The Barflies Message Board

Welcome to the Barflies Group Message Board. We encourage all alcoholics to share their experience, strength and hope in a way that is conducive to AA’s primary purpose, which is to stay sober and help other alcoholics achieve sobriety.

PLEASE NOTICE: the Barflies Group maintains the right to block disruptive users and delete posts/replies that do not support our primary purpose as stated above or that we deem harmful to alcoholics. We truly want this board to be yet one more way for alcoholics to help one another, and we want it to be a safe place to go, should the need arise. With that said, we will do all we possibly can to maintain the integrity of the board.

[ Signup for the Board | Edit Your Account | Homegroup Member Login | Recover Passwords ]

24 members are currently monitoring the board. | Your IP address: 38.107.191.116

The real me - posted by Pile of Coathangers at 05/19 01:34PM I was talking with my sponsor last night hashing out a couple things that had been on my mind when we got to talking about who I really am. I guess I have to admit that I am pretty much a self-serving asshole. Everything I do seem to have strings attached one way or another. Sitting around feeling sorry for myself because the world doesn't treat me right has become second nature. When I was out drinking or "in the program" I am like the director in "How it works". When the cast or ballet does not perform up to my standards I become increasingly gracious in order to get things done my way. Hell, sitting here typing this post I'm thinking about what I can get out of it. So I guess any grace I receive from my HP is far better than what I truly deserve. In consideration of my past deeds involving my family, friends, ,ex-girlfriends, employers and most anybody I've been in contact with I'm pretty damn sure I am getting off pretty damned easy. Shit, when I consider the strife some have to face from day to day I'm really blessed with my pissy little problems.

re: The real me - posted by Pile of Coathangers on 05/19 01:55PM Oh yea, any suggesttions on things i can do to become less selfcentered. I pray several times during the day asking my HP how can i be of maximum service to Him and my fellow man. Hell, I don't know.

re: The real me - posted by kvet on 05/19 02:21PM I too have been struggling with playing director. I have been wearing that hat a lot lately at work and at home. I find that I play director the most when my comfort zone is threatened. Instead of facing the issue at hand or my feelings, I try to control people, places and things. When my effotrs fail, which they always do, I blame whoever or whatever I'm trying to control. Then, I throw myself a big pity party. The only thing that seems to get me back on track is prayer and service, which, for me, are really hard to do when I'm in the middle of feeling sorry for myself. But, because I've experienced the peace that prayer and service brings, I know I have to try them once again. I just wish the time inbetween these episodes of complete selfishness would grow shorter because getting on and off this horse is exhausting.

re: The real me - posted by gilly on 05/19 03:11PM I'm a self-serving asshole also. I was reading some messages from old friends from back home last night and fealt like a shmuck. I had a desire to post a string to re-establish some friendships but could not think of anything to post. The reason why is probably because I could not immediatley gain anything-- frikin selfish. One big challange for me is being honest. Because my social and security instincts are so twisted, i have to filter what I disclose to people so they will have a certain perception of me. Shit, it took me several tries before I could even reply to this post! If my dependance is on a HP then I can be myself and not worry. In order to get there, i have to practice and slowly I develop a sense of faith that I will be taken care of. It works...when I first started this job I could not hardly talk with anybody or go on any staff lunches of functions; I was so freaked. I would just run off with hurt fealings instead if enjoying people's company. Today, I can & do participate.

POST REPLY: Please submit your experience, strength and/or hope as it relates to the program of AA below.

[ Signup for the Board | Edit Your Account | Homegroup Member Login | Recover Passwords ]

While we hope that all our guests share their experience as it relates to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, we remind everyone that the contents of these message strings are strictly personal opinions of the authors. When in doubt about the nature of statements made please consult the Big Book and other AA reference materials... our motto: "If its not in the book, it doesn't count." Thank you all for sharing.