The Barflies Message Board

Welcome to the Barflies Group Message Board. We encourage all alcoholics to share their experience, strength and hope in a way that is conducive to AA’s primary purpose, which is to stay sober and help other alcoholics achieve sobriety.

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hopeless - posted by Ashley at 10/06 11:07AM I have no hope. I am living at my mom's with my son and her husband. I have no job and no car. No money and a just a prayer of "God, please help me." Often, I think of suicide and think of dying, which seems to be the only solution to my existence. I don't feel any real connection with anyone or anything. I had friends at one time in AA, but after a long period of being away (out) for the lack of a better word, I feel as if I have no one to turn to. I'm living 30 miles away from the meetings that I'd like to attend, trying to serve here at home, being treated like a dog, etc. I have nowhere to turn and no way of coming out of this. I sit and pray and I did find an old friend who brought me to a meeting last night here in Zachary. What's going to happen to me? I am forced to stay sober but away from the people who I think can really help me. No car or money to get boo's, no privacy to drink it, so not much to worry about there. I try to put my family’s needs ahead of mine, not by virtue, but out of fear, and I try to get along. This is the most horrible situation that I could have possibly gotten myself into. No way out and nowhere to turn. Not the bottle and not to AA. I try to turn to God, but even He seems so far away. I try to understand that it's not about the conditions, but how does one get to AA or try to participate if they can’t even leave the house. I mean, it just doesn't make sense how things will work out. Good thing I guess is that I can't get fucked up anymore. I'm so doomed to a live of misery and aloneness. This is what God wants for me I guess. No friends, no family, no nothing. Just me and my pitiful existence.

re: hopeless - posted by kah on 10/06 11:25AM December 8, 1991, alone in a one bedroom apartment with an eviction notice on the door, no money, the man I could not live without had left, family and friends exhausted from all things that were me, suicidal with a gun. That was where I was. I did still have a car and it was the one thing I wished I could have gotten rid of. Hopeless, desparate, beaten. Looking back on it now, I beleive it to have been the greatest gift God gave me. I had nowhere else to go and hated who and what I had become. My ego was finally smashed and then, and only then, could God work in my life. Had to move in with my dad, whom I had spent the majority of my life hating, who was a yr sober and made me pay to live in his house. Was lost and afraid and miserable, but by some miracle of grace, in spite of how I felt, I kept going to AA, and started to see some light at the end of the tunnel a couple of months into it. Had no idea how things would work out, just did not want to feel that way anymore. In time, I did not feel like that anymore. I keep thinking of the man in the book who had been sober awhile, drank, and the question is posed, "what happened?". The writers go on to say "he failed to enlarge his spiritual life". I beleive that is what happened between the first time I tried to sober up and this time. What I found out this time was "God did not make too hard of terms for those who seek him", any attempt on my part, whether I felt God or not, was an act of faith, an act of humility. Keep getting to AA and trying to serve whoever God puts in your path. Attendance at any meeting is an act of faith and out very lives as ex-problem drinkers depends upon our constant thought of others and how we may meet their needs. Those things were true when I got sober and are still true today. By the way, I will come and get you at anytime to take you to a meeting. Anytime. Please feel free to call. You do still have friends in AA. K

re: hopeless - posted by Ashley on 10/06 11:43AM That's the thing. Everybody has a story of how they just went to AA or walked to work or slept on peoples couches. No body seems too have the story of a meeting a week, no car to get any others, no couches to sober up on, no friends to drink coffee with, no one to hlep, etc. not to mention, my greatest hope is to go to treatment, a shelter, or the army, etc.. My life is over and nobody understands. Nobody cares, nor should they. I did this to myself and everybody seems to think that they know what this must be like. I cant keep going to AA - no way to get there except when someone is willing to bring me. Out in Zachary and just reading the big book and praying in between. Oh, and all my motives are wrong too. Because I didn't get it together while I had a car, now my motives are wrong. Been trying to seek spiritual help for a year now, and now, I'm here and my motives are wrong. It's all wrong and it's all fucked up. There is no hope and no light in my life.

re: hopeless - posted by Pile of Coathangers on 10/06 12:29PM For the better part of my life I have suffered from terminal uniqueness. When I was 19 I was first introduced to AA for about a year. I got drunk totaled out my car and got a DUI. At that point in my life my parents and everyone else for that matter were pretty fed up. None of my old drinking buddies wanted anything to do with me. I didn't have a job and was living at home with the folks. Pure misery! Out of shear escape I was going to meetings just to get out of the house. I can remember the meeting in V-burg was filled with old people who in no way could "relate" to me or my drinking. At that point I still wasn't as bad off as they were. What a crock! What I'm getting at is for 20 years now I have been in and out of the program and things have changed. I now feel like I am more fucked up than most people in the meetings, lol. I got a little over 8 mos now, but in February when I got sober again... the shit had really hit the fan. I lost my job, my girlfriend and I broke up, no where to live and I had bills from hell. I look back on that time right now and things weren't nearly as bad as I felt they were at the time. I found a place to stay, made meetings, read the literature and worked the steps with my sponsor. Things worked out how they were suppose to in God's time. Still today things can get fucked up quick in my head before I even know it. But I find that if a just put one foot in front of the other and try to do the basics things work out. Hell, if I had everything I wanted at this very moment I probably wouldn't appreciate it and wouldn't be satisfied.

re: hopeless - posted by Jules on 10/06 12:43PM I feel pretty hopeless at times too, actually, more so than I'd like to admit. Through getting sober and throughout my sobriety there have been so many times I felt alone and hopeless. The most recent has been in the last year. I don't get to as many meetings as I'd like or they're the wrong meetings in which the fellowship I desperately crave isn't there. I feel lonely and want to lash out. I keep thinking of somewhere in the literature I've read and can't remember where, but it talks about being so alone and realizing the dependence is on people. This has been one of the loneliest years of my sobriety to be honest. So, after feeling sorry for myself over and over and over, I get some hope that God is forcing me to put my dependence on Him. Of course a week or two later I'm back a self pity square one. But I did get some sort of reprieve before the hell comes back. I have tried looking at it but haven't come to any major conclusions other than my pride is very twisted. I pray for God to take it when He sees fit, but it's still here. My motives are usually wrong too. I feel hopeless too. I'm lonely too. But sometimes, once a week, I seem to feel a part of something far away and that's what keeps me going. Well, that and the fact that I don't want to drink and I feel like if I just show up, newcomers will fall in my lap and opportunities to please the HP will come down like balloons from the ceiling in order for me to make my sacrifice and will magically get what I want, which is not to feel lonely. I don't think our motives have to be right for us to do some good. If so, I'm screwed. When I lived out of town, I was forced to go to meetings I hated with people I could definitely live without. I put my foot down and didn't go for over a month. I was amazed how I didn't drink but finally tried to get involved even though it wasn't the fellowship I wasn't used to or liked. We're supposed to feel hopeless sometimes, I think that's what keeps me coming back. I have to agree with Kim on this one. I'm your friend too and a drive out to get you for a meeting would be peaceful and welcome. Call anytime. In these lonely times, I try to put the family's need ahead of my own and I think it counts for something even when I bitch about it.....to the family. I usually try to be available to others that I know are suffering from severe loneliness too, which in my experience is any other drunk or depressive person. (this is in reference to my depressed grand mother that called me crying last week saying how lonely she was) God is putting people in my life that I need and sometimes don't want. I know that sounds awfully bitchy but this is who and what I am. Sorry to ramble but just know that there are others out there that feel the same way.

re: hopeless - posted by sky on 10/06 04:21PM Ashley, I wish I had something profound to say, but all I can think to say is that I can come pick you up Thursday for a meeting. I love you, Sonya

re: hopeless - posted by Paul M on 10/06 05:52PM When the insanity of alcoholism takes hold of us there are rarely sufficient answers to all the problems. We alcoholics simply can't live to useful purpose, find peace and contentment, have useful lives or even hope for such and drink at the same time. The insanity of alcoholism is simply that 'it'll be ok.' I suffered through the slow and painful dismantling of my life to a depth no different than yours. 33 years old living with my parents having lost everything including my driver's license. I know it isn't the end of the world for you and I can think of half a dozen ways to attack the problems you mention but none of that matters because you don't appear to be finished drinking. You're insane, and you have the whacked-out notion that if you solve these problems you'll be ok - or maybe then you'll think about living sober. Alcoholism has only begun it's destruction of you and it may not occur to you that you need to stop drinking until it is finished with your livelihood and starts back into your health and physical well being. You were there once and understood that - but that was another lifetime. Now you manage it well, you cope, you stop before you get the DWI or you wait till after 6 to enter your alcoholic prison. My hat is off. We've all been there Ashley. We all know the way out. And you're not really telling us anything most of us haven't lived through. But we don't know what to say because you're not saying "please help me stop drinking." AA isn't here to fix your life, it is here to help you get and stay sober. If you're not drowning then why grab the life preserver? If you are drowning you'll find that the life preserver will do much more than save your life - but you have to be drowning.

re: hopeless - posted by Gilly on 10/07 09:46AM You're needed and wanted in AA. Please call one of your friends and ask for a ride. You'll be helping them! Take care!

re: hopeful?? - posted by Ashley on 10/07 10:52AM Paul, I really don’t know what to say about what you wrote on the web post response yesterday. I'm so humiliated and embarrassed that I doubt very seriously I will ever post anything or speak up in one of your meetings again. I hope and pray that I am done drinking, but you’re right, I am having a hard time asking for help with NOT drinking. However, I know for a fact that my alcoholism is destroying my life, but I’ve also forgotten that my alcoholism is at play here whether I’m actually drinking or not. I am insane (no doubt), which is why I can only think about drinking, dying, or committing myself to an insane asylum. Nevertheless, as of today, I have not had a drink in 2 weeks which is the longest I’ve gone without alcohol in a long, long time now. I cannot explain to you how bad I wanted to drink yesterday. Scared to death to drink along with the constant thought about how I could possibly pull it off and not get caught somehow is miserable? Just 1 or 2 would have been nice - or 3 or 4. Because I wasn't drinking and couldn't figure out how I could do it successfully (my room here at my moms is contingent on not drinking) I began to plot or hope that I would or could find my mom's purse laying there unmonitored. "Maybe I could swipe a couple of painpills or downers? Odorless and far less consequently" - seemed pretty logical in light of how I was feeling yesterday. I can't seem to shake the feeling of needing something to take the edge off and not feel this pain. Do I want drugs, no. What I really want is to drink and drink as much as I possibly can without going to jail. If I could drink enough to die, then I would, and I'd get started right now! But in light of my history, that's probably not going to happen real fast. It will be slow and miserable, and much to painful for me to bear. I have no illusions about that, so it leaves me fearful of drinking coupled with a compulsive desire for more alcohol! It's a misreable feeling. So, in the midst of my self-pity and insanity yesterday, I thought I’d share on-line. I had no idea that you were going to humiliate me to such a point of never wanting to speak up again. I’m sorry if I’m not saying the right things or coming to AA for the wrong reasons. I'm sorry if I'm reaching out because of selfishness or out fear. I’m sorry if I’m not drinking myself into oblivion everyday to the point where I can talk about it with depth and weight, but I've certainly been there before. I know what it's like and I'm scared to death of it happening again. Why I seem to manage the drink a little better at this point in my life is beyond me, but I still know in my heart and soul that I am an alcoholic and one of a hopeless variety possibly. In "another lifetime," I was so critical of people who didn't drink like I drank, and would secretly accuse them of not being an alcoholic. I was critical of the ones who talked about not being able to work or pay their bills simply because they didn't want to and said they just couldn't manage to do it. Critical of the ones who spoke of fear, even without drinking. But mainly, very critical of the ones who weren't drinking to live. As it turns out, all the stories that I was critical of during that lifetime, I seem to now be experiencing the same with utter despair. Still, I can't seem to connect the dots of how can my drinking could possibly be the problem if I'm not drinking myself into oblivion everyday. Guess that's the insanity part?! I wish I would just get it, but I'm having a hard time finding my way back and actually staying for the miracle to happen. I want to stay sober, but I don't do it. I want to live, but can't. I want friends, but don't have any. I want a life, but I feel like I'm dying. I want to be free again and live with dignity, but I feel like I'm stuck with myself and I hate it!! My mother even says that to me out loud - that's she's tired of being stuck with me. She feels the same way about me as I do and I understand. I know my untreated alcoholism is affecting me and my family, and it’s slowly destroying my life and my well being. I know that I need God's grace to not only live, but to live as he would have me. If that’s not good enough to go to AA or even participate in your group, then I guess I should try to get on meds again, find another group or just slowly die a miserable life as I’m doing now. I don't really have many options at this point besides prayer, service to my family, and an AA meeting when I can get one. So, thanks for your wisdom – seriously. It gave me a lot to think about and a new prayer. I guess you could say it gave me a shred of hope possibly? I asked God last night and this morning to restore me to sanity and for willingness to keep walking no matter what my conditions may currently be. I remember the last time I got sober...I used to CONSTANTLY pray (beg would probably be a better word) for God to restore me to sanity. It was out of fear and/or knowledge that I would never stop drinking by myself. Maybe it will work for me this time too - who knows?? So you can call me out in front of everyone on the message board and you can laugh and talk about me over coffee, but what's wrong with me is a sickness that I can't seem to grip on by myself. It's got my mind, body, and soul so screwed up that I don't know what to say or how to feel. But, by showing up to a meeting or someone's house, picking up the phone and trying to ask for help, and trying to talk about it is more willingness than I have in a long time. It's the best I've been able to do lately. If it's not enough, then so be it. I guess it will come when it comes and in the mean time, I'll try to keep trying. Obviously, I haven’t been given the clarity or sanity that you have at this point, but maybe one day, I can receive the gift of sobriety too.

re: hopeful??? - posted by K Lewis on 10/07 01:09PM I don't live in Baton Rouge, but my husband is from BR, got sober with a bunch of you folks, and told me about this chat board. We have a similar chat board here in Jacksonville, FL that I cherish. I have been reading this post and was touched by all the responses where people could relate, shared their experience & insight, expressed their friendship, offered rides to a meeting, and cared. The total support I expect from good ole AAers. I am a real sensitive drunk and even carried the nickname "delicate petunia" for a while. It has been a long time since someone has called me that, but it was years into my sobriety when I stopped hearing it, haha. That's ok. It was all in good fun, but it was true. Even today, I can get offended by an idea or suggestion I just don’t want to entertain. The reality is that most people in AA, they just want to be helpful even if they piss me off while trying. I am so fearful of being wrong, bad, lost, or not as insightful as you? These are fears I pin on myself because no one has even told me or probably thought these things, but these are the lies and fears I manufacture in my mind. I was reading this earlier in the 12 & 12 p. 49 “Both his pride and his fear beat him back every time he tries to look within himself. Pride says, "You need not pass this way," and Fear says, "You dare not look!" But the testimony of A.A.'s who have really tried a moral inventory is that pride and fear of this sort turn out to be bogeymen, nothing else.” I know self-pity and I know loneliness in sobriety with loving and caring people all around me; it is miserable and I have had suicidal thoughts galore. Sometimes I have this idea of who could or should help me and when those people don’t show me the affection I crave I become bitter and angry. Maybe the wrong people reach out to help me, because I think, “I certainly know more than they do.” When I start to open my mind, get right-sized, give the people God put in my path a chance, I found I wanted to help them too, even if it was to help myself. I started to crave a communion with these people and the fellowship. Some hope arrived. God & AA have never let me down, never. Keri

re: hopeless - posted by Norma Desmond on 10/08 12:38PM Ashley, I enjoyed our visit in the backyard on Drehr Street the other day. What could be finer than sharing a beautiful fall day, sitting around the umbrella table with caring and committed friends? Oh, and by the way, I think you did the right thing about the car. Baby steps. Here's a thought -- In early sobriety, I talked on the phone a lot. Hope to hear from you soon, Norma P.S. Remember when Paul said I used to get mad at him and disappear for a while? Well, now just I stick around and steam. Baby steps.

re: hopeless - posted by Ashley on 10/08 02:36PM Thank you all for your willingness to help me. Paul and I talked on the phone yesterday for a while about alcoholism. It was really cool and he helped me a lot. Some cool things have happened today that seem to be of somewhat HOPE. I know there is hope is I seek a spiritual solution...I do believe that. But it is painful to walk through, especially in the beginning. All of you have helped me tremendously and I'm hoping to say the 3rd step prayer with my sponsor so I can start an inventory. A friend suggested that I may want to start writing one if I'm in such a mood to write on the message board. LOL, but she is right. Wouldn't hurt to get started and beginning the process of the solution which is ultimately, relief. I will call all of you. I promise. Thanks again for all that you do for people like me!

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While we hope that all our guests share their experience as it relates to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, we remind everyone that the contents of these message strings are strictly personal opinions of the authors. When in doubt about the nature of statements made please consult the Big Book and other AA reference materials... our motto: "If its not in the book, it doesn't count." Thank you all for sharing.