The Barflies Message Board

Welcome to the Barflies Group Message Board. We encourage all alcoholics to share their experience, strength and hope in a way that is conducive to AA’s primary purpose, which is to stay sober and help other alcoholics achieve sobriety.

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Morning Bliss! - posted by Pile of Coathangers at 05/05 08:45AM Have you ever felt like in spite of everything you do to grow spiritually everything is going to shit and the world hates you? I'd just have soon staying in bed this morning!

re: Morning Bliss! - posted by jules on 05/05 09:57AM It's hard to grow spiritually. I'm glad that the Higher Power helps me to do that, otherwise, I'm royally screwed when I try to do it alone. I keep thinking of something a friend has said, "sometimes we're asked to suffer." Lately, I am constantly reminding that I'm supposed to try to put others' needs ahead of my own and that is the biggest challenge for an alcoholic like myself. I was praying for that a couple of hours ago. It's so easy to make the "to do" list in the morning and only list all things Julie. So, in a way, when I hit these spiritual speed bumps, I am forced to stop and come back to the Higher Power for guidance and His Grace. Without that, I am nothing. It is especially hard when I am suffering from the loneliness the original poster stated about the world hating them. It has been in these dark hours that I am forced to put my dependence on the Higher Power and not on people, which I do so often. Pain, Pain, Pain........something about spiritual growth, but I forget:)

re: Morning Bliss! - posted by Pile of Coathangers on 05/05 10:54AM You are absolutely right. Its difficult wanting to let go of things when you think you need it and all the while knowing that God has other plans for you. The idea of starting over or starting anew is something I'm faced with everyday because I know I have to change in order for God's will to come into effect. The pain and misery I'm going thru is a direct consequence of my relunctance and fear of change. Went to a meeting last night and the topic was how sobriety saved their famalies, urghh!

re: Morning Bliss! - posted by jules on 05/05 11:06AM urghh is right! Why would a newcomer care about my family??? If I could've gotten sober for my family, that might actually be worth discussing:)

re: Morning Bliss! - posted by Paul M on 05/05 11:09AM For years I woke up every morning and my heart was racing... for no real reason. Only after taking time to get coffee and read some meditations did I calm down and get real perspective on the day. Then I would see that everything wasn't going to turn out badly and I knew that so long as I spent time trying to help people it really didn't matter if they hated me.

re: Morning Bliss! - posted by Pile of Coathangers on 05/05 11:27AM The good advice you don't want to hear! I have to admit I'm feeling better about things. Read thru how it works.

re: Morning Bliss! - posted by Gilly on 05/05 12:15PM The way I feel doesn't always dictate what I do; shit, I wanted to stay in bed the whole week! hahaha For most of my life fear has caused me to act a certain way or another. Last night, I thought my world was going to end and it scared the shit out of me. Today, I think that 'my world' isn't all that great. Taking the time this morning to do something for someone else changed my thinking.

re: Morning Bliss! - posted by Pile of Coathangers on 05/05 12:55PM I have had "look where you can be of maximum service to God and your fellow" drilled in to my head. I'm trying harder to practice that daily, but sometimes I just don't know where to start. Just like on the other string it is easy to get confused about motives and what God wants. Hell, I know that God is my refuge and he hss carried me this far, but so has my free will and I have made quite a mess of things over the years!

re: Morning Bliss! - posted by skutt on 05/05 02:02PM The first couple years that I was sober I woke up 30 out of 31 days full of fear and depression and self loathing. It crippled me to the point of not being able to go to class or just do simple grocery shopping. There were so many mornings that full of discouragement I would wonder if sobriety was worth it. I felt awful and no matter what I did, or didn't do, I continued to feel like poop in the morning. I would "pray" - I would stare out my window - I would beg God - I would call my sponsor. I think I even did a "fear" inventory once or twice. Isn't that the magic question anyway - what are you scared of? It seemed most of that was to no avail. On the big picture - I didn't drink and that was what AA promised. But, underneath, I wanted more. I saw other people participating and laughing and having a sense of freedom about who they were and what the wore and where they worked and what the drove. I didn't have any of that. One day I asked my sponsor specifically when it would go away. And she asked me if I was going to drink if it didn't. Well, fuck you too~! But, underneath I knew I didn't want to drink and I could persevere if I needed to. The funny thing is that by around 11:00 a.m. most of it had passed and I was out in the world. Underneath the strong exterior was a very fucked up scared person but the fact that I was out in the world without any alcohol in me was proof that AA worked. Several months after that conversation with my sponsor - maybe even 9-10 months later, it dawned on me that I hadn't woken up feeling like that in a long time. Like months. I couldn't even remember when it had slipped away. That gnawing sensation in my stomach, that sense of impending doom, that feeling that I am a square peg, will always be a square peg and hate the round hole was gone. Funnier still - I never saw it leave. I didn't stand on my head and do the dance or say some special prayer - God saw my perseverance and it was just time. I still wake up with it - but not like then. Once we have gone through something to that depth - we are never asked to return to that depth or that duration again. It will come back - but you will have your own hope and your own experience in addition to the love and support of many drunks that have trudged the road before you. We wish you great pain.

re: Morning Bliss! - posted by Sky on 05/05 02:52PM Somewhere around the year mark of my sobriety, I looked around and didn't know what I was doing sober. I didn't want to drink but when I looked at the consequences of my drinking and my decisions, I really, really wanted to hit the "play again" button on my life. I would wake up at 4 in the morning some mornings hardly able to breathe from the fear. I'd make coffee and watch for the clock to turn 5. I felt so pathetic, but somehow after 5 seemed less fucked up than before 5. Like after 5, I'm just a really early riser, before 5, though...CRAZY!!! So I would try to wait as long as I could before I called my sponsor. Talking to her would usually loosen up everything enough that I could call somebody else. Then I'd take a shower and talk to a couple of other people before I actually got in to work. I remember being just struck with paralysis over what to do with myself. I was going to work and functioning, I was going to meetings, but there were still these hours to fill. I just didn't really know what to do with myself. I knew I had to be willing to serve, and usually I was, but there still seemed to be these gaps where I'd just get consumed with self-loathing and fear. My sponsor reminded me of a devotion we both read that talked about 'quiet duties.' At first, it sent me into a deeper, darker tailspin because I lived alone - no man, no children -and I couldn't begin to see what quiet duties there might be for me. But eventually I was able to come around to the idea that if I wake up in the morning and offer myself to God, I can go about my day with some assurance that I'm doing what I'm supposed to do, even if it's as mundane as driving to work, washing dishes, walking the dogs, feeding the cat, answering the phone, having coffee with a friend, balancing my checkbook, etc. as long as I am willing to serve. Sure there are times when I worry that I'm not doing enough or not going out of my way to help drunks. And usually when I'm worried about that, it's true! And then I have to find a way to recommitt or redouble my efforts. I don't usually get to wake up and decide "HEY!! I think I'll grow spiritually today." It happens when it happens, and it usually happens when I'm going about the business of my quiet duties. This morning I struggled to get moving. I had a second cup of coffee and it dawned on me that in the morning my insides are much quieter ON AVERAGE than they used to be--- i have ups and downs like always ---but like Skutt said, I can't tell you when it happened.

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While we hope that all our guests share their experience as it relates to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, we remind everyone that the contents of these message strings are strictly personal opinions of the authors. When in doubt about the nature of statements made please consult the Big Book and other AA reference materials... our motto: "If its not in the book, it doesn't count." Thank you all for sharing.