The Barflies Message Board

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On-line meeting - posted by Ashley at 10/16 08:56AM Does anyone feel like having an on-line meeting this morning? I know you are all at work, but I could use some AA. I have a wedding this week-end that I'm in for a friend who is not in AA. There will be lots of drinking and possibly some drugs on the down low. I do not want to be in this wedding. It's a huge wedding that the bride has been planning for over a year. She has spent so much money and time trying to make this as special to her as she possibly can, and I've committed to doing this long before now. Also, she has helped me a lot over the last year or more. As you can imagine, I've been in a lot of danger and tough spots over the last year in which she has been there as much as she could every time I've asked. I feel completely obligated to do this and backing out now seems out of the question. Plus, I am seriously trying to put the needs of others ahead of mine and meet my obligations squarely. Something I haven't done in a long, long time according to my 4th step. I will have a ride there, but after the service, I will be stuck there until some other gracious attendee agrees to bring me home. So, I will be in a position that I'm nervous about and pretty sure is not good for me. I've been sober for 3 weeks and 2 days and I've started my 4th step and getting ready to do a 5th step. I went to a meeting for the first time in almost 2 weeks yesterday, but I'm scared I'm not going to make it through this. I know God can keep me sober and in the back of my mind, I believe that I can make it through this with his help, but I'm scared to death. I feel like this is such an imposition to me and my situation. I know that is selfish and self centered and it's not her fault that things are so bad for me right now, it's just really complicated for me and seems much easier to back out and not go. However, I know I will feel terrible and she will never forgive me. Also, if I back out, I will have to tell some big lie that will make me feel even worse than not going.

re: On-line meeting - posted by gilly on 10/16 09:57AM When I first got sober, I was the best man in a wedding in Dallas. It was the weekend of the LSU vs Duke BB game, Shaq vs Laettner. I didn't want to go either. For the last couple of years the friendship was strained because I was so selfish and destructive. I hated myself and thought everyone else did too! He was a good friend so I just suited up and went. During the ceremony, I pulled the old "I lost the ring trick"....the parents of the bride/groom were upset with me. I didn't want attention but couldn't avoid doing something to attract it. I don't recommend doing anything like that! Despite the stunt and all the thoughts that ran through me head, the HP got me through it. In situation's like weddings I take myself my too seriously. Remember rule 62! That's easier to practice if I am doing little things for others. Just trying to help keeps me from thinking about my problems. There's probably lots you can do for the bride. I haven't spoken to that guy in a while but he called the other day. I'll let you know how it goes. If you need a ride home call someone.

re: On-line meeting - posted by Norma Desmond on 10/16 10:40AM Hey Ashley--great idea! For me, part of staying sober means participating in events and gatherings that I would rather skip because of self-centeredness and sensitive pride: how do I look, what do I talk about, who is doing better than me and in what ways, this is boring, I'm uncomfortable, etc. Today I must attend a birthday/farewell lunch for a co-worker. Here's the train of selfihness that is running through my head: I don't like restaurants because the food is expensive and mediocre, I don't like giving up my precious free hour to socialize with people I don't enjoy but interact with all day, I'm actually glad to see her go--but must be considerate and yet avoid the hypocrisy of feigned regret, etc. As you can see, my struggles with these obligatory appearances are not that much different than yours. It does't seem to matter that I can leave whenever I want to, because I want to leave the minute I arrive. Since the Higher Power keeps me sober, the presence or absense of alcohol is not really relevant...it's just something else to focus on that leads me back to me. Whenever I dwell on myself -- my fears and my wants -- I suffer from the four horsement of spiritual sickness (terror, bewilderment, frustration and despair). I'm only happy on those rare occasions when I forget about me and participate in life with the intention of bringing joy, Showing up and reaching out gives me a shot. Staying home doesn't. Even if I have a miserable time, at least I was willing...and willingness has been enough to keep my channel to the Higher Power open just enough for the grace of sobriety to trickle through. Thanks, Norma P.S. It might help you not think about yourself at the wedding if you ask someone to pick you up at a set time. Just a thought.

re: On-line meeting - posted by kah on 10/16 10:45AM Shortly after I sobered up, my brother got married. It was a huge formal affair. I remember being absolutely terrified to go. Still wanting to drink and having zero knowledge/understanding of AA or higher power at all. Very shaky ground. I decided to go. A bunch of us met at my parents and the very first person to approach me was a family friend I had thrown across a pool table the night of my last drunk. I had humiliated him, my sisters, myself. It was ugly. And here he is walking towards me in my parents driveway. Somehow the higher power was doing for me alot of things I could not do, nor would have even thought to do. I found my mouth opening and being able to make amends to this guy. I was abaondoning myself to AA and a higher power and did not even know it. The wedding was lovely, I did not want to drink and ended up having a really good time. I tried to participate and be a part of and by some miracle of grace, I was. If you go, I too would be willing to come pick you up if you get in a bind. Take care.

re: On-line meeting - posted by Paul M on 10/16 11:19AM I often tell drunks to avoid social situations where the drinking is going on if they still have an alcoholic mind - if they still want to drink - if they can at all avoid it. But it it appears you may not have that choice. In the end it might be a great experience for you to recount when working with newcomers in the future if all goes well! Three things. First, in the second step we are reminded that our aim is to open ourselves up so that the grace of God can enter and expel the obsession. Moreover we go out with the intent of working out every aspect of our lives to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and our fellows. So every opportunity for loving service is one where we are further armored against the insanity of alcoholism. Many times we aren't clear how to be of service but here there is no doubt that supporting the bride and contributing to the spirit of the day are very much desired by your friend. Show your support with love and service. Second, we often enjoy a honeymoon with our Maker when we first set out to put our lives in His hands. In your previous round you enjoyed great peace and hope as you went out trying to apply His will to your life. What better place to be reminded of HIs love, of the peace you had and can have again, then the occasion to put together two souls as one and send them off in the world to work together in the pursuit of happiness. You are invited to, honored to, stand up for your friend and salute what God has put together. And in all its splendor it is small in comparison to what is happening to you. And finally, I am reminded how much I needed my friends at my wedding. I had no idea it would be like that but every time I turned around I needed someone to go somewhere, check on something, attend to this, get that, and 'where the fuck is my coffee!" I'll never forget how incredibly helpful my crew was and how much it meant to me to have them there - I really never expected it. Your opportunities for loving service are so plentiful on a day like this that if you can find the humility to be who you are you will be able to enjoy a tremendous feeling of usefulness, dignity, purpose and from that... hope. Dance with the ugly guy, bring the kids a snack, pass out bird food, laugh, make merry and enjoy walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe. Love and laugh. The practical advice someone offered earlier sounds good - to ask somebody to be prepared to take you home. You might even consider asking someone to be prepared to come get you early in the event you run out of things to do.

re: On-line meeting - posted by Ashley on 10/16 11:30AM Wow, that's really cool. When I posted the topic this morning, I wasn't asking for anyone to come get me nor would I ever expect anyone to do such a thing. The wedding is out in St. Francisville and I live in Zachary. Go figure, huh. Anyway, after I posted the topic, I got a call from a friend and she offered to come pick me up after the ceremony tomorrow which made me feel a lot better. The idea of showing up to do not only what I've been asked to do but also what I have committed to do is so complicated in itself. But all the other details that go with it, make it more terrifying and uncomfortable. Today, I've been thinking of myself and how I was going to get through this week-end. Haven't been able to do much today except smoke cigarettes and try to figure it all out. The only productive thing that I've done really is pray and try to start an on-line meeting. I am now about to make a list of chores/housework items that need to be done so that I can at least serve someone else just for day and try to make it through one more without being so scared and miserable. I swear, service is really what has saved me over the last couple of weeks. I'm sure a lot of the service is coming from fear and my need for approval, but I try to keep thinking "put the needs of others ahead of your own" and I've been able to survive the last couple of weeks, not drink, and have a little bit of peace. I try to eat last after everyone has made their plate, clean the kitchen afterwards, take care of our pet properly, get involved in my son's activities, stay out of the way when I know it's time, do what housework is needed during the day while everyone is gone, not sulk, not cry and try to make everyone feel sorry for me, etc. I try to just be a part of the team and help out as much as I can. I guess today, tomorrow, or the next day doesn't have to be any different. Keep your phones on, because if I make it through this ceremony without getting fucked up, I'm going to need to get out of there shortly afterwards. Thank you all for being such great friends and willing to help me live again. What a long road I have ahead, but the good news is that I haven't been quite so willing to walk this way for a long, long time. We shall see.

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