure I'm not in danger of actually drinking today but I wanted to say something anyway. Not sure if I made any sense at all but I felt like I should say something to everyone this morning. Oh and by the way, good morning to all of you. Jason

re: all mixed up - posted by kah on 12/14 11:17AM "These last gaspers found when they grabbed hold of AA principles with all the fervor the drowning seize life preservers, they almost invariably got well". That is what I wanted in the beginning and even more so now. To get well. There are days I feel the symptoms of my alcoholism more than others. Particularly days where I am full of fear. Days where I really want to get well. So, I try to do those things you already mentioned, get with a drunk, get to a meeting, try helping someone and try practicing principles along the way. Some days, I just have to ride out how I feel. Drinking time. It sucks. These times are never in vain. I find out something important along the way. I end up gaining a bit more humility, that honest recognition of who and what I am and how absolutely dependent on a higher power I must be. This is a good thing, but for me has certainly been a painful one. And yet so necessary, as the 7th step tells us this humility ends up being the "healer of pain". "Price of admission to a new life". I wish you much peace. Kim

re: all mixed up - posted by gilly on 12/14 11:31AM It seems like that whenever I am in the middle of something difficult my thoughts are consumed with, "This is always how it will be", "I will never get better", and "I need to try something else". My mind can go off in terrible directions if I don't make an attempt to align it with the HP. Lately I have experienced financial fear and my way of coping is too spend more money. It's crazy! If these fears or my defects go unchecked for a long time, I eventually think about drinking. No matter what I'm thinking - anytime I am able to put someone's needs ahead of my own, the HP takes care of me. Most times I can't comprehend what is being done. Peace be with you and work with a drunk!

re: all mixed up - posted by Norma Desmond on 12/14 11:35AM Hey Jason, Lucky guy! Like KAH said, when self reliance fails me, I get a true recognition of who and what I really am--and how much I need to depend on the Higher Power. My first sponsor always said, "When you're at your weakest, then you're really at your stongest, because that's when the Higher Power can come in." As painful as these ego-puncturing times are, I truly love the results--the unbelievable peace that finally comes when my defenses are rendered useless and I'm delivered as a helpless, shambling wreck to the mercy and protection of a loving God. You are truly blessed, Norma

re: all mixed up - posted by Paul M on 12/14 12:16PM Morning to you too Jason! ...I saw a movie the other night and a guy was swirling a cognac in a snifter and the image brought me back to happy days before it all went south; the warm feeling, the hopes and dreams and romance of it all. Lucky for me it quickly passed. In fact there is generally nothing about this season that encourages me to drink or even fantasize about it - i do recoil, almost always, just as the book promises. For a drunk like me to enjoy such a state of Grace is truly wondrous! So I believe this AA stuff is no theory but rather the inevitable conclusion of trying (key word there) to live my life as He would have me. It is not always easy, fun or comfortable and some of the lessons are unbelievably painful but it has always proven to be worth it. A short time ago I took issue with a neighbor behind the way and I could see no end to the conflict. I felt exposed to damages and I felt I was dealing with an unreasonable mindset in this person with an unwillingness to budge on a faulty foundation for their end of the argument. I could neither wish it away nor will them into compliance! ...and I couldn't sleep for days. I imagined doing terrible things and having all sorts of things done to me and in my head there was endless contention and even some yelling! I still think I was right in my position, but where the application of spiritual principles is called for the concept of right and wrong is seldom important. No, to have peace I had to concede to Him the rest of the story as it would play out. In this particular case I simply stopped all action which could be considered retaliatory and went on about my business as usual which meant doing things that would incidentally help this person and which could appear to be an admission of fault! Specifically, I would go ahead and rake and bag leaves in my corner of the alley even though she was blowing her leaves into my corner of the alley! Some abuse does persist and when it does I am reminded of how remarkably unhappy this person's life appears to be. And I am reminded of how quickly I was able to sleep through the night again... and all is right with the world. The world and its people often wrong us - but that pales in comparison to all that He does for us. So long story short, I don't know exactly what's wrong in your situation but I would suggest the answer will require less reasoning and more spiritual-mindedness. Much pain.

re: all mixed up - posted by jda on 12/14 01:13PM Pain has been my guide over the last 38 days of sobriety. There has also been peace. My fears range from financial to relationship, smoking to impending erectile dysfunction. All of them are for nothing if I can't stay sober. I have made a few changes in my life lately and they all scare the hell out of me. My experience tells me that if I stay sober all of these things will work out, maybe the way I want, maybe not...but they will all come to an ending resolution. It is in those resolutions that I have to put faith in the HP that he...better than me knows what is best. 42 years of doing it my way have provided little in the way of comfort and true joy. My own self made experiences with happiness are fleeting and very temporal. When I look back, the only time I had peace and joy even when life was handing me what I considered to be shit was when I was practicing AA principles in most if not all of my affairs. Being of service to others, thinking of others, trying not to harm others, praying, and asking for forgiveness when harms were done. To be sure, I was no saint but I was genuine. When I am staying in touch with the HP and trying to do some type of work for someone other than myself, I believe Gods will is happening in my life. When I deviate from this and say...no, I am gonna go for this and screw you, that is when all bets are off and I can no longer have faith that Gods will is carried out in my life. That is when I am self made and my destruction is certain. That is a very scary place to be and very fresh on my mind. Grace protects me. My willingness to be less selfish by asking for the help everyday is what keeps me in that protective grace. The minute I step out of it, the whirlwind starts and things get broken…sometimes irreconcilably broken. It is good to hear you have drunks to work with. At this stage in my recovery, I honestly don’t believe anyone trusts me enough to ask me for help. So for now, I do simple things to help others. Maybe if I am genuine and continue as you have to practice the AA principles, I too can be as blessed as you to have another alcoholic in my life and marvel at the power of AA and God.

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While we hope that all our guests share their experience as it relates to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, we remind everyone that the contents of these message strings are strictly personal opinions of the authors. When in doubt about the nature of statements made please consult the Big Book and other AA reference materials... our motto: "If its not in the book, it doesn't count." Thank you all for sharing.