The Barflies Message Board

Welcome to the Barflies Group Message Board. We encourage all alcoholics to share their experience, strength and hope in a way that is conducive to AA’s primary purpose, which is to stay sober and help other alcoholics achieve sobriety.

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Principles over personalities - posted by Pile of Coathangers at 06/18 12:55PM I've been trying to a help a fellow out taking him to meetings and talking about the steps and big book with him. I had been doing this for about a week when his personality begun to wear on me. I can't believe how negative an attitude he has about everything. To top it all off he had been drinking the whole time. I drove him around for over an hour Sunday evening trying to encourage him to go to the emergency room to help get him in detox somewhere, but he wouldn't have any of it. He called persistently through Monday drunk wanting to talk, but I quit taking his calls. Tuesday evening he decided that he needed medical help and agreed to go to the ER. I was more than happy to do that for him, but I have to say that he has exhausted me. He is trying to get in rehab at the moment, but I don't think he is wanting to here to much about the program and is more or less just hanging around the meetings. How much patience and tolerance do you give somebody who you feel is full of shit and wants the "immediate fix" and not the solutions outlined in the big book and steps. Let this be said that I know I was a pain in the ass to when I got sober! I've tried getting him to talk to others who have more sobriety and reach out to others for help to, but I am getting overwhelmed with trying to help him and keep my own spiritual house in order. Damn any suggestions?

re: Principles over personalities - posted by Paul M on 06/18 05:07PM A drunk that can't stop drinking - doesn't get any more fun than that! If there's ever a time when it's exciting to be in AA, a time when you bring to bear all that you know about yourself, about alcoholism and about AA, it's now! If you can find the chink in his armour - get through to him with stories of your own drinking, reach down into your own experience and show him that you are the same and you've found a way out ... then you'll live those awesome words in the Big Book "an experience you must not miss." If you don't already know that you and he both are powerless over alcohol, then he's sure to show you. If you haven't discovered the depth of impact your defects have had on others then he'll release you. Know this at least - God has sent him to you and most likely because you are the right one to help him. And he's the right one to help you! Never forget that AA is inverted. It, AA, actually started when Bill looked around and realized nobody he had tried to help was sober - but he was. That is the great gift this man is bringing to you. And he's going to bring you so much more!!

re: Principles over personalities - posted by kah on 06/18 05:14PM I wish I had a nickel for every time I had tried to help someone whose personality got on my nerves. I'm sure many could say the same thing about me. Yet, several things come to mind when I read this. One is that I need to try to practice principles above MY personality as much as anyone eles's. I remember one person the higher power placed in my life to help and thinking there was no way I could help this person. This person claimed to have had an affair with my spouse and wanted me to help them get sober. I remember calling my sponsor and asking if I had to help this person and my sponsor telling me "Yes, you do.". That was probably the greatest gift anyone in AA ever gave me. That person did not stay sober, but I will never forget the peace that came over me when I knew the higher power would give me what I needed to help this person. I prayed alot and did my best to help them and I did stay sober. Anytime, anyone, anywhere reaches out for help, the hand of AA needs to be there. I love the part in the book where it talks about "our very lives as ex-problem drinkers depends upon our contsant thought of others and how we might meet their needs". That line says it all. Thanks so much for the topic. I need to be reminded of these things still.

re: Principles over personalities - posted by Gilly on 06/19 09:23AM In my efforts to help drunks the last few years for the most part I have failed miserably. I guess because of random successes that I have in life...I think that I am qualified to fix drunks. So my interactions consist of problem solving, life skills or things similar. Spirituality is different. Instead of sharing experience I brag about something I did or try to show them how great I am. I may have climbed some ladders of success in life but it still doesn't fix my spiritual malady. In the end the person I’m trying to help gets disillusioned with me and I think to some extent AA. My motive was probably to just look good in the eyes of fellow AA’s. Other times I have treated drunks horribly because of my anger and/or intolerance. I was on house arrest when I was about 7 years sober for being an asshole (long story). This guy I knew had started drinking again after staying sober for some time in AA and lost everything. He ended up staying at my place which seemed like a great deal because I was stuck at home. Well, it was miserable. He was drinking and pissing all over my couch (no it wasn't Dave). I'm not saying that that stuff is fun or anything but my reactions were horrible. I took it all personal and drove him away because of my anger. The result of both is that I end up eliminating the best chance that I have at staying sober...helping the newcomer. So please don't end up realizing that there is nobody to help because they are to sick or too much of a pain in the ass. Those are the people that really need our help.

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While we hope that all our guests share their experience as it relates to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, we remind everyone that the contents of these message strings are strictly personal opinions of the authors. When in doubt about the nature of statements made please consult the Big Book and other AA reference materials... our motto: "If its not in the book, it doesn't count." Thank you all for sharing.