The Barflies Message Board

Welcome to the Barflies Group Message Board. We encourage all alcoholics to share their experience, strength and hope in a way that is conducive to AA’s primary purpose, which is to stay sober and help other alcoholics achieve sobriety.

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what do I do now - posted by blank at 05/12 06:44PM I just want to throw this out there…. I am struggling with participating on a really basic level right now. Holding a job – (shit, even consistently looking for a job), being a mother, a member of AA, etc. I get so mixed up inside trying to figure out what I want to do or what I need to do that I can’t do anything. It’s literally exhausting. I make these “To Do” lists that are good and seem to be productive plans for myself and my life, but I can’t seem to get one thing done. I end up drinking 20 cups of coffee, smoking 100 cigarettes, and then I take a nap. Then when I wake up, I think, tomorrow is going be different and I’m going to start working out too. Nothing changes and it’s become utterly ridiculous. I feel so hopeless and helpless. So now, my only hope for today is that God wants to stay sober and help others. I’m hoping that if I stay sober, help other people, and try to live as he would have me live, then the other stuff will work itself out? I’m hoping that opportunities will come and I’ll be healthy and brave enough not only to accept, but to continue on if it’s right for me and my life. I have made such a mess trying to find good things for my life and make myself happy. It’s crazy. This is not directed towards “pile of coat hangers” but it is literally where I’m at right now. It’s a point of desperation and hopelessness. It’s basically what comes to mind when I beg God to help me every day. I feel like he says “stay sober and help someone.” It’s the message that I’ve gotten the last 2-3 days anyway. Everything else that I’ve tried to do turns out to be meaningless. If I could only stay sober, help other people, and live a good life long enough to where all the other things aren’t meaningless, that would really be great. I do believe that could possibly, one day, end up be a fruit of staying sober for a longer period of time, but for now, all I can do today is get to an AA meeting and maybe try to put someone else ahead of myself. I’ve never been so desperate to just do that before. I’ve always had so many other plans and ideas and now, after everything is gone and has failed, I am left with nothing else to try. We’ll shall see.

re: what do I do now - posted by Jules on 05/12 09:36PM I'm still thinking about drinking that much coffee and smoking that much......makes me want to nap right now. I still do that. Is that wrong? I kid. I'm not sure why I've never found that in the literature. It seems like quite a few drunks I've met have experienced that at some time or another. I do know that every time I've been forced to practice the principles of AA it's turned out pretty cool. I don't mean perfect, but different than I could've imagined and better. I keep thinking about being forced to rely on the Higher Power, literally forced through repeated pain of putting my dependence on others instead of God. These repeated occurances never started out with a good feeling, but through the pain brought me closer to God. So, I guess I'm trying to say that "nothing else to try" may not be such a bad thing.

re: what do I do now - posted by Pile of Coathangers on 05/12 10:41PM I know how you feel. That is the whole point of my username which is short for FUCKED UP as a pile of coathangers. I have been working hard on spirituality and the the steps and at times I have delusions of making progress, lol. Then suddenly, out of the blue, I get bitch slapped by reality. Something I heard today helps put things in perspective for me. It's easy for me to have spirituality and enjoy life when everything is going my way, but when I am in the deepest of my despair and still realize that my higher power is there guiding me to something better makes it more rewarding. I can't believe right now that I am saying that because I am miserable, but its true. I hope I made since, lol. My english skills suck, lol! About 90% of the things I planned to do this evening didn't pan out and my ex-girlfriends truck is parked out in front of an apartment at my complex. Oh, what the alcoholic mind can conjure up. Believe me when I say that for a drunk like me that would be an engraved invitation for me to drink. I haven't yet and I am planning on going to sleep in the next few minutes. God is surely doing for me what I cannot do for myself. No need for anyone to wish great pain on me because I'm working through some right now.

re: what do I do now - posted by kah on 05/13 10:16AM There is a part in the 7th step in the 12 & 12 where it talks about when I begin to see the same degree of humility being required in all the other areas of my life as what was required to get sober, that this is "unbeleivably painful". To realize that I was going to need the HP for everything was stunningly painful. My pride wanted me to beleive there were certainly some things I should be able to just do. Like function. There have been times where I have been in just complete and utter turmoil and would remember this part in the 7th step. It would almost be a like a flashing sign saying "if you are in this much pain, you are on the right path". However it does not stop there. Thank God. This pain is what drove me to pray, to work all of the steps, to abandon myself to a higher power as I understood him. I certainly never did shit out of virtue or because it sounded like a good idea. This pain was the price of admission to a new life. A life I would not trade for anything. This kind of pain changed the question. All of a sudden the question is no longer "what do I want, what are my plans, etc?" It becomes "what does God want from me?" I love the part right before the steps in the book where it says "we stood at a turning point, we asked his protection and care and these are the steps we took which are suggested as a program of recovery" Pain brings me to a turning point, I say a prayer and ask his protection and care and these are the steps.... Over time, I have become, here goes: grateful, that things have not panned out the way I wanted them to all the time. I would have so sold God and AA short. I never have that perspective in the middle of the storm though. It comes in time. I can't remember the last day I could not get out of bed and face the day. I truly can't remember. But the first couple of years I was sober, it happened frequently. I kept coming to AA, trying to read the literature, made efforts to work the steps, not even great efforts, tried to be useful, etc. and slowly but surely something changed. One other thing I can offer is there have been many times I have started my day with the "on awakening...." part in the book. I still try to remember to say the prayer in there BEFORE I start making my plans for the day. The prayer that says BEFORE we begin to plan our day, we ask the HP to guide and direct our thoughts and actions...... I don't always remember to do this, but man when I do, it does seem to set the stage of beginning my day with a bit of humility in asking HP to take over before I start working on my present agenda. Truly hope you find some peace.

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While we hope that all our guests share their experience as it relates to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, we remind everyone that the contents of these message strings are strictly personal opinions of the authors. When in doubt about the nature of statements made please consult the Big Book and other AA reference materials... our motto: "If its not in the book, it doesn't count." Thank you all for sharing.