The Barflies Message Board

Welcome to the Barflies Group Message Board. We encourage all alcoholics to share their experience, strength and hope in a way that is conducive to AA’s primary purpose, which is to stay sober and help other alcoholics achieve sobriety.

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thinking out loud maybe - posted by blank at 11/12 11:05AM I’m so and so, and I’m an alcoholic. I have been battling alcoholism since I was a teenager. It’s been such a mind fuck to say the least. All the countless attempts to drink gracefully and just be a normal in that respect have proved to be failures-OBVIOUSLY. I came to AA before my life was a total mess thinking that if I just read up on this thing and went to a meeting here in there, I would be okay. I think I read for 2-3 weeks and attended about 2-3 meetings. Ultimately, alcohol beat me into a state of willingness to concede to my innermost self that I was powerless over a drink. I also knew and understood without a shadow of a doubt that I did in fact have an allergy to alcohol. My life had almost been destroyed by the hair of my chin, chin, chin, and it seemed like an impossible task to be able to work through it and come out better in the end. I did the deal, went to meetings, tried to help people, tried to pay my bills on time, held a job as best as I could, prayed to be a better mother, asked God to remove the obsession daily and help me to not drink. I worked the steps numerous times or at least thought I did, and had a sponsor. I had a true desire to get better and be okay. Just an honest desire to never drink again. Always miserable, sad, lonely, and broke, I could not see the miracle working inside of me. A couple of times during those few years that I was sober, I felt “free” as the book describes. It was a wonderful feeling, but my self-pity and discontentment always took me right back to a state of misery in sobriety. I was envious of others and what they seemed to be getting from this life. All I ever wanted was to have a good life and to be a good person. Never once did I set my aim or goal in life at being a flake, criminal, mistress, etc. It just kind of happened. I know that I’m responsible for my actions. I remember my friend telling me all the time, “we judge ourselves by our intentions, and the world judges us by our actions.” It was hard to do the right thing and hard to live a good life at times; however, I did not or could not see nor feel the power of God working in my life. Maybe I did the wrong things in AA trying to stay sober. I know I did. I ended up quitting not only AA, but my friends who had become such a vital part of my life. Walked away from a life that “seemed” to be so permanent at the time-almost as if I had never even known them. For about 6 months, I did not go to AA and I did not drink. I was however, smoking pot-I guess I was using it to treat my alcoholism. Then the day came when I did drink. I didn’t get drunk and when my head started to feel light, I actually pushed it away. I think it scared the shit out of me to be totally honest. Nevertheless, because I was able to push it away or drink gracefully on that particular occasion, I thought maybe something had changed perhaps. Still somewhat convinced that I was an alcoholic, I did not drink again for another period of time-was really surprised that I wasn’t counting the days as to how long it had been or the desire to do it again. The next time, I was successful again. Not wanting it the next day or having the horseman chasing me. I couldn’t really understand the change, but I was really digging it to be honest. Anyway, I decided that I was going to live without AA or a higher power. Once I met someone who I fell in love with, I quit praying instantly (even before I quit AA) because of the guilt over the situation. I felt ashamed and knew I was doing something that I shouldn’t. I couldn’t seem to stop it though. I have recently started to drink most week-ends and several times alone for no reason whatsoever, other than just because I had the urge to do so. I know the book refers to it as the obsession or the peculiar metal twist, and really, I know that’s what it is. Anyway, I am just now trying to come back to AA again. Slowly and humbly I guess, but I’ve been praying for the willingness. I read step one the other day, been reading the big book at night and in the mornings, and trying to just show up. I’ve made 2 meetings this week and am planning on going again today. Just really don’t want to drink-God, AA is really where I belong and I know that. I am truly “the real alcoholic” just as the book refers to us as being. God, or the higher power if you wish, was working in my life during those couple of years in sobriety. It was painful and I bailed. Couldn’t take it anymore and persevering was too much to endure maybe? I don’t know, I don’t have the answers-OBVIOUSLY! Anyway, I can remember the person inside that I was becoming or had become and it was so much better than who I am today. It’s great to have nice things and all, but I miss having a purpose, being honest about who and what I really am, being able to look the world in the eye, and living freely among my fellows. The book refers to the alcoholic as someone who will be locked up behind the gates of insanity or death unless they can quit drinking. Damn, that is so true. I know that is my destiny if I continue to drink.

re: thinking out loud maybe - posted by Paul M on 11/12 01:34PM I'm a tosspot and you're a black kettle. I think we would be good friends. Welcome back. I work with people that drink and can't stop, ever hoping the day will come that the magic will happen and they will become one of us, another true friend and consort. Someone who will step up from a state of needing help to join in the partnership of helping others. Someone who will relish the joy with me. I work with people that are truly victims of their perversions. The perversions are simply God given instincts that they're not using for the intended purpose. They are driven blindly to do things they don't want to do... and they can't stop. I understand. I fall prey to my own defects at times, and have struggled intensely with certain ones in the past. I am no saint. I'm saying all this because it sounds to me like you are afraid of being judged by all the tosspots in AA. It could be that a misguided few would actually condemn you because you were not living up to the perfect ideals that AAs aim for, but there are many more that do not hold you to such standards. I certainly have no right to. But perhaps that isn't what keeps you away. Your note attests to a yearning to have the dignity and grace that AA gives to fuckups like me so I'm thinking there is some very basic misunderstanding that is holding you back. Perhaps you want AA to be more than it is. So many wonderful things happen to people in AA that sometimes the true purpose of AA gets lost. It's simple, AA is only here to help you get and stay sober. The rest is tangential - the other wonderful things that happen are not the goal and most are not promised. No husband, home, job or picket fence to be sure. No standing in the community, no earthly thing that so many look to for happiness. In that light, can you say your 'discontentment' was with AA or just with your life. You were sober... so AA was working. Did AA, or God, cause you to be miserable sad, lonely and broke? You've already noted the great things that happen inside when you come to AA. The peace, freedom, dignity, sense of purpose, friends... and all this is still there. These are the things that make life bearable, and even happy, while we grapple with the less important issues of job and finances, and while we struggle to make peace with our instincts and defects. So I encourage you to stand as tall as the rest of us. Know that we're no better than you. Become one of us and let us be your friends as you struggle with these same worldly clamors we all struggle with. My heart goes out to you. PM

re: thinking out loud maybe - posted by gilly on 11/12 03:55PM You are not alone. I struggle with defects on a daily basis. Selfishness kicks my ass most days! The truth is that I have experienced progress in most areas of my life. When I first got sober it would take all I had to just get to work and put in an honest day. I still lied and cheated; was a generally useless person. I went to meetings and hated those that spoke of pink clouds and how their life was perfect when I was dying inside. My life was such a mess! There were a few that spoke of the tough times that I was attracted to, and not drinking through these tough times. They talked about who they really were! My defects are still there but they have been tempered because of my HP. Slowly I learn from my mistakes and because the friends in AA are understanding, I can always go back to them. I have tried many times to keep away from AA but something always drives me back. Believe me I understand wanting to leave! There are still many things in my life that have not been resolved and at times I am extremely jealous of the gifts others have received. I can use that experience of frustration to help others....that is a fantastic gift. Your story has helped me. It comforting to know that the doors are always open. No matter how long I have been away!

re: thinking out loud maybe - posted by blank on 11/12 04:03PM No, I think God was blessing me everyday w/sobriety. I think AA had given me a gift of hope and a lot more. I think that I was my worst enemy and full of self pity along with whatever else. I do not think that AA, God, or any of the fellow members did anything but lift me up. I miss being whole on the indside. I actually think I miss the act of STRIVING for perfection. Not that I was EVER perfect by any means, but I miss trying to do my best. I also feel like there was something inside of me that is now lost. Like a whole in my sole or something. That may be strong verbage, but I think you get the point. Something is missing.

re: thinking out loud maybe - posted by Sky on 11/12 04:10PM We all got here from barrooms and alleys and back porches. Welcome back. When I got sober my life was wrecked. I hadn't lost everything, but what I had was either broken, twisted or filthy. AA gave me the hope that I could stop drinking and that if I persevered I could have a better life. That sliver of hope was enough to keep me coming to AA. I wish there was something profound I could say, but, most of what I've gotten has come just from showing up no matter how I feel. It hasn't always been easy to look at myself, and it's mostly pretty slow, but when I've been willing to look at it, I've always come out on the other side with some relief and enough courage to keep walking. Along the way, I've met people who've been willing to hold my hand, feed me, listen to me...whatever I needed... You don't have to be ashamed or alone...we're all in this together.. Peace, SKY

re: thinking out loud maybe - posted by jules on 11/12 07:25PM I bounced in and out of AA for a few years before landing back here . It was a rough road, and by the time I came back, I was broken. I couldn't even hold my head up in meetings and no longer knew what dignity was. I knew people in AA from previous attempts and was humiliated that I couldn't/wouldn't stick around. I say "couldn't" because I couldn't stay sober and "wouldn't" because I wouldn't stick around long enough to try over and over. I would just disappear for a while each time out. A great deal of damage had been done in those six years bouncing in and out, and people in AA weren't excluded from my train wreck. I sometimes think I was more humiliated from that than the fact that I couldn't stop drinking. I figured these people were alcoholic and the inability to get sober seemed more acceptable:) Plus, did I mention the lack of dignity?? Well, that coupled with incredible ego. Go figure. My whole point is that none of these AA's ever told me to fuck off when I came back. There was this genuine desire to be there for me as I struggled to get sober. These are the same people that I now call friends today, not just "fellow AA's". See, we're not all that different. I haven't had to drink since that last time I came back. My life isn't perfect, but I can look in the mirror and not want to die. I also have a purpose in life as well, one that never even existed before. I certainly hope to meet you in these rooms soon. Until then, welcome back:)

re: thinking out loud maybe - posted by KAH on 11/13 11:39AM I have read over the initial post many times in the last day or so. The pain in that post has touched me deeply and I understand it so well. I prayed and asked the higher power to show my how I could help here. What came to me was to let you know that you are not alone. You don't have to be. You don't have to take a drink again. I keep thinking about an old timer who used to talk about alcholics being "lonely and love-starved people". How true that is. Sometimes, even sober, I have felt that way. For fuck's sake, I feel that way right now. Yet, by the grace of a higher power, I have not taken a drink and I know that if I stick close to AA and God, this too shall pass. The blessing of AA, besides not drinking, was meeting and becoming friends with people who felt that way too sometimes, who struggled like I did and then realizing that all of that could actually help somebody. Brothers in our defects. I could not help but think back to when I got sober and this woman telling me that if I came here and tried to do what AA suggested, my life would work out beyond my wildest dreams. Oh, the promise that filled me with. I was going to get a man, and money and live in a big house, etc. That is clearly not what she said, but shallow as I was, all I could see was "I will finally get what I want". So many misconceptions. It took a long time to realize that my life did work out BEYOND my wildest dreams and continues to. The tangibles that I wanted were all that my finite little mind could wrap itself around and dream about. I knew nothing of peace, dignity, humility, having a purpose, etc. Those are the things that came in time, that were priceless and beyond anything I could have ever imagined or dreamed about. They came from being sober and trying to live a spiritual life, from trying to see what I could offer this world, not would could I get from it. Do not get me wrong, I am one of those drunks that has struggled to some degree or another since I have been here. Some of us just do. Those struggles have been what have pushed me to AA whether I wanted to be here or not. Those struggles are the thing that let me understand you so clearly. I often have felt that my drinking brought me here, but my defects have kept me here. There is not one area of my life where I have not failed to live up to what I beleived in or those perfect spiritual principles AA teaches us about. I have failed in every area, some of them, over and over again. One of the coolest things about AA and the people I met here was learing about a God that loved me NO MATTER WHAT I had done. What a miracle to find out that if I was willing to help others, those things I had done and still do on occasion, could help save someone's life. I have mentally walked away from AA a thousand times and physically a few times as well. Yet, at the end of the day, more than I want some of those tangible things, I want not to die an alcholic death. It is my greatest hope that you come back to us and let us help you. You do not have to drink again and you do not have to be alone. It can all change in the twinkling of an eye. You are in my prayers. Peace to you.

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While we hope that all our guests share their experience as it relates to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, we remind everyone that the contents of these message strings are strictly personal opinions of the authors. When in doubt about the nature of statements made please consult the Big Book and other AA reference materials... our motto: "If its not in the book, it doesn't count." Thank you all for sharing.