The Barflies Message Board

Welcome to the Barflies Group Message Board. We encourage all alcoholics to share their experience, strength and hope in a way that is conducive to AA’s primary purpose, which is to stay sober and help other alcoholics achieve sobriety.

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re: pride - posted by lost at 05/04 12:27PM Can selfishness hide behind helpful actions? Is it bad to try to help someone with the thought of getting something in return? I do want to help others but sometimes i just get twisted. It seems like if i try to help with strings attached and I don't get what I want after, I try to punish the person. So, one minute I am helping the next minute I am hurting; depending on whether I get what I want or not.

re: re: pride - posted by Paul M on 05/04 12:38PM Seems like you've answered your own question - when strings are attached it gets twisted and you end up hurting. Helping with strings is how we've approached it all our lives - we're trying now to help and enjoy the good spiritual feeling and dignity of it. Remember that with God in your life your needs will be taken care of as they should be so you can be free to put other's needs ahead of yours.

re: re: pride - posted by Sage Of St. Francisville on 05/04 01:19PM I can tell you from my experience that when helping others hoping they do some specific thing in return such as being nice to the wife and thinking the reward will be sex always disappoints me. Then I end up mad or feeling used when in reality my motives were off. On the other hand, helping because you believe it is the higher powers will and that your reward will be peace and loss of self is correct even if you believe your getting something spiritual in return. In other words, your help is not contingent on the other’s actions in response to your helping them out but rather on the personal spiritual reward you gain. This is completely different than the barter system I setup for most of my life and operated by as the drove the car into the ditch.

re: re: pride - posted by lost on 05/05 11:59AM I just can't get rid of those motives no matter how twisted my relationships get or how miserable I feel. Sometimes I see them sometimes I dont; they move in and then move out... I'll try some meditation to set my day in the right direction. Thanks

re: re: pride - posted by jules on 05/05 12:12PM This is a particularly tough area for drunks. Like Sage said about being nice to the wife and hoping for sex in return, I think about my strings with helping people. They're everywhere. I can be useful if in return you like me, tell others how wonderful I am, etc. My mother did this to me not too long ago and I forgot how bad it is on the other side of it. She tried to do something nice, yet overstepped, and I hesitated. I told her, "I don't know what to say." She replied, "you could say thank you." That's right folks, the demand thank you. Unbelievable! Then I realized that I do this all the time:( I do it, but just don't always demand out loud my thanks, but I do want it. I asked a friend of mine a few years ago about trying to be useful. I asked her if I was being useful because I was fucked up, then was it useful or selfish because I wanted to feel better. I think these two examples might go hand in hand. I am hurting because of my being nice with strings attached and then forced to be useful to get out of self if only to feel better. Wow, thinking about that makes my head spin. I think if our motives are right then the Higher Power will give us what we need. I usually have to pray about the motives. I need to be rid of self. Serving helps that along and makes it possible for serving to be a joy to do eventually. What can I bring instead of what can I get? That could be the question de jour.

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While we hope that all our guests share their experience as it relates to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, we remind everyone that the contents of these message strings are strictly personal opinions of the authors. When in doubt about the nature of statements made please consult the Big Book and other AA reference materials... our motto: "If its not in the book, it doesn't count." Thank you all for sharing.