The Barflies Message Board

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Trying to stay off the train - posted by kah at 11/20 09:34AM So, I have a son with a chronic, incurable neurological disorder. He has been virtually symptom free for all intensive purposes for awhile now, except for early in the morning. His illness causes lots of involuntary muscle spasm and "tics" and usually passes after he has been awake a little while. He has done incredibly well for a long time. Yesterday morning his symptoms were really, really bad and my mama wondered out loud whether or not he would ever be able to live on his own when he got older. Needless to say that one random comment that I have never even considered to be a possibility has thrown me way off balance. The line about "our fears set in motions trains of circumstances that brought us misforture we felt we didn't deserve" has haunted me. Im just trying to stay off the train. My train tends to come in ways that are just not real good for me. Did not take too long for the anger to kick in. Have visions of being old, alone, in an ugly bathrobe and house slippers, chain smoking, with pink foam rollers in my hair and raising an adult son. To say that this is a pretty unreasonable fear would be an understatement, but it has taken my breath away nonetheless. I have known ever since I became a mother (and even an AA) that my life did not belong to me, that others had to come first. I am ok with that and have raised my children almost entirely alone. I love them more than life itself and am so angry that this child has been afflicted this baffling illness and had to suffer as he has. Part of me wants to grab my kids and run for the border. Some false sense of "I can protect him and take care of him at all costs". I know that if that new "worst case fear" should come true, I will get what I need and it will be ok. Somewhere deep down I know that, but I dont want to walk this road again. When his condition got horrific about 1 1/2 yrs ago, it was the most painful thing I had ever experienced and I guess I am also terrfied that we are heading back in that direction. It has just left me with this painful lonliness, anger and sadness, and desperate fear that I have not felt in awhile. Not at this depth. I have cried off and on for two days now. Have been praying and got to meeting yesterday and will again today. Everything in me craves some ease and comfort and desperately wants something to take this paralyzing fear and sadness away. I know that there is no man or shopping spree that is going to take this away and yet, I find myself having to pray to not get on either of those trains. Anyone else out there suffering right now? I feel so incredibly alone and wanted to reach out and see if there was anyone else in the same boat right now.

re: Trying to stay off the train - posted by jda on 11/20 09:56AM Me too but so far have not been very successful at it. Just this morning I found myself giving in to such things as you speak of. I am sober for 14 days now and I can tell you that the HP has taken every one of those days to demonstrate to me just how reckless my life was...is and I have had to eat some pretty pathetic humble pie. I don't feel good and my soul cries out for relief. I have found some of this in a new drunk in my life. The meditations I have been doing definitely put me on a better playing field but I still find myself drawn to a string of thoughts that are painful at best. I know I speak a bunch of gibberish but that is my brain at the moment. I do have faith that sanity will return if I continue to do what I have been doing which is being willing to help someone else and asking for the strength to not be such a selfish ass. I am in pain and I am suffering but I have faith that this will pass even if the situations I suffer over do not.

re: Trying to stay off the train - posted by gilly on 11/20 10:00AM I find myself on that train often! Last night at dinner, I noticed that I have nothing in common with people anymore. I had a tremendous fealing of doom. My prevailing thought is that I would always be the 'crazy man with the two dogs' (like the crazy cat lady) that always rides through the neighborhood with his dogs ignoring everyone because of fear. This thought sent me over the edge. I suddenly wanted to run and avoid all the people that I have planned to visit with during the holidays. This morning I woke up before 5am to work out in an effort to forget...or ignore my malaise. My latest attempt to fix myself temporarily. Like all the other things I have tried that only work for a moment. At the moment it seems impossible to think of others but I know deep down within that that's a lie. I don't share your conviction about AA all that much anymore but your certainly not alone with the lonliness. I never know how things turn out but they usually are not like I expect - Take care!

re: Trying to stay off the train - posted by jules on 11/20 10:19AM I can't remember why at the moment, but I think I live on the train. I can't even think of a reason to get on again because it feels so normal to already be on it. I can't relate about the fear. My mother asked what I was gonna do with my life if I didn't get in to a program after undergrad(haven't even applied yet) that is incredibly competitive and I told her I didn't know. The question set off fears in me that are so incredible! I would be the half educated mother that couldn't get a job that gave up and just scrubbed base boards all day. The big event of the week would be ironing underwear and pageant dresses. (I loathe pageants) I would force my daughter to chase dreams I had and would have run the man off and would start watching daytime talk shows. If I ever went to lunch or dinner with friends, everything I would talk about would start off with, "well, Dr. Phil says that.....". I didn't reach hair curlers but the slippers are already there. I have 7 pairs of slippers and own a pink robe that I actually wear:( I even bring my daughter to daycare without brushing my teeth or washing my face. Some of the fears are very realistic for me too. I pray that I can stay in today and that if my worst fears come true, it will be ok as well. But they aren't real yet. In the meantime, I will continue to pray and grudgingly serve. much love to you kah

re: Trying to stay off the train - posted by Pile of Coathangers on 11/20 10:37AM I am very familiar with the train or crazy train. Most of the time I know that I am the reason for the Amtrak in my mind. I have high expectations of myself, other people, work and the list just keeps growing. When I start thinking that I deserve some kind of entitlement because I stayed sober today or helped someone I start creating trouble for myself. I liked the part where you talked about your life not being your own anymore. I haven't thought about it that way, but it's true. It says somewhere that we look for how we can be of maximum service to God and our fellows and when I am in this mode I have a whole lot better attitude and my expectations aren't nearly as high. To put it simply I am useful and productive. Shit, Gilly, know what you mean, but at least you have to dogs to keep you company! It's really fucked up how my mind can take off on a tangent about how screwed up my future is, what have I done with my life etc. One thing I realize3d the other day is that I don't feel nearly as lonely as I had just a couple of months ago. I guess the weirdest thing is that last spring I was a fucking basket case bitching and griping about how everything sucked down here. My environment hasn't changed much and I'm at peace a good bit of time.

re: Trying to stay off the train - posted by kah on 11/20 10:43AM Thanks guys. Although I take no pleasure in any of your struggles, it is nice to know that I am not alone. And Gilly, I ran yesterday to the point of hurting all over today and I spent about $40 on Itunes so I could run more. At least that "train" only hurts me physically. Love you all. Kim

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While we hope that all our guests share their experience as it relates to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, we remind everyone that the contents of these message strings are strictly personal opinions of the authors. When in doubt about the nature of statements made please consult the Big Book and other AA reference materials... our motto: "If its not in the book, it doesn't count." Thank you all for sharing.