The Barflies Message Board

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Friends Out Drinking - posted by klewisunf at 05/17 04:47PM I have had friends go back out and drink in AA, but it feels different this time. My husband and I have a group of couples that we hang out with and 4 of the people decided they aren’t alcoholics. All these people met in AA and became friends. Over the years 2 of them tested the waters and came back to the program, but now they and a few more people have all made the decision that they are not alcoholic. It is really messing with me. I talked to some people when I initially found out and felt some peace, but every time I talk to them I get all messed up. Right now I am nauseous and on the verge of tears, because I realize I am kind of jealous. I start to questions myself, “If they aren’t drunks am I?” Ughhhh. I have never questioned myself before. Last night I went to dinner at my Mom’s house (in an area where I used to do a lot of ugly drinking) and I got a horrible craving. I tried to make some calls and no one picked up, so I just hung out with God. It passed. There have been some other things going on lately that probably contribute to this craving: I had a few surgeries (broke down and finally took some pain meds) and a few weeks ago, at a work social function, I was given the wrong drink at a restaurant and realized my drink was NOT a virgin Bloody Mary as requested. I go to meetings and I feel relief which is great. I don’t even think about a drink while I am there, but when I talk to my friends who have decided they aren’t alcoholic I feel all jacked up. I don’t even talk to these people very often and that is another thing. They are upset that we don’t hang out with them much now, because their response is, “If we don’t want to hang out with them now that they aren’t in AA, how good of a friend were we really?” That does make me kind of feel like shit. I mean if I have had a psychic change why should I be intolerant of people who drink? I have friends who drink, but they were never in AA, so it doesn’t bother me. It might be different if 1 of them started drinking, but 4 of them. I mean I want to save my own ass here! I just needed to get that out. I am at work and need to get back. I am going to go in the bathroom and say a prayer, buy some smokes, and then go talk to another alcoholic.

re: Friends Out Drinking - posted by jaime on 05/17 11:56PM Sometimes in meetings someone will bring up a topic and I'll be blank . . . I mean you would think after being sober for a while I could come up with some clever way to share my experience about the 100,000 things that have happened to me since I've been here that I haven't drank through. All the 100,000 events that I thought for sure were going to put me over the edge. It used to be when my car broke down. I was so poor that a $50 carburetor was enough to make me think about killing myself. The B I would get on a final that should have been an A would effect my pride and my self-esteem so much that I was sure I was never going to graduate and make my way in this life. I went down the emotional tubes quickly - all the time. The guy that dumped me at the convention in front of all his friends, the time I got fired, all the times I'd go to an AA meeting and regurgitate my day all over everyone and cry the whole way through. Everything that happened was painful and uncomfortable and in some way humiliating. I felt like people gathered the troops against me if I had a fight with one person, I couldn't walk across the room to get a cup of coffee b/c I knew everyone would look at me and whisper something horrible about me. Or, I'd be wearing something "hot" and feel all self-conscious for getting dressed up to go to a meeting and then feel so stupid on my way home, alone. Can you relate to any of this? Have I ever had 4 people / friends I know make some kind of decision to declare themselves problem drinkers? No, I haven't. But I know about torment, I know about wanting to drink or, being scared I was going to. I know about questioning my own alcoholism . . . try being 10 years sober and wondering if you were a real alcoholic. And not for a day, but for months . . quietly to yourself wondering if you were bona-fide. It's scary shit. I do know this though - we are asked to persevere. We are asked to have courage. We are asked to stand alone sometimes with our convictions while the rest of the world goes by groping for what they think is the goal in life. We are asked time and time again to investigate and ask questions and pray and read and pray some more. I found out I was a real drunk by the way. I remembered, at 10 years sober, the last few years I drank and all the countless vain attempts to prove to myself that I could drink like other people. I remembered again all the times I told myself I was only going to drink on Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays. I remember the countless times that I promised myself I'd go home at 7:00 when happy hour was over. That tomorrow I'd get up and go to work on time and be nice. That I'd pay my bills on time and not sleep with anyone anymore. I remembered all the promises I made to myself that I never kept. I remembered the horsemen. I had them every fucking morning. And I'd promise myself that I wasn't going to drink anymore but by 3:00, 4:00, 5:00 o'clock I'd be stopping at a store to pick something up. The 12th step in the 12X12 talks about God tempering us and redirecting us. You're probably familiar with that passage. It's a painful thing. We are stuck in the fire until we are hot enough for God to change our shape and remold us. we find that our old attitudes toward our instincts need to undergo drastic revisions. Our desires for emotional security and wealth, for personal prestige and power, for romance, and for family satisfactions - all these have to be tempered and redirected. We have learned that the satisfaction of instincts cannot be the sole end and aim of our lives. If we place instincts first, we have got the cart before the horse; we shall be pulled backward into disillusionment. But when we are willing to place spiritual growth first - then and only then do we have a real chance. So - our instincts for emotional security - that our friends approve (?) of us . . .that people think well of us . . . respect us . . . . . twist us - throw us out of joint. Spiritual growth is painful. And, not only that, when you are willing to place it first 'we have a real chance." One more quote and I'll shut up, I promise . . . How heartily we A.A.'s can agree with him, for we know that the pains of drinking had to come before sobriety, and emotional turmoil before serenity. All those 100,000 times life threw me a curve ball consistently did the same thing. They all pushed me to God and AA. I had no place else to go. I was never, not one time, disappointed or felt short changed. Not one time.

re: Friends Out Drinking - posted by klewisunf on 05/18 08:03AM Thank you, thank you. It is exactly what I needed to hear at almost 8 in the morning before I walk out the door for work. I felt good last night as I finally headed home around 11 PM. I hung with some drunks and even had a new guy invite us over so he could cook for us! We had a nice time and we talked about what I was going through. I saw my friends get serious, which was a relief. We didn't blow it off...we knew this is not something to take lightly and I actually felt like my pain helped them. My good friend who got sober with me, but relapsed and now has about 4 years sober again was shaken. She had never seen "me" like that....and honestly I haven't either. It was proof. Alcoholism is REAL. The entire situation prooved to me that I AM an alcoholic, I don't have to question that. I might want to at times, but I do remember the countless attempts and the horsemen. Once again pain is the touchstone......

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While we hope that all our guests share their experience as it relates to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, we remind everyone that the contents of these message strings are strictly personal opinions of the authors. When in doubt about the nature of statements made please consult the Big Book and other AA reference materials... our motto: "If its not in the book, it doesn't count." Thank you all for sharing.