The Barflies Message Board

Welcome to the Barflies Group Message Board. We encourage all alcoholics to share their experience, strength and hope in a way that is conducive to AA’s primary purpose, which is to stay sober and help other alcoholics achieve sobriety.

PLEASE NOTICE: the Barflies Group maintains the right to block disruptive users and delete posts/replies that do not support our primary purpose as stated above or that we deem harmful to alcoholics. We truly want this board to be yet one more way for alcoholics to help one another, and we want it to be a safe place to go, should the need arise. With that said, we will do all we possibly can to maintain the integrity of the board.

[ Signup for the Board | Edit Your Account | Homegroup Member Login | Recover Passwords ]

24 members are currently monitoring the board. | Your IP address: 38.107.191.118

Forgiveness of self? - posted by radaj at 07/06 02:06PM Forgiveness to be earned would be considered only properly exercised if forgiveness is requested or earned through means such as atonement, amends, restitution or sincere apology. Such forgiveness often requires some sort of promise that the offending act or behavior will not be repeated. Are we ever able to forgive ourselves for being an alcoholic; or more importantly are we suppose to? The idea of "forgive" and then as a result "forget"....is that too much of a luxury for people like us? I'm caught between the notion that if i hang on to the past (all of my misgivings); sooner or later my own resentments will get me drunk. Yet, if I forgive myself will I place too much of a distance between who I am now and who I used to be; thereby limiting my capacity to be of service to my fellow drunk?

re: Forgiveness of self? - posted by sky on 07/10 09:44PM Forgiveness requires two parties.

re: Forgiveness of self? - posted by Sage Of St. Francisville on 07/11 04:24PM Cleaning up wreckage of the past. I look back at what I have done to my family and still have pains of guilt and remorse. Perhaps I will one day see how the wreckage can be useful to another human being but I do not believe it is possible for me to forgive me (Similar to SKY). When I did the 4, 5, 6, and 7th step on some of my grosser handicaps, it was an attempt to identify things which caused me to struggle in the past and asked God to take me to better things. While I have not done step 8 / 9 with my ex-wife (Grosser Handicap), those which I have made amends with no longer cause me excessive amounts of anxiety to be around...well, most of the time. I do not think this is due to forgiveness I have granted myself; rather grace God has granted to me. The more I think about it the more I believe I am incapable of forgiveness of self in any form. Selfishness / Self Centeredness as the excuse for my behaviors are not virtuous reasons. This is where the Grace of a Higher Power has allowed me to live and granted me relief even though I am defective and make plenty of mistakes. Attempting to wake up and stay within that grace is where my relief comes from.

re: Forgiveness of self? - posted by sky on 07/11 07:18PM When I hear people say in meetings "i had to forgive myself," or "it took a long time for me to forgive myself," I believe that they are talking about the self-loathing that often (always for me) comes when I see some of the subtler, more devious of my defects. The way out of that self-loathing is working steps 5-9. I, too, have found relief from that self-loathing where I have made direct amends. There's one particular amend that I will not likely ever be able to make directly because of the harm it would cause others. Even though are times that I feel TREMENDOUS guilt and remorse over what I did, on most days now, I feel God's forgiveness. And I think that relief comes from having seen the complete and utter selfishness, self-centeredness and self-seeking impulses that drove me to do something even though I knew was absolutely wrong. Even though it's something that many people would say is unforgivable -- I might even feel it's unforgivable if it happened to me -- I am not plagued with the suicidal self-loathing I once felt. And the amazing thing is that even though it's something I did over and over and self-justified it constantly, I can't even IMAGINE ever going down that path again. Something has changed and it didn't come from me.

POST REPLY: Please submit your experience, strength and/or hope as it relates to the program of AA below.

[ Signup for the Board | Edit Your Account | Homegroup Member Login | Recover Passwords ]

While we hope that all our guests share their experience as it relates to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, we remind everyone that the contents of these message strings are strictly personal opinions of the authors. When in doubt about the nature of statements made please consult the Big Book and other AA reference materials... our motto: "If its not in the book, it doesn't count." Thank you all for sharing.