The Barflies Message Board

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Powerless over alcohol - posted by blank at 05/30 11:37AM I'm powerless of alcohol and my life is unmanagable. I have recently been struggling with myself and lack of manageability. I have known I was alcoholic for many years now; however, in the last year or so, I've also been struggling with my alcoholism. Last night I got drunk. I woke up at 4:30 this morning with the horseman chasing me. I was sweating and my heard was beating so fast it felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. I am terrified at the fact that I drank like that again. I have been trying to work on steps 3 and 4 and haven't been able to make much progress. My sponsor suggested that I investigate that fact that "I'm powerless over alcohol" and that maybe I should look at steps 1 and 2. I've been doing pretty good with "not drinking" for the most part even though I haven't been involved in AA. Anyway, I don't really know how that's relavent, but I do know that I have really thought for a while now that if I could just manage well on my own, everything would be okay. That I could still somehow do this. Anyway, I am a drunk and I don't want to live like this anymore. I know that God wants me to be sober and I need to be sober in order to live in this world serenly, be a parent, etc. And one thing that I do know for sure is that I'm powerless over alcohol and my life is completely unmanageable. Yesterday I started the day praying that and asking for grace to live in His will for me. I went to the hospital to see a relative and brought my big book, 12/12 and a notebook. I was going to read the 3rd and 4th step and jot down answers to some of the questions in the 4th step. I made an appointment with a clergyman yesterday and I will meet with him on Monday. A big fight broke out within my family and I ended up drunk. I'm not saying that I got drunk because of that, but I did end up drunk yet again. So, here I am again. I just dodn't even know what to say, but I guess I should start back at step 1 just like my sponsor suggested. I should go to a meeting every day, and try to live one day at a time again. God, I hate myself today.

re: Powerless over alcohol - posted by Administrator on 05/31 01:37AM For those of you who would have liked to reply to this message but couldn't because there was no topic title... there is now and you may proceed!

re: Powerless over alcohol - posted by Gilly on 05/31 12:10PM I started going to AA Meetings in 1987 and didn't get sober until 1990. The horsemen were my constant companions. I can remember getting relief by going to meetings and listening to others that talked my language. They did all the things I had done and were doing to try to manage life. They were like me; they hated themselves for what how they had lived but somehow had dignity back in there lives and could look at people without being scared. I wouldn't intend to but I would start a fight wherever I went. Something I said or did always came out wrong and upset others. There lives changed, my life has changed and your life can change.

re: Powerless over alcohol - posted by blank on 05/31 01:24PM I asked God to keep me sober all day yesterday and started my day today by doing the same. I have two young children with me right now and the only other thing that I asked for this morning during my prayer time, was for the help to serve them gracefully today. Funny, I feel much better and have had enough energy to do some light house work before they woke up, made them breakfast, and now we're getting ready to go swimming. As they swim, I'll read some AA literature and then we'll come in and go to church tonight. I know it sounds like I may be getting ahead of myself as far as a schedule goes, but just for today, I would like to do the right thing. I'm planning on going to a meeting in the morning and at lunch tomorrow, and hopefully I can't get some time in with my sponsor tonight. We'll see. I really want to be sober, happy and free. Right now, I can honestly say, I never want to wake up feeling like that again. It was horrible. It's like I've had a sufficient amount of energy and ADEQUACY (which I haven't had in long, long time) to just do the quiet daily duties and what these children have asked of me so far this morning. For the last 6 months - 1 year, every day I start out with some sort of plan and all that really ends up happening is mass confusion and then a nap. Nothing gets done, I can't follow through with anything, and then I just have to lay down and go to sleep. It's crazy but true. I realize the day isn't over and it's one day at a time, but so far today, it's been a nice and normal morning. Ya know, I've been praying for some time now to be shown what it is that I need to do to get better - forgetting to ask Him to keep me sober and really, not even thinking it was necessary. I mean, since I wasn't drinking every day, week or even every month, I thought I was okay for the most part. I guess I kept thinking that I was going to make some big decision to get back into AA again and things I would be fine. Not so much. I can't help but think that maybe I'm being shown grace, mercy and the truth about myself and the power of God and AA again. I don't know, but I know I prayed for a really long time Friday morning and asked him to help me serve others. Then I ended up drunk. I'm not saying that me getting drunk was part of his plan, but I do know that it happened and all the old symptoms and horror's came right back. I was just as ugly as I was years ago before I ever came to AA. It was insane. I really want to be a mother and normal person in society. I can't as long as I'm drinking. And without God and AA, I really don't have the capacity or ability to pull it off. I need his grace and that's all there is to it - That is something that I'm pretty sure of at this point. Thank you very much for your response.

re: Powerless over alcohol - posted by Paul M on 05/31 08:05PM AA suggests the 12 steps. They are beautiful and have worked for so many people... but not all. Sometimes I wonder why some people are freed without hardly trying and others work so hard only to find themselves drunk again. And then I'm reminded that sobriety is a gift. It isn't earned or merited. You can't do the right thing, work hard enough or otherwise go get it. It simply comes when it is right. I find magic in the 2nd step, but this step is not one I know how to 'work.' It appears more to be something that happens to you, the inevitable result of realizing you're a drunk is to go to AA and therein is step 2 -- call it your last gasp or your first hope. In the 12&12 it talks in step 2 about opening yourself up so that the Grace of God can enter and expel the obsession. It talks about service and something beyond polite politics but it can't actually tell you how to get it. And in there somewhere is the magic part ...and in spiritual things the magic almost always comes back to love. I think of my wife telling me 'do what you want, honey' and in black and white that sounds good. But if you're standing there you know by the tone and inflection, the body language and more... whether it comes from the heart or the mind. And when it comes from the mind I almost want to run for my life. This is the same with the 'service' we all talk about. If there's no love in it we actually scare the crap out of people and they don't want to be 'serviced' just so we can buy sobriety. I'm going the long way around to just say that what I think the magic part of all this is, what I think makes the difference whether you do it right or not, is the genuine concern for Him and by proxy His people. When this kind of thinking struck me I began to see all of AA's steps so, so differently. Maybe you could too.

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While we hope that all our guests share their experience as it relates to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, we remind everyone that the contents of these message strings are strictly personal opinions of the authors. When in doubt about the nature of statements made please consult the Big Book and other AA reference materials... our motto: "If its not in the book, it doesn't count." Thank you all for sharing.