The Barflies Message Board

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Feeling guilty - posted by Pile of Coathangers at 10/29 08:25AM My Mom broke her hip the beginning of October and I did not have a chance to go to Mississippi until last weekend. I've had pneumonia and was trying to prepare for a big exam. I called and spoke to her every night and sent flowers. My folks and sister told me just to concentrate on studying and getting over the crud. This week I've felt like a piece of shit for not going up before and more often to check on her. Hell, she's got a ton of people looking after and I know she's doing well. My money's pretty tight right now and it's expensive to travel 4 hrs one way. While I was home and this week and keep feeling like my sister and Mom's friends think I'm a pretty shitty son for not being there for her. It's important to note that my sister already resents the hell out of me because of my drinking. I thought that we were getting along pretty good before, but when I went up there I really felt the tension between us. I've really tried being nice to her. Is there any good insight out there for me?

re: Feeling guilty - posted by jules on 10/29 08:48AM a couple of things come to mind: It's none of my business what others think about me. I get so caught up in trying to please people, whether because I think they're mad or because I want them to like me. The bottom line is that I want to be comfortable at all cost, no matter how that affects others. Family tension is a tough one. I usually feel guilty when I could've done more or wanted to, or wanted to explain to people why I did "xyz" so that they understand and know where I'm coming from. I'm still trying to get comfortable. You went up there and visited. If you can do more, do it. If not, then don't. Just try to put others' needs ahead of your own and you'll be fine. The circumstances might night change, but you might:) Another thing I get asked when I'm fucked up is "what are you afraid of?" That's always a good one as well as a loaded one. Usually it's some sort of selfcentered fear. I'm selfish and it comes out every which way on a good day, much less when I'm fucked up. I try to remember that if I think of others, the HP will take care of me, no matter what. Sometimes letting people be mad or fucked up is all you can do. I've been in a similar situation lately. My spouse has been fucked up and it's hard not to try to fix things so I'm comfortable. I have to remember that he has to work things out just like I do when I'm fucked up. In the meantime, I try to be supportive, extra nice, leave him alone, etc. Good luck and see you soon! (I tried to say "fuck" as much as possible before 9am)

re: Feeling guilty - posted by Ashley on 10/29 11:05AM I’m glad you wrote this morning since I’ve needed some AA…so it’s good to hear from you. I am currently experiencing lots of guilt, shame, remorse and inadequacy as well. My life is a terrible mess right now and it all seems pretty bleak. It seems very hopeless and impossible to solve on my own and truthfully, it is. I’m newly sober, so you can only imagine the destruction that I’m facing as a result of my alcoholism. It’s a terrifying place to be, but it’s forcing me to practice spiritual principles, work the steps, turn my will and life over to the care of God as I understand Him, and serve others as best and as much as I possibly can. I really don’t have a choice at the moment, and it’s all I can do to get through each day. I’ve tried hard on a daily basis to set myself aside and put the needs of others ahead of my own. It’s very complicated at times trying to figure it all out (i.e. what’s best for me, what’s best for them, what’s God’s will, what’s logical and practical, what’s humility and willingness and what’s not), but fortunately, I’ve somehow been given the grace to get through each day with a little peace. It’s been kind of cool actually. I hope that I can get to more AA meetings soon and serve more alcoholics, but until then, I’ll try to serve the ones that are in front of me and try to do what I think God would have me do in each situation. I may not always do it right, but if I try hard and do the best I can to live according to His will, then I have to believe that things will be okay. When I feel sad, angry, lonely, and uncomfortable, I’ve been saying the 3rd step prayer and it’s helped a lot. It helps me to understand and feel that this might just be His for me right now. More importantly, I do believe that if I seek His will, then my life will work out the way it should. That relationships will be restored and that I can live in this world with dignity and serenity...something that I haven’t had in a long, long time. It sounds like you’ve been sober for a little while and are starting to live life again which is wonderful. However, I can’t help but to try to relate some of what you wrote to how I feel too. My family is disgusted with my drinking and they are angry with me too. My son, well he deserves so much more than I have offered him in the last two years. He deserves a mother who is sober! I believe that opportunities will come again for me in time, and I don’t believe that God wants me to be sad and lonely, miserable and unhappy. I don’t think he wants me to walk around with guilt and shame either. If you did the best you could, then so be it. If you didn’t, then maybe you could try harder next time and ask to make it right? Either way, no matter what your circumstances are, as long as you stay sober, try to put the needs of others ahead of your own, and live according to His will, then you’ll be okay. The peace that I’ve had over the last couple of days to a week has been absolutely amazing. Something that I didn’t believe that I could have a month ago! Yesterday, I went to see my son read at church and I was able to go eat lunch with my grand-father for his birthday. Saturday, I was able to spend some time with a friend, and get to an AA meeting. It’s like I had to fall flat on my face and feel like I was dying to see the beauty in actually living. Without being sober and as long as I still had all my “things” which made me so great (LOL), I couldn’t see the beauty in anything. If you’re a drunk like me, then the progress may be in that you’re even willing to look, examine, and ask what you can do and if you can do it better. Maybe that you even feel guilt and shame. I don’t know, I’m pretty self-centered and when I’m drinking and living how I want to live, other people and how they might feel don’t even enter my mind. It’s really sick! So progress, not perfection, and you do have a tool that you can to at least try to right any wrongs…if you stay sober and with God’s help.

re: Feeling guilty - posted by kah on 10/29 11:20AM I kept thinking about my family, particularly my sisters and mother and what I put them through with my drinking. Two of my sisters stood in my face the night of my last drunk vowing to never have anything to do with me. To say that I did not carry my share of the load in my family was an understatement. They could never count on me for anything. They were angry and had every right to be. Fast forward and I get sober. In time, the relationships with my family straightened out. One of those sisters asked me to be her maid of honor and godmother to her first child, after I had been sober awhile. I am incredibly close to all my siblings today and my parents too. What a gift from the higher power. Yet, I think the more important thing that comes to mind is my dealings with my mother since I got sober. My mother is a wonderful person, however she too suffers from spiritual sickness, like most of us. I look around and am well aware of the fact that I did an awful lot to contribute to her anxiety and worry. She was raised by a violent alcoholic, married two of them and of course, there is me. The bottom line is we do alot to make the people around us sicker. Then I got sober and expected everyone to see how great I was. They were not impressed. It took time for them to see change in me and even longer for them to trust me again and the tensions to subside. To this day, my mama still calls me at least once a day. Sometimes it would get aggravating. Then I would remember how many days she tried to reach me and could not. Me doing what I can to serve my family and be a part of, is a living amends for the damage I brought about. I dont beleive anyone should walk around feeling guilty forever. AA does not tell us that. However, there are things I should feel guilty about and a little bit of guilt has gone a long way sometimes to help spur me on to see what I could do to make things right. It took time with my family. I recently moved back home for awhile and my parents have truly been wonderful to us. They have given me far much more than I have ever given them and now I have a new way to try and serve them. It is humbling.

re: Feeling guilty - posted by Norma Desmond on 10/29 11:38AM Hi Pile of Coathangers, Given your restrictions of being of being broke, sick and studying for an exam, the fact that you placed daily phone calls to your mother demonstrates that you were concerned and involved with her health and well-being. In addition, you checked with family members to confirm that your immediate presence was not critical to her recovery, then made a personal visit as soon as possible. It sounds like you handled the situation appropriately. But as I know all too well, relationships in the alcholic family can be difficult to repair. If I've made my amends and the tension remains, I must pray for the ability to accept the consequences of my past actions without bitterness, resentment, self-pity or morbid reflection. The reality is that I caused considerable damage to my loved ones and they might not be ready or able to forgive or trust me again. One of the best ways I know of to love and serve is to respect the rights of others -- whether they be in the family, the workplace or in the fellowship -- by giving them the freedom to think and feel whatever they wish about me. It can be hard to bear, and requires a lot of grace from the Higher Power not to retaliate or grovel, but instead continue walking with dignity on the spiritual path. The Big Book calls it trudging the road of happy destiny. Happy trudging! Norma

re: Feeling guilty - posted by Wade L on 10/29 03:49PM I had a few years sobriety, and my dad got really sick with pneumonia. He called and told me that he was sick, and needed some help. I told him that I was in the middle of exams and needed to study, that I couldn't get away to help him. He was recently divorced and had no one. He told me later that he thought during that time he was going to die. I regret not going to help him to this very day. I was really blind to the needs of others. I had a cold heart and couldn't see where God needed me to be.

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While we hope that all our guests share their experience as it relates to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, we remind everyone that the contents of these message strings are strictly personal opinions of the authors. When in doubt about the nature of statements made please consult the Big Book and other AA reference materials... our motto: "If its not in the book, it doesn't count." Thank you all for sharing.