The Barflies Message Board

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What do I do now - posted by Pile of Coathangers at 05/12 12:03PM Its kind of funny how immediately after working thru or letting go of something my mind creates another horrible catastrophe that is certain to occur, lol. I haven't been sober for to long this go around, but have changed a lot of things I do. I definitely feel more spiritual! Even with a closer relationship with my higher power and working the program I feel like I'm in a "cocoon" as far as being a part of society. These days I feel like I want to get out and participate in life, but just don't know where to begin.

re: What do I do now - posted by Jules on 05/12 02:33PM It's funny how drunks always set out to do things, at least I do. Tomorrow, I will start working out, pay all my bills, take vitamins, clean house, take the dog to the vet for that check up, etc. In my experience, I haven't been able to just do these things, that includes participating. This is not to say that I haven't been able to participate, but only saying that I when I've been able to do it, it hasn't been because I've mustered (yes, I said muster)the willingness to do it on my own. Man, if I could've only done that, I never would've had such a problem participating in life. I always wanted to! Over time, I look back and noticed I could participate here and there. I don't know how it happened! When I tried to put others' needs ahead of my own, the Higher Power seemed to grace me with this cool stuff like being able to participate like normal people do everyday. It was almost like the moment I forgot how bad I wanted to participate, I was able to participate. I hope that makes sense. For a drunk like me, I want everything now. That didn't happen for me. It's been little by little. There has definitely been progress in my life, especially in the participation arena, but I still struggle with it too. It's just not as crippling as it used to be, as of 1:32pm, Tuesday, May 12. Of course, the day ain't over yet.

re: What do I do now - posted by Pile of Coathangers on 05/12 03:01PM Yea, I know what you mean. I'm the worlds worst about making life changing resolutions and never following thru with them. Then I get pissed at myself for not doing it. Guess that's all part of trudging down the road of happy destiny. Just got a shit load more energy I need to burn off these days.

re: What do I do now - posted by Jules on 05/12 03:16PM I know about the energy. It's either all or nothing. For what it's worth, today I have completely detailed the auto. Waiting for wax to dry now.....how's that for burning off energy. I know it's not written in our literature, but there's something to be said about calming some of my deviant instincts when I just plum wear myself out. Fear either drives me or I'm paralized by it. Today, I think I'm driven. I can't really tell because now I'm so damn tired:) Next, I'm washing clothes. I don't really want to but trying to be useful as a house lady while the husband's out putting the roof over my head:( This is where an outsider can see my selfishness. It makes more sense to be useful first and then play outside. Not me! Me first, you second. Now I need to pray........

re: What do I do now - posted by sky on 05/12 03:31PM I feel like I hid out in AA for the first 2 1/2 years I was sober because sitting still with a cup of coffee was about the best I could do outside of going to work. When I finally got sober, I was so excited because I was going to do everything I had failed to do while I was drinking. I was going to go to the gym every other day, and yoga on the days that I didn't go to the gym. Meetings every day. I was going to get REALLY INVOLVED in my church -- even though I didn't actually HAVE a church. I was going to train my dog and make homemade dog food. And take knitting lessons so I could start a small cottage industry of fine, funky knitted items. Oh, and I was going to either remarry my ex-husband or find someone new and start a family. Meanwhile, I had trouble making a sandwich for myself and I struggled just to get out of the door without toothpaste on my clothes and face. And the dog continued to bark at the mailman and random strangers. A lot of my ego deflation at depth came in sobriety as I tried and failed at ALL of those things. In a lot of ways, I participated in the world far better than I really deserved to...I had a lot damage to repair and skills I needed to learn/relearn. So I had to settle for the basics for a while...AA, work, pet care... Slowly a lot of the things I wanted have been added into my life. It's usually different than it used to be...there are no huge resolutions, no rockets, but I might think, "I want to try this or try that..." And if I'm able, I give it a shot. I keep thinking of the line in the book that says if my spiritual house is in order, I can go anywhere and do anything I want. I'm scared a lot of times. I've gotten involved in something that I've wanted to do for a long time, and it occasionally involves driving out of town to go to workshops...and means meeting new people who aren't drunks. It scares the crap out of me, as much as I want to be involved. Plenty of times, I've waited til the last minute to decide to go and talked to my sponsor or other people on the phone on the way there and the way back. As I get more involved with the world outside of AA, I find that the principle of seeing what I can bring to a situation instead of what I can take is pretty much the same.

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While we hope that all our guests share their experience as it relates to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, we remind everyone that the contents of these message strings are strictly personal opinions of the authors. When in doubt about the nature of statements made please consult the Big Book and other AA reference materials... our motto: "If its not in the book, it doesn't count." Thank you all for sharing.